Human Notations

Life Presently in 2023

Leaving my office in midtown and taking the one train north to home. Decided to stop and walk to the piers and reflect as I listen to Oh Boy Oh Boy Commander. When music creates a mental state of being, thought and the music you channel when you’re in a place. All these years from my life in NYC, I often find myself reflecting, sadness will erode thoughts. Sadness in a way of an ache rather than emotional depression. You just find yourself fatigued, bothered, distracted with a over looming heavy feeling. When I was younger, this was entirely emotions with actions. The subtle but impactful change is a new feeling. In the moments younger the sudden changes are fluid, rather nor noticeable. One self will just adapt naturally. An evolved self is now questioning with allowance of effecting a normalcy or complaisant self. Physically and aware of the ache. The difference is exciting but also unwarranted as your self-reflection shades a dark shadow lingering from a dark basement. A noticeable change on a battle front of the mind is the absence of thoughts of self-reassurance. Find myself lack of caring for my own well being and a strange hint of a welcoming death. A strange feeling of happiness and acceptance of a sudden end.

The George Washington bridge to my right, faint sirens, and smells of dead fish with a calming rush of waves hitting rocks sets the mood. You finish up seventy hours of work while in NYC, you always listen to music in ear phones to block the data smog of city life. Finding a band like Oh Boy Oh Boy Commander is settled. Listening to the album now as I write this “f**k of no idea” has connected synopsis electric firing of memories from ten years ago. Christopher, myself was an Event Planner in Manhattan. In NYC, the career was of stature and respect. While in Michigan, you tell people here about where you worked and your life and you are looked down upon. Immediately negated with disbelief and distain. Humans here have an incapability to show any respect and self-centered to one self that I unfortunate can not understand. In their defense, unknowing can have a cause to their reasons. After ten years, I have not met anyone in my life who has asked questions, cared to learn about my past. Sadly, absolutely not once. Deeply leaves myself sad and alone with solitude of failure. Ten years of caring about others and caught up in wanting to listen that I ignored who oneself Christopher core of life. Time has passed and feeling lost, confused, memory like a Alzheimer’s senior. Hope to find human connection present where I can let Christopher be myself. Nine years of experiences, life, love, culture, art, music is absolutely a wasted memory.

The breeze was pleasant and cool for temp for the time of year running north up the river and hitting my face as I sit on a bench in the center of the Brooklyn Bridge. Finished up a art show in Dumbo and decided to walk the bridge to w4 and reflect, unwind with a backpack of two thousand dollar bottles of wine. My staff had left early with the catering van and were meeting up at Pianos for a after party on the roof. Had time to walk and take in the scenery. These memories flood when listening to music I repeated from that time. Time has been so long that now I just cry rather than laugh, enjoy the times I experienced.

New York life is a community of equal hard working professionals. We all have detailed and agenda driven lives. The friendships are absolute. Absolute in a driven genuine love. Every week, we would have scheduled times and days we meet up together and enjoy laughing, talking about our lives, caring and understanding over a bottle of wine in central park on Wednesdays or Sundays at jones beach. Our time together as friends, humans and love was valued and important for stability with human interactions. We all spoke about beautiful moments, upcoming personal achievements, planned dates of events in our busy Calanders to attend each other’s Broadway plays, Music shows, Theatre, Comedy Shows, and personal supported events. There were no issues and everyone was direct, no one said they were going to attend and ghost each other. We discussed and everyone was true to commitments. We all had our Calanders on our phones or planners booked up for over a year. These times we scheduled was a certain. You can rely on your friends; you loved the support and genuine respect of each other. One central park weekly meeting, our friend acted out his play he had written and he was excited to pitch. All of us, laid on blankets, drank wine, ate cheese and other high-end foods. Everyone respected and observed and gave our opinions. Our friendships never resulted in drama or division. Our time as professionals in this moment meant the world to us and respected, valued, and pure with love.

 

In Michigan now living for years after 9 years of this lifestyle. I am absolutely sad, alone and in solitude all the time. Find myself opening up to another, only to be disappointed and saddened with repeated hurt. Find myself with darkness and surrounded by darkness, mistrust and hate. NYC was a place of equality, we never even had thoughts of indifference. We were just human. I live now with so much hate, judgments, animosity, division, and passionate stances with lack of political education. I have always been alone in life and when living in NYC, I felt welcomed and accepted. We loved with passion.

 

Self defense mental walls are incredibly high. Naturally I built them so high unconsciously with out realizing. Made aware of this natural defense recently leaving myself broken. Entirely unsure of the future but all I know is I live in the present with a heavy bleak, tragical ending of humanity.