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Chapter one: The Monster

Chapter one: The Monster

A Chapter by Beta4163

L’s POV

Voices of hundreds drown out the wind’s howl, but through the ocean of noise, I pick up a whimper. Casting a glance to my left, I spot a stray dog, begging for food. I kick it away with a scoff. Across the street, people look at me with disgust.  I shrug apathetically, not caring for the thoughts of insects that are bound to die without making a difference.

 

Scanning the crowd lazily, I hunt for my next target. The eyes of a sadistic predator, fall on a man in his early twenties with dark messy hair, and a Christian cross hanging around his neck. Dressed in an expensive suit, he looked like he was on his way to a job interview. Following him, I wait for him to make the wrong move. He finally turned into an alley and I grinned, turning in after him.

 

Adam’s POV

The crowded streets, the busy cars, the smell of gasoline. Oh I love New York! The job interview that I was rushing to starts in 1 hour, but I can’t help but marvel at the tall buildings, and people bustling along the streets. As I turn into a dark alley, a cold shiver crept up my spine and I grasp the cross necklace around my neck out of habit.

 

“Do you believe in God?” the sweet voice of a child asked right by my ear.

 

I whirl around and my gaze fell upon a child no older than 18 with midnight black hair that fell in waves down their back, fair tan skin, and a bright red box cutter in hand. Although, the thing that gave me chills were their eyes. They were the most gorgeous shade of purple, but they were wide, crazed and murderous. Not to mention emotionless and shockingly dead. I subconsciously press harder against the metal resting against my chest as if drawing power from it. I somehow dig my voice out from the abyss, and manage to stutter “Of course!”

 

The child’s expression darkens. “You really shouldn’t. If God existed or remotely cared about us, you wouldn’t be in this situation,”

 

“This situation?” I ask with a sinking feeling in my stomach.

 

The black haired stranger sent me a sickly sweet smile and surged forward. I barely had time to react before I felt the sharp pain of metal tearing through flesh and bone. The smell of iron hits my nose, and wetness spreads across my shirt . My knees hit the concrete and the rest of my body followed soon after.

 

“Aww are you gonna die already? I was planning on playing with you a bit longer,” something cold cuts into my face, and I felt warm liquid run down my face, “Whatever you’re a man anyway, cute high pitched screams are much more enjoyable. Playing with you wouldn’t have been fun.”

 

“The holy spirit will punish you with hell,” I wheeze.

 

“Good, I’ve been meaning to get back to my kingdom,” they respond, walking away.



© 2017 Beta4163


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Featured Review

You opened up with a sentence which should hook the reader.

This sentence....If they disapprove of what I’m doing, say something about it, rather than stand by and watch,”

Change it .........If they disapprove of what I'm doing, then why don;t they say something instead of standing around and doing nothing.

By changing it to the above I feel that because the words nothingand something are so closely put toether, it has more of an impact onthe sentence itself - this is just my opinion. It's up to you what you do with it.

Change this....He finally did. Turning into a dark alley, he signed his death warrant.
To this...........Unknowlingy signing his own death warrant, As he turned into a dark alley, he finally did.

By changing the sentence around, having the words 'he finally did' not only add impact but draw the reader back towards the previous sentence. Again this is just my opnion and its up to you what you do with it.

Change this....I whirl around and my gaze fell upon a child no older than 18 with midnight black hair falling in waves down their back, covering one eye, fair tan skin, and a bright red box cutter in hand. Although, the thing that gave me chills were their eyes.

To this....I whirl around and my gaze fell upon a child no older than 18. Her midnight black hair faell down her back in waves, it covered one of her eye. Her skin: fair tan, and a bright red box cutter in hand. Although, the thing that gave me chills were their eyes.

I really enjoyed it when the girl lunged at Adam in the alley. It was quick, sharp, yet vividly impressive to the eye, if you read between the eyes.
The rest is perfect, and I can't see any changes wihich need to be made. The story itself was very interesting, in particular from Adams point of view. It had good structure to it and easy to follow and understand.

A pleasure to have read this.

Mark.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

You opened up with a sentence which should hook the reader.

This sentence....If they disapprove of what I’m doing, say something about it, rather than stand by and watch,”

Change it .........If they disapprove of what I'm doing, then why don;t they say something instead of standing around and doing nothing.

By changing it to the above I feel that because the words nothingand something are so closely put toether, it has more of an impact onthe sentence itself - this is just my opinion. It's up to you what you do with it.

Change this....He finally did. Turning into a dark alley, he signed his death warrant.
To this...........Unknowlingy signing his own death warrant, As he turned into a dark alley, he finally did.

By changing the sentence around, having the words 'he finally did' not only add impact but draw the reader back towards the previous sentence. Again this is just my opnion and its up to you what you do with it.

Change this....I whirl around and my gaze fell upon a child no older than 18 with midnight black hair falling in waves down their back, covering one eye, fair tan skin, and a bright red box cutter in hand. Although, the thing that gave me chills were their eyes.

To this....I whirl around and my gaze fell upon a child no older than 18. Her midnight black hair faell down her back in waves, it covered one of her eye. Her skin: fair tan, and a bright red box cutter in hand. Although, the thing that gave me chills were their eyes.

I really enjoyed it when the girl lunged at Adam in the alley. It was quick, sharp, yet vividly impressive to the eye, if you read between the eyes.
The rest is perfect, and I can't see any changes wihich need to be made. The story itself was very interesting, in particular from Adams point of view. It had good structure to it and easy to follow and understand.

A pleasure to have read this.

Mark.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on March 16, 2017
Last Updated on June 26, 2017