Sharp Secrets

I press my heart

In your hands

I push my face

To your chest

The heat is

An envelope

Closing over me

I sent myself to

You

Moon eyed you

Are a swath of sky

With no judgment

No black holes to

Be sucked into

I worry I am

Not beautiful

Enough for

You

I feel the pull

Of many truths

Fragments of

Song tossed into

The waves I

Am afraid you’ll

Think I am lying

If I cannot recall

Each vine

curling

They grow so

Haphazardly around me

Weaving in and out

Of my pores

It settles in like sweat

A sheen of sour and sweet

Memories

Which truth is more true?

My world revolves

Around you

I am a bitter shrew

But god

Dear god

I love you

Facets of my fear

Flame inside me

I wonder if inside

The circle of your

Arms you can feel

Me

A cage of my own

Ribs

I keep you out

Of my body

You are my jugular

You are my Achilles heel

You are simply trying

To enjoy the feel

Of the sun warming

Your dark hair

I am tormented

You stroke my back

And try to make me

Laugh

I love you

I want to be you

I’m so sorry I am not

Perfect

I’m always looking into

The future

Where you’ll see all

My fragments

My failures

The ones that will be

Too loud to brush over

With your lips

My humanity is too

Overwrought

 

“absence makes the 

heart grow abscessed”

I stopped crying

I can’t come

I am always

Saying "I" too much

I don’t know

What’s wrong

The threat of death

Is a banner over me

Draped merrily

Like day of the dead

Dolls with glowing

Eyes seeing me

In the dark

Crying

I held one

With aching arms

I don’t want to try

To find warmth in

Another anymore

The bed sheets

Were too

Tangled.

 

In the morning

Things will look

Differently

That is what my

best friend says

But she did not

Feel the argument

Turn into a tycoon

She did not see

Your eyes as you left

The room,

Put your grey coat on

And walked out

Into the storm.

 

I lay in the bed

Long after you left

Tears and gasps and

Your tee shirt against

My chest

How do I do these

Things so seamlessly?

I want to just be loving

But I am cynical words

Shoving you out

I just didn’t expect

You to go.

Oh no.

 

You said that night

You’d never leave

Remember?

It was five months ago

The ocean held a mirror

To the sky

Remember?

We were dancing in

The sea salt breeze.

Your face had grains

Of sand in the creases

Of your smile

I fed you slivers

Of strawberry

The juice dripped

Too pink to be

Blood like but

Reminding me anyways

In the soft summer

Evening-

Reminded me of blood

Water coloured,

Like in the shower

Before I left home

That was a disaster

I didn’t feel like

Sharing but you

Saw the shadow in

My eyes you smelled

The fear along with

Vera Wang Princess.

You just didn’t know

Why.

I should have told you.

 

When we met I had

On a shell pink silk slip dress

Knee high doc martin

Boots and a tiny velvet hat

With a veil

I loved that net

Between me and

The world, and it

Only cost a couple

Of dollars at Goodwill.

I had sewn an

Upside down heart

On my breast

You thought it was

Artistic but I meant

The gesture

A turned over

Point to the world

You were with my

Friends Sylvie and Noah

Your tangled hair

An angel’s halo

The way you drank

Your wine was ecstatic

Like you could sense

The soil and the

Farmer’s fingers

Caressing the grapes

The way your lips

Moved

Charmed me

I was the glass

In your hand

Shattering on the

Contact

Sylvie caught me

Following you with

My veiled eyes and

She lead you to me

Then like a prize

 

“Hello”

The word a melody

My Bacchus

You drank

 

We sat beside the fire

Behind the house

You were explaining

The meaning of

My astrological sign

It was full of hope

And hope is what

Tumbled the kiss

Out of my mouth

Onto you

Intoxicating

I wanted everything

You said to be true

With you I could

Believe

 

Belief can make you

Reckless

Hope is an aphrodisiac

I never thought I’d

Fall so easily

I had always kept myself

safe from the elixir of

hormones in the darkness

but you made me

want to be something else

a girl who could just

lean into a boy

that smelled of fire,

marshmallow,  and wine

and taste his mouth

from the inside

 

I still can taste you

And

I still can’t believe

I did that.

 

Your hands cradled

My face I breathed

Into your lungs

Tasting my fate

Trying like hell to

Remember your name

Your name

Should be

A long

Night’s

Whisper

A god’s

Moan into

Ether

Your name

Should be

An evocation

Of the nations

Your name

Should be

Anything other

Than

Peter.

 

 

You were named

After your grandfather

Who came to this land

From a time of great peril

Your people were being

Executed

His name was Hanzi

But out of fear his

Parents changed it

To Peter

In a cold gray harbor

Watched over by a

Statue arm stretching

Your face would crumble

Still with the horror

Of it

The extended arms of

Your family slaughtered

There were so many

Broken family trees

You wore that history

In your eyes

You never forgot

You were Hanzi

Not Peter

A defiance to the

Forgetting

You legally changed it

But everyone is

Still calling you

Peter

Despite the notice you

Put in the paper

By the fire I held

Your hand damp

From the heat of the fire

And I vowed

I would be the one

To consistently

Call you by your

Chosen name

Peter is too drab for

Such a beautiful boy

Anyways.

