Chapter 3: Is she really in the dark?

“Would you like me to give you two a minute?”

 

Ethan asks me when we get to Dad’s grave. I nod politely and he steps back. I place the crappy, store-bought flowers on his grave. It’s late and dark. Most people would be frightened, but I’m not. I’ve never been afraid of graveyards. To me, they’re peaceful. Hundreds and hundreds of people lying in the ground; asleep forever, never to be disturbed again. I bet they’re happy. They don’t have to suffer anymore.

 

“Dad, I miss you. Nothing’s the same without you. Mom still won’t talk to me. She just yells. Nikki hates me. They both blame me for what happened. I don’t know what to do. Spencer is stressing himself out. You left big shoes for him to fill. He’s trying his hardest. He’s living at home for me. Ethan is going away for a month. His great-uncle died. He has to go to Italy for the funeral. I’m going to miss him. What if his parents like it there and they don’t come back? Dad, I’m scared. I love him so much. I can’t lose him too. I love you, Dad. I have to go now. I have an exam tomorrow. Wish me luck. I love you. I’ll be with you eventually. Soon, I hope.”

 

I finish saying goodbye and adjust the flowers. Ethan is waiting on a bench a few graves away. He sees that I’m done and starts walking towards me. He says he can’t hear anything I say from there, but I know he can. It doesn’t bother me. It’s nice knowing someone can hear what I’m saying to Dad.

 

“I love you, Ethan.”

 

“I love you too, Kendall.”

 

“I’m going to miss you a lot.”

 

“I’m going to miss you too. Will you be okay while I’m gone?”

 

“Please come back. Don’t stay there. Please.”

 

“I’m coming back to you no matter what, even if I have to swim back.”

 

I close my eyes and hug him tight. He’s my boyfriend. He’s my rock. He’s my world. He’s my love. He grabs my hand and we slowly start to walk back to my house. It’s not a long walk. It only takes 15 minutes. It must have rained while I was sleeping. The light from the street bounces off of cars and windows. It seems to light up the ground. It looks like a scene from a movie. Sometimes I wish my life was a movie. If it was, then I know there would be a happy ending. Me and my lover will be reunited, and we’ll live happily ever after. Roll the credits.

 

****

 

When we get back to my house, Ethan sends me upstairs. He tells me that he’s going to bring me a surprise. I know what it is, but I’ll act surprised anyways. While I’m waiting, I set up our favourite movie on his computer and turn on the lamps on either side of my bed. I quickly change into my pyjamas and crawl into bed. A few minutes later, Ethan comes in with a tray holding two hot chocolates and a bowl of popcorn drizzled with chocolate; my favourite. I thank him and take my mug.

 

“I’m glad you’re here.”

 

“I’m glad I’m here too.”

 

We start the movie and settle in. I wouldn’t say that I’m happy right now, but I’m as close as I’m going to get. Being with him is magical. He seems to put most of my problems on hold. I can only smile around him. I mean a real smile. Not the fake smile I use around Aria. Maybe I could smile for real if I told her. Maybe she can help me if I tell her. But, I don’t want to worry her. I’ve known her for so long and I know she wouldn’t be able to sleep. She would start to drive me crazy if she knew. It wouldn’t help. It would probably make things worse. I think it’s best if only Ethan knows. That sounds good. She’s not too in the dark anyway. She knows about the cheating, the abuse, the bullying and the texts. She just doesn’t know about the cutting, the panic attacks and the internal emptiness. Actually, I bet she’s seen the scars. They’re kind of hard to miss. Maybe she knows more than I thought.

 

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