Prologue

Wrote this ages ago, will probably edit it.

Daniella’s blue eyes stared out the side of the carriage window into the pitch-black darkness, she could hear both close and distant sounds of animals and insects, though she could not see them, all she could see was black. The carriage was travelling at night over the rocky Farachian Mountains, its wheels rolling continually over the bumpy terrain. Behind the carriage the castle it had recently departed from was invisible, its towers and balconies coated in the thick smothering blackness that came with the Farachian night.   

 

Daniella, then a five-year-old girl was leaning casually against the window of the carriage, staring into the night and trying to understand what made her brother Alexander so scared of the dark. Maybe it is the uncertainty, she thought to herself idly. Daniella knew that she was not scared of the dark; it was the uncertainty that thrilled her, the call of adventure that beckoned her, even at such a young age. She wanted to explore the darkness and fight whatever evil monsters dwelled within, because like many other lands that surrounded it, Farachia was a land of monsters, of magic and most of all adventure.

 

As a young girl Daniella was very small and had an innocent look about her, her grandmother, Queen Amanda, often said that Daniella looked like a doll. Daniella had large ringlets of shiny black hair that framed her small face and large blue eyes that shone like the Farachian Ocean, reflecting the sun. These physical traits made her look very much like a large doll.

 

Though this trait was not always a welcome one, because of one reason. As her parents first-born child Daniella would eventually inherit the throne of Farachia and her mother was always afraid that no one would take Daniella seriously because of her looks and gender. Farachia was a fairly equal nation, but there were still a few citizens (namely court nobles) that did not think Daniella worthy to inherit the throne upon her parent’s death. These nobles would often make snide remarks to the young princess, always about how ‘cute’ or ‘precious’ she was and it was clear by their tone of voice that would never respect her in the future. This always worried Daniella’s mother, who was always telling the court nobles to call her daughter ‘your majesty’ instead of ‘darling’ or ‘sweetie’.

 

At such a young age Daniella never seemed to her the snideness in the remarks made to her, consequently she was never bothered by it. The only thing that had been bothering her at that time was the fact that her mother and father had hurriedly carried her and Alexander from the castle and out into front garden. They muttered non-stop to each other about ‘a leak in security’ and something that sounded like ‘Ravens’ and unceremoniously stuffed the children inside the carriage before climbing in themselves and shouting at the driver to go as fast as he could. Though Daniella had gotten over the initial displeasure of the hectic beginning of the journey and now she was amusing herself by gazing out of the window and trying to guess what creatures were making the sounds she heard.

 

It seemed to Daniella that he parents were a lot calmer now, had she been more observant she would have noticed her mother was constantly biting her nails and her father had not said a word for the whole trip which was unusual even for him. Though Daniella and Alexander’s parents were doing a good job and hiding their worried ness from their twin children. 

 

Daniella turned around to face her mother, who gave her a wide smile and motioned for her daughter to come sit on her lap. Daniella shook her curls furiously at her mother, who gave her a patronising, but understanding look. Daniella’s mother, Elizabeth, was a pretty women, she had long brown hair and hazel eyes that almost looked golden. Though Daniella looked nothing like her mother they had similar personalties they both tended to follow their hearts rather than their heads, this was a distinct trait of Elizabeth Springbourne’s family.

 

Daniella turned around to look at her father who was as always straight backed and proper. As she looked at him she noticed how similar they were in appearance, both of them had dark black hair, a pale face with a little bit of freckles and blue eyes.

 

She looked past her father to where her brother was curled up on one of the compartment seats. Alexander was shaking and constantly trying to curl even tighter. If Daniella had asked him what was wrong she would have found out that it was not only the darkness that scared him, but also the looming evil presence that was getting closer to the Springbourne’s with every passing minute.

 

Alexander Springbourne was a pale boy, tall for his age with light brown hair and a large amount of freckles on his small round face. Alexander had large crystal blue eyes, just like his sister Daniella. But Alexander knew what his twin sister did not, he knew that they were in terrible danger from horrifying enemies with unbelievable power and evil plans for the royal family. It was this evil threat that kept Alexander Springbourne curled into a tight ball, as he tried desperately to imagine that he was somewhere else, perhaps nice, and safe in his bed where nothing could hurt him.

 

The threat that the royals were facing had been one that had pursued them wherever they, with a malicious intensity, bent on their destruction. The Springbournes had done nothing to these wretched people, but as royalty the Springbourne family attracted a lot of evil and wicked enemies. Unbeknownst to Daniella and her family a dangerous threat was growing ever closer with each passing second.   

  “Darling…” Elizabeth Springbourne said nervously, and then she lowered her voice to a whisper. “Do you think we are being followed?”

  “I’m almost certain of it.” Daniella’s father said casually, as if they were discussing the weather and not an enormous threat to their very lives.

  Daniella kept as still as possible, trying to overhear her parents conversation. Her mother eyed her anxiously and began to talk in almost inaudible whispers.

  “Who?” Elizabeth whispered anxiously to Daniella’s father.

  “It is not a question of who, but of what.” He replied, fidgeting anxiously (a rare thing indeed for the Prince of Farachia to do.)

He was about to continue speaking when a horrible sound penetrated the walls of the carriage. It was screeching and to an untrained ear it sounded like someone was being tortured, but the Springbournes new it as one thing. It was the sound of many hideous flying beasts, scratching at the edges of the carriage and emitting their cries of war. These beasts were called Ravens and they were the agents of many evil people who were after the royal family. Ravens were intelligent giant birds with large claws and black feathers covering their entire bodies.

 

Elizabeth screamed as the carriage was rocked violently to the side. Terrified she grabbed her two children (Daniella quiet reluctantly and forced them to the floor of the carriage. The carriage was rocking wildly now, it seemed that the driver was gone and the Springbournes held each other trying to stay as low as possible. But it was impossible, with one violent jolt forward the royals were sent sprawling all over the floor. Daniella was first to get up as the Ravens clawed through the roof, their screeches striking horror into the heights of the children and their parents.

 

Within a sudden brutal jolt the entire carriage was tipped over. Daniella was sent flying through the window, landing safely in a nearby bush, though she hit her head hard on a nearby tree. Daniella did not see what happened to her family, all she heard were distant voices as she struggled to move.

“ Kill the adults, take the children.” (The sound of tearing and slashing)

“Where’s the girl, we need that princess!”

“Find her, damn you!” (The frantic scrambling through bushes and long grass.)   

As Daniella stirred in the grass fearfully, she could hear the sound of horses and yells, growing louder with the passing seconds..

 “Soldiers, from the castle, we must fly!”

 

Daniella was dimly aware of the sound of flapping wings and arrows flying through the air. She was found soon after by her grandmother’s (the Queen of Farachia) soldiers and taken back to the castle, where her anxious grandmother was waiting.  Daniella kept asking about her parents and brother in an uncharacteristically quiet voice. Telling her the truth was the hardest thing Queen Amanda ever had to do and it seemed that the light in Daniella's young eyes went out when she heard what had happened to her family.  The young princess had lost her parents that night, but the fate of her brother was yet to be seen.

Reviews

[K.D. Wagner]

Lovely read...

The only suggestion I would point out is:
As a young girl Daniella was very small and had an innocent look about her, her grandmother, Queen Amanda, often said that Daniella looked *like a doll.* Daniella had large ringlets of shiny black hair that framed her small face and large blue eyes that shone like the Farachian Ocean, reflecting the sun. These physical traits made her look very much like *a large doll.*
You don't need to tell the audience once more that she was doll like. Merely mentioning it as the beginning of the paragraph is enough.
Other than a few grammatical errors and that example I found myself enjoying the opening of this story very much!

[Nazifa Noor]

It is a very very good writing....

I myself am a teenager and have started out to write and for what I have been reading in these few days. THIS is by far the best prologue I have read.
Looking forward to read the rest of the chapters... I rate you 95 out of 100. -5 because of the grammar errors... :D

[Heather]

lovely use of imagery, gripping storyline, great job!! :D

[Tardisbaby]

Wow!. I really enjoy the amount of visual imagery in this prologue. The characters are intriguing and the plot line seems cool. One thing I would say though is try to not outright state things. That seemed a bit off in the context of the story. (Thats something I am trying to work on as well) but I can't wait to read more!

[Rose of Gondor]

While Nick Anthony has a point, I believe that your POV and Voice is simply another type of POV, third person robotic, where emotions are shown through dialogue instead of thoughts. This is where the action of the character and what he or she says defines him or her, and the rest is all the narrator. This is perfectly fine, unless you want a more engaging story. :) This is a lovely read.

[Nick Anthony]

Sparrow, reviewing a young adult book is always a little difficult for me, so take any suggestions I offer with a grain of salt. As to the mechanic's, here are a few thoughts...

1...POV and Voice.
You sort of establish the POV of this scene right from the get go and I approve very much so. But as I read along, I found the voice to be mostly narrative and passive. Let me give you a couple of examples...

A...Daniella's blue eyes stared out the side of the carriage window into the pitch-black darkness, she could hear both close and distant sounds of animals and insects, though she could not see them, all she could see was black.

First, this sentence is overly long and wordy. It needs to be broken down and shown more from Daniella. You describe Daniella eyes, but she would not think of them as she tells the story. Someone else or some other way must be used to show Daniella's physical characteristics. You also tell us she hears the distant sounds of animals and insects and athis is good in using other sense's, but what you want to do is show us. Telling is passive, showing from your characters senses is Active, which is what you want. So how do you change this? Look at this example of a rewrite, and its just an example...

Daniella stared out the carriage window into the pitch-black darkness. The distant sounds of crickets and frogs could barely be heard over the creaking of the carriage and the horses hoofs clacking on the stone paved road.

You see, I did not say insects or animals, I showed what insects and animals she could barely hear and added additional sounds of the carriage which would be almost overpowering compared to the distant sounds.

A second issue is the redundant use of Daniella's name. Once you introduce a character you do not need to beat readers over the head with a characters name. You can use she, her, etc in most cases, with only an occassional reminder of her name used. No more than once a paragraph is a pretty good usage rule. But if you have multiple characters in the scene, then yes, you will need to use proper names more than she or he, him or her. You get the idea.

B...It seemed to Daniella that he parents were a lot calmer now, had she been more observant she would have noticed her mother was constantly biting her nails and her father had not said a word for the whole trip which was unusual even for him. Though Daniella and Alexander's parents were doing a good job and hiding their worried ness from their twin children.

In this one, who is telling me this information. It can not be Daneilla because you note that if she had been more observant... If this is Daneilla, then its after the fact and takes the reader out of present tense scene. If its the narrator, its takes the reader out of POV. Either way, its passive voice narritve instead of active voice POV. You have several of these places where you the writer steps in and gives a piece of exposition where not needed. Expostion has its places, but in young adult fiction, you want to keep in POV to keep the attention of young adults connected to your characters.

It seemed is a very passive form of grammar. Like when someone writes, He seemed nervous. This is an observation outside of POV and passive. If its from POV, he will either be or not be nervous because he would know and not say he seemed. Another example of passive storytelling... He started for the door and went outside. Ok...he did not start, he did go to the door, started would imply that he did not finish, but from the sentence, he did. Lots of ways to look at this, but you have to really watch out for those passive bits of grammar usage that leads to passive writing.

All in all, you have the makings of a good story here from what I can see. The prologue introduces the reader to your world and characters with very little back story. Always a good sign. But I feel the story would be stronger if you get a grip on POV and Active Voice storytelling. I hope this helps you along your journey and if you have any questions, please feel free to message me.

Nick.