You thought my name

Was pretty but

I requested demurely

You call me Lia

You didn’t ask why

And I didn’t give

Any reasons.

We just laughed

As my veil tickled

Your face in the dark.

 

You gave me your

Phone number on

A piece of yellow legal

Paper you had in your

Back pack

I traced the numbers

After you left

 

Your brown eyes

Were seared into

Me that night by

The fire

Your brown eyes

So warm on my

Cool cheeks

I am enamored

I am lost

Despite my vow

Never to fall

I’m a heap of

Silk and boots

On the floor.

 

You called first

Your voice was

Just as melodic

As the night before

You invited me

To coffee at Peet’s

You claimed you

Needed help drinking

A French press you

Would purchase

You read my palm

Over the table

Poking fun at your own

Culpability in the myth of

Your people

You love magic

And tarot

And myths

Books by Joseph Campbell

Your favorite colour is

Yellow

You have a black cat

Named Gretchen

Four sisters and a

Brother

Parents who still

Snuggle

You ordered a

Cranberry orange

Scone and got little

Bits of it caught in

The dusting of your

Facial hair

I held my cup

Tight with both hands

To avoid reaching out

to clean your cheeks

you asked about me

but there is not much

to tell

I live by myself

I work at a bookstore

I am an only child

I shrugged and

Took a sip

You wanted my

Hobbies

Painting, playing my

Keyboard with the

Broken off G4 note

Reading Nietzsche

While listening to

Nine inch nails in

The dark

How do you do that?

He asked as if

It were a vital

Thing

Nothing so mysterious

Good eyesight generally

And a whole lot of

Candles

Do I see my family

Often

He wanted to know

Um, no

I said

And changed the

Subject

We walked around

Portland

Sat on the steps at

Pioneer Square

And watched kids

Do tricks on their

Stickered skateboards

You folded my

Hands in yours

And pulled me closer

And I didn’t

Pull away

Not that day

anyway

 

The problem between

Us was

What I couldn’t tell

Your pain was past lives

Shattered, the Romani

People, and mine

Was a sea of glass

Collected from my

Childhood

Kept in the curio cupboards

of my mind

I didn’t want anyone to

Discover

Who I was

Who I am (is it so bad?)

I moved so many miles

Just to forget her

 

I am Amberina.

The carnival glass

Was collected by

My parents,

Ferreted out from

Flea markets, estate sales,

And little old ladies at

Church sales.

I am a symbol

Of the obsession

Shared

Panted in a dark

Room littered by

Receipts and bills of

Authenticity

My parents made

me

A shard

I cut my mother

Coming out

My father told me

And I would bow my

Head

Sorry for the pain

I caused

I am the glass

She loved

I am Amberina.

 

I pressed flowers

Every single summer

Carpets of blossoms

I stepped through,

I brought a bouquet

Home

When I was seven

My father’s brother

Was watching me

When I broke it

The vase’s sharp

Report

The ombre colours

Muddied together

When I tried to

Fill it with black eyed

Susans

 

What he did was

A punishment.

 

What I heard

Was his voice

Splintering as he

Pushed inside of me

He broke apart my psyche

And then

I was floating

 

From up here

It’s not too close

His hand isn’t

Wrapped around

My throat and

I am not me

I am not me

I am not me

I am not

 

I began to create

A new me that

Day

The day Amberina died

I was born

A phoenix burning cold

 

Cold eyes

Cold feelings

Cold words

 

Don’t tell?

I wouldn’t imagine it

There is nothing

There.

 

I used to love him

My father’s brother

My blood

I used to love his

Arms holding me

When I sat on his

Lap

When he  told me

Silly stories

I would love to

Pretend he was my

Father,

Since my own was

So angry over

Blood I made

My mother spill

When I killed her

I wasn’t even born

fully

 

When he killed me

I was a regretted baby

 

 

I just handled it

Quietly

All by myself

Until the day I

Turned

Seventeen

I’d packed my GED

Some clothes and cds

And said goodbye

To the corn fields

To my dad stiffly,

His new wife tried

To hide her relieved eyes

And I didn’t blame her

At all

I hugged her despite

Her cloying perfume

And moved here

To my tiny studio

I gave them a PO Box;

I was afraid then

So afraid he’d

Do what he’d threatened

My uncle-

He’d come find me

And I’d lose the

Girl I was planning

To be

Not a symbol of

Matricide

Not your sunken

Eyed sex doll

Not the ghost

In the cafeteria

At school just

Trying to make it

Through

I moved

 

No forwarding

Address

I dyed my blonde

Hair black

No forwarding

Address

I thought I

Could erase the

Past with a smear

Of black lipstick

I changed my name

As soon as I moved

Here

Paid the fee

Signed the papers

No one would know

Who I used to be

 

Not even you

You used to ask me

Where my baby

Pictures were at

I evaded always

The truth is I

Left all photographic

Evidence

In

Michigan