lemon sweet sour

lemon sweet sour

A Poem by jaye river

suck me up, lemon sweet

sour in your mouth, licking salt

off the rim of the glass, beat poetry

double manhattan, bitter taste beats

brooklyn in the rain, waiting for the train

slipping on tile running to the station

i swiped my card but you jumped the turnstile

to keep up with your reputation

two parts whiskey, two blocks away from 

your place, in your arms heavenly

crack my jaw like a nut, cashew
oh, you infect me, bless you!

© 2024 jaye river


Author's Note

jaye river
i am not really a fan of this one, but it kinda made me laugh so i figured i'd post it

My Review

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Reviews

I like the couplet layout and the beat in this poem. I found it fun. Also enjoyed the imagery and the subject matter. Something different. Well done.

Chris

Posted 9 Months Ago


I love the rhythm of this, it reminds me of a nursery rhyme almost. I love the separation of connected ideas, it is a very cool format to chose. Great job :)

Posted 9 Months Ago


I love it, nice rhythm to it, good rhymes love the subject and imagery. pretty cool to me.

Posted 9 Months Ago


This reminds me of beat poetry and I like it.
As critique, I wonder if you might do away with sour in your mouth. For some reason, that seemed our of synch to me.

Winston

Posted 9 Months Ago


jaye river

9 Months Ago

thank you for the feedback, i definitely have to mess around with it a bit more
Why not...it is like Beat poetry with a sense of humor.
Something Ferlinghetti or ginsberg would come up with if you gave each a splash of Robert Creeley.
I especially like "brooklyn in the rain" long ago I was "Bronx in the rain."
j.

Posted 9 Months Ago


jaye river

9 Months Ago

i've been reading a bit of ginsberg again recently, maybe it was subconscious inspiration. his perso.. read more

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88 Views
5 Reviews
Added on October 17, 2023
Last Updated on June 6, 2024

Author

jaye river
jaye river

About
hello, i'm hoping to make friends and get feedback on my poetry. i'm 25 years old. feel free to say hi! i'm t.s. eliot's biggest fan more..

Writing
seraphim seraphim

A Poem by jaye river