Technologically Challenged

Some may love 25 different remotes for 25 different things. Not me! Give me ONE with 2-3 buttons max. Let's not complicate life for God's sake. Time to simplify!

“You’re technologically challenged, Mom,” my daughter said teasing and taunting me while looking at me with exasperation. 

 

She grabbed the remote as if I were a one-year-old picking up a glass trinket from the coffee table. 

 

“Here, let me show you AGAIN how to use this.  It’s not that hard.”

 

I swallowed my pride and did my level best to concentrate. Now, focus Carole.  Focus.  You can do this, I said trying desperately to convince myself. 

 

She pushed first one button and then another and then another, explaining every detail as she went.  My mind trailed off into oblivion, as I switched from nervously scratching my head to cracking my knuckles all in one fluid motion. 

 

Silently enraged and flustered, I cringed while thinking to myself... Too many buttons.  There are w-a-a-a-y too many buttons!  NO remote should be THIS complicated!   All the while, I stood there shaking my head yes,  pretending I understood.  I thanked her with a sheepish grin as she tossed the remote back in the basket beside the green lazy boy chair and darted out the front door. 

 

I quickly checked the front window to make sure she was in her car and making her departure down the driveway and then returned to the trusty wire basket with the stash of remotes.

Vehemently sighing, I stood there in utter disgust. “Why in God’s name do we need this many remotes anyway?" I whined.  There seriously ought to  be a law against this!  Shouldn’t someone, some where, design ONE remote for us ‘technologically challenged women?’ One that does everything with two to three simple little buttons, for God’s sake?”

 

I rummaged through the basket trying frantically to remember which remote of the five my daughter was giving me the lesson on. 

 

Was it one of the three long black ones, the long gray one, or the short gray one?  "A thousand different buttons, a thousand different insane symbols,” I mumbled as I reached into the basket picking up first one and then another as if to play “Go Fish.” 

 

“Oh screw it,” I lamented loudly, while slamming the last one back into the basket!  I’ll do a little computer work instead. 

 

Disgruntled, I plopped down in my burgundy swivel computer chair in my dining room and gave the mouse a deliberate shake to arouse it from its sleep and then clicked on Mozilla Firefox.  Still seething from ‘remote rage,’ I grumbled, “Why does this blasted thing, have to be sooo slow?  I thought this DSL thing was suppose to be fast, for God's sake?”  If I’ve heard my husband say it once, I’ve heard him say it a thousand times: "Now Carole, don’t get click happy.  You only have to click once.”  That’s got to be an oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one:  Click Happy?  I am rarely anything but happy while I am clicking away like a raging maniac with another button under my overactive fingertip.  Apparently this is part of the whole ADD thing, I think to myself while impatiently muttering “Hurry up.  Hurry up!  I don’t have all day here.  Time’s a-wasting!”

 
I began my hour of research, highlighting, copying, and printing each thing I needed to file away for my project, and when I was just about finished, my computer had the audacity to freeze up.  It wasn’t enough that I had the maniacal episode with the remotes and one piece of technical equipment, now it had to be the asinine computer.

 

Technologically challenged?  Maybe…  A pushover?  Never!  Not on your life!  Where’s the sledge hammer? I questioned with murderous revenge on my muddled mind.  I ran to the garage and started shuffling through my husbands red tool box, and at last with the sledge hammer in hand, and every one of those tedious remotes lined up in perfect symmetry next to the computer, and my right hand tightly clenched around the wooden handle, I lifted it high into the air and ker-plunk, down it went.   With every angry blow, there were pieces of plastic, wires, batteries and computer glass flying to and fro, like a small twister had descended upon and strategically targeted these six items.  Screaming at the top of my lungs, I let out every bit of the pent up frustration I was feeling: “Technologically challenged, huh? I’ll show you!  I’ve had enough of your technology, Hewlett Packard.  I’ve had enough of you crazy remotes, Dish Network.  You will not get the best of me,” I said with tongue in cheek.  “There!  It’s a done deal!”  The crime had been methodically executed with each angry and deliberate blow, the remotes and computer now barely recognizable. I collapsed on the couch, with a beet-red face, my heart pulsating a million miles a minute, and sweating profusely from the frustration laced adrenaline rush.  I lay there wondering how in the world I was going to explain this maniacal episode to my husband when he walked through the front door and saw the mess I had made?  And then it hit me.   

 

My bout of hot-headed Irish blood had clouded my mind and caused me to forget his mentioning just the other day that we needed to break down ‘one of these days’ and buy a new computer. Little did he know that ‘one of these days’ had already arrived.  Now he didn’t need an excuse, and I didn’t need to blame my outrage on someone or something other than myself.  Maybe I'll give him a little courtesy call at work to give him a heads ups.  The remotes…well, that’s another story.  Isn’t that what E-bay is for?

Reviews

[Julian]

Is it ok that i giggled my way through this? You are certainly not alone in your "remote rage". I am assuming you intended this to be a humourous look back at a frustrating moment and i could certainly see this being a scene in some slapstick comedy movie. The main character going through one household disaster after another. I enjoyed reading this Carole, it delivered a smile and a feeling of familiarity! Julian :)

[Helen Woodward]

Carole, great story, sounds like me! I would not know how to work any of my appliances without the remote.
I loved the concept of this, it's humorous and moves along at a terrific pace.
Congrats on a wonderful piece. E-bay...indeed!

[Joyce Bocek]

I'm laughing with you in this, Carole. This was a good read...thanks for sharing! :-)

[Valentine]

This story reminds me of my husband who can fix anything outside or on one of his fishing boats but can't use the cell phone and can't use the remotes except to find CNN which I am sick of watching all of the time he is inside..As for the computer, I am lost even though we both took classes at the college here..I have to ask my tech man to help me..God bless and funny read..valentine

[Crystal L. Test]

Oh yeah, I too have felt the pain that multiple remotes can cause. I used to call my husband and say "Which one turns on the DVD player?" haha My youngest brother is the techy type so whenever my Mom needs help with her TV I turn to him or my hubby. Don't ask me! They invented owner's manuals so that he could read it and tell me the few steps I need to do to get what I want! LOL

P.S. I always say I'm going to drop-kick my computer when it's being tempermental. ;)

Great job and thanks for sharing.

[Roy Jacobs]

This was great! I had