Your visit to my place...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your visit to my place…

 

 

I saw you with a bunch of white roses,

Gates were open and you started coming to me,

You walked and saw all the different crosses.

It was all silence and a real place to be.

 

I saw some thousand tears in your blue eyes,

These deep blue eyes which made me mad,

Now pain gradually started coming in your life.

Even I cried since I never ever kept you so sad.

 

You continued to cry, I asked you the reason.

But you didn't reply, and just cry…

 

 

I asked many questions to you,

But you maintained your silence.

When crying was the only thing to do,

And tears were flowing all over the place.

I discovered that you were still all alone.

 

You were just sitting there and crying,

Wiping tears which were flowing out of your eyes.

Your soul was broken and lost from inside,

Suddenly, even a tear poured out of my eyes…

 

You looked up above the sky,

It was raining without any cloud.

You gathered your broken soul and walked by,

I want you to stay but I never bound…

 

So...After wiping your tears you walked away,

But I want you to be back again.

Since on next month is coming my day,

Hence your days became so mundane.

 

 

 

You walked away and left me alone,

I continued to rest at my place.

I closed my eyes and silently slept,

The place where you cried for hours was my own grave.

 

But I know I'm always there with you in your memories,

Just like that you're here with me with these white roses.

 

And then you walked away…crying…

After visiting my grave…

And thus, this was your visit to my place…

 

Author's Note

This one's written at around 2 a.m ..When I was *trying* to sleep..
So....This one came out of my mind at that mine....

Basically..It is describing the feel and the pain of a girl on visiting her lover's grave..

Reviews

[None]

Your story is the ultimate sad tale. Especially of seeing a loved one cry over you at grave side.
"You walked away and left me alone,
I continued to rest at my place.
I closed my eyes and silently slept,
The place where you cried for hours was my own grave."
Wow, this is extremely haunting and sad. Wonderfully written with such pain.

[!!..Love..!!]

Ah!! Painful piece..
This one is really very nice composition Bhavya.
I was a bit puzzled in the starting of the piece. But when I saw these lines

"The place where you cried for hours was my own grave.
But I know I'm always there with you in your memories,
Just like that you're here with me with these white roses.
And then you walked away�crying�
After visiting my grave�
And thus, this was your visit to my place�"

I simply loved these lines a lot. The are just the real essence of the entire piece and uplifted its standard.
According to me you should not remove the world "grave" as it is making the piece very much raw and vivid which is so tremendous.

But at the end of the day its your piece..its your write and we people can only suggest you.

So..overall I found the piece very powerful and flow and rhyme of the piece is just awesome..
you just went with this beautiful rhyme...
Very well penned..

!!..Love..!!

[Melanie Jane Boicourt S..]

Very nice imagery. I think that you gave it away too quickly though. I believe it would be better if it was left a mystery as to why she didn't respond untill the end. You don't have to change it though. Just a suggestion for another poem really.
Thanks for sharing.
Love All, Mejasha

[forfila]

Nice dude, powerful and nice,, such deep meaning and so well worded... I like it

Matt

[~*The Writer In Me*~]

Good job.

[Ruby Moon]

mmm...i think that using the word "grave" remove the sutbly of the piece
but then again spelling it out might be the way to go as sometimes the readers might not get the message
i liked the whole piece alot...but i kind of like the two sentences with the word "grave" the least among all
sorry...i dont really like it when everything is spelled out
i think that the pictures are good enough hints to the piece
not to mention that you tell us that it is a grave in your note

[Kevin Andros]

Well, I didn't came to know what was going on when I neared the end and your notes confirmed that I was right in the end.

Let me mention the negatives first. All your sentenses seems in a jumbled up state. The rhyming is very good indeed, but the reader has to work very hard indeed to decipher the meaning of the lines. Or it will all seem Gibberish and very irritating for a reader.

Now, the positives. You have beautifully used strong words all through the poem yet again, which seems to be a speciality of yours. Though the lines were figety, few lines were hard to miss. My particular favorate line:

The place where you cried for hours was my own grave.

This line was the killer. I didn't decipher the real meaning and situation of the poem until I came to this line. This line is very perfectly used and so much different! Supa.

And staying awake at night writing poems! It is bound to come out as a dark one. Not that the poems you write in daylight are any lighter, but darkness seems as your speciality. Well done! ~KA~