Gathering the Threads

Chapter 3 Gathering the Threads

I continue to reflect on my life and the feedback I get from others. It has been challenging, and there have been many tests – which the Universe seems to provide in abundance! Do I still struggle? Yes, at times. Now though I usually I acknowledge the growth and progress. 

I still ‘beat myself’ up sometimes. And there have been times when I give away my ‘power’. The important thing is to recognize what is happening and to stop and say, “There must be a better way.” I’ve noticed it works better if I am ready to develop a better way, and keep checking with my inner ‘guidance’ to find the better way for me, not what other people think is the better way for me.

In the last few years I worked at various ‘jobs’ and attempted to be successful in my own businesses. I’ve had several relationships with men that did not last. A friend helped me discover that my creative energy was flowing well shortly after the experience I related in Chapter 1, and then it became very difficult for me in the years that followed. It seems that I began to have doubts about myself and gave away my ‘power’ to someone else. Has that ever happened to you?

A few years ago I decided it was time to move, and through a newspaper ad found a woman who wanted to rent part of her home. We found the new living arrangement beneficial for both of us, and for her teenage son. It was great to have someone respect my need to be alone and to understand what I’m saying, and not saying.

Then I met a man at church and we began to date. He was having a difficult time because his mother was very ill, and he was concerned about finding a new place to live since he has a cat. He didn’t know if he could pay the rent for the nice two bedroom cottage he had. I suggested moving in to help him, and I thought we would be able to become better friends. After a year and a half I was desperate to move. I was allowing him to control our home environment, having the TV or his CB radios on very loud most of the time, deciding where the furniture would go in every room, complaining when I did things he didn’t like and not listening to anything I was unhappy about. Once again I had given away my ‘power’ to a man! The habit is very clear to me, and it is time to deal with this bad habit! 

I was fortunate to find another woman who had a room available in her home. It was a great location for me. She had a beautiful back yard that I could see through the 8-foot picture window. She lived upstairs, and I had a private entrance to the ‘studio’ downstairs, with the privacy I needed. We are friends and could visit whenever it was mutually satisfying for both of us. Acceptance is an important part of being friends. We also enjoyed taking walks around a lake nearby. We liked to stop at a spot we call the ‘Cove of Reflection’ and it reminds me of what I wrote in Chapter 1. We liked to walk to that cove and spend a little time in silence and peace.

Last year I felt the need to move again so that I could have my own space. I now have a 2 bedroom apartment in exchange for managing an apartment complex owned by friends of mine. Living alone allows me to control my own environment. I have found peace and serenity in this new living arrangement. 

I still have to pay attention to the times when the old habit surfaces. Anytime I am dealing with other people it is important to be aware of my urge to please them and give away my own power. Being my own best friend is one of my biggest challenges!

Let’s return to some of the questions I asked in my introduction:

What would your life be like if you were able to ‘have it all’, to have everything that was valuable and important to you? 

What does prosperity mean to you -- money, harmonious relationships, security, a lovely home, freedom to travel?

Each of us has an image, a feeling or an understanding of what the ideal life would be like for us. For me, it means doing the kind of work I love, doing my work as if I were ‘at play’. It means doing what I would do whether I was making money or not. It also means that I earn enough money to live the kind of life that satisfies me. I have money to go to dinner or the movies with friends, to get my hair cut when it is time, to pay for food and shelter, to buy gas and repair my car, to buy a new car when it is time, to travel.

What does it mean to you? What would your life be like if you were living your passion? And how much money do you need to be satisfied and feel like you have abundance? It is time for me to go beyond ‘survival’ and ‘thrive’! Are you ready for that?

I hope you are taking the time to answer these questions. I find journaling a powerful tool for me. I know that some people find it difficult to write and prefer to talk to someone, a trusted friend, coach or counselor. Whatever works for you, I encourage you to do it.

Perhaps you are saying or thinking, “I know all this, and I’ve tried so many things and it isn’t working yet.” I’ve had that happen. It can be frustrating if you make efforts and it seems there is little progress. One of the things that can happen to some of us is that we want things to happen quickly. We get impatient and then miss the progress that we’re making. I call myself a “recovering perfectionist”. I still catch myself wanting to do it perfectly the first time, and get angry or frustrated when I make mistakes. This is a very old habit and belief that I continually work on to shift. I may work on this the rest of my life. I have found it is getting easier though when I ‘lighten up’ and give myself permission to risk and make mistakes.

I’m going to end this chapter with an exercise for you that I strongly encourage you to do before you continue reading. This exercise was given to me many years ago by a coach who’s name I unfortunately do not remember. It has been one of the most helpful things I’ve ever done. She called it a “Lifemap” and the process has several parts. 

1.  The first part is to think about and write down your past experiences, those that were rewarding, when you were happy, inspired, proud, and felt empowered.

2.  The second part is to think about and write down your past experiences when you felt lost, "off track" (like a train derailed), confused, tired, and determine what choices you made that lead you to that situation/feeling.

3.  The last part is to review these past experiences and determine

¨    Your Values

¨    Your Issues, Fears, Barriers/blocks

In the next chapter I’ll review some of the highlights of my Lifemap and how I’ve used the insights to help me move forward in creating the life I truly desire to live.