Unexpected II

II

Reviews

[MichelleClay]

I agree that the chapters are a little short, but you still have my in interest. I will read on. Well done!

[Erinne S.]

In the very last paragraph there were 2 mis-types. "Well there was like a this major accident on th road"
You should take out the "a" and add an "e" to your "th"
Plus to agree with Jim's point the diary wouldn't be vaguely familiar to her if it was a treasured item of hers. She would have recognized it right away.
I'm curious about her middle name as well.
Other than these things it was well done and I look forward to reading more!

~Erinne

[Megan S.]

Great job! Loved this with the edits and such. I'm thinking this has brought up the rating by at least ten. Maybe fifteen. This made it flow better and got me more interested in this! Love it!

[Mikel]

First if, she missed the train, she's still in Houston, Texas right? If so, the guy wouldn't have any clue whre Carney is to respond, she doesn't even tell him what state, There may be a lot of carneys out there. Two I think his initial response would be "You're going to run off to a Carnival?" Since that is the term used for Carnival workers and he would know nothing about a tiny town in Michigan. Also, I too have difficulty with the cross-gender name. I'd love to see you develop the guy into a stalker to add some drama and suspense to your story. Also, your chapters are a little short, I would consider combining them as this one is really and extension of your first chapter.

[Megan S.]

What to Work On:

Try to avoid repetition. While in poetry this can be a good thing, in stories it tends not to be. Such as when you are talking about the grandfather’s favorite poem, it’s not really necessary to say that it’s by his favorite poet as well because it can frustrate the reader. It takes away the assumption element. If you were told everything, you would feel like the person talking to you thought you were stupid and couldn’t think to yourself. When you reread your stories, take this into account. What doesn’t really need to be there? Another example is the very first sentence of the chapter. Try to take out the second word diary and say something like “…one that looked exactly like…” That’s basically my only helpful hint here.

What I Liked:

Okay, so, I LOVED this chapter. I know you probably thought otherwise because of the previous section, but no. I liked how she kind of blew the guy off but was still cool enough to talk to him when he wouldn’t leave her alone. Until, of course, he started getting all personal. Go Alex! Ha! I honestly can’t get enough of this chapter. It gives a bit of background with her grandfather while also not heading out on a tangent. But my favorite part HAS to be the phone call. Even though I hate the word like in stories, this time it just fit. You go girl, keep it up!

Favorite Line:

"ALEXANDRA BRIAN AIDEN..." Simply put, this is hilarious! I know the sister is getting all mad and such, but it just makes me laugh because I know that I would be doing that to my sister if she missed the only train headed to where I was having my wedding.

I am soooo looking forward to reading on. Wonder where this story is going to take me…

[Jim Parson]

The story is progressing well, and it's obvious you write well, but I have to say that the non-conventional presentation distracts from what could be a really good story. It's okay not to use proper punctuation and capitalization when you are texting, but not in writing a novel. It makes it so much harder on your reader.

One plot line didn't work for me. Your protagonist indicated that the diary was something very important to her (it is a her, right?), but when it was presented to her, she states it looks vaguely familiar. If it was important to her, she would recognize it from a mile away and be ecstatic that it was found.

Lastly, the confusion with gender...she has a female first name but a male middle name. There hasn't been any description of her yet to give us any clue. It seemed she found this guy attractive in his description at the end of the last chapter, but she could be a gay guy. Maybe some type of description to let us know? Maybe in the last chapter? I would love to see more descriptions to show us what she looks like, her surroundings, etc. More detail, please!

I'm curious to see how the diary plays into the rest of your story. I have a feeling it's going to have some importance later on. Looking forward to reading the rest of it!

[Loner]

Nice very captivating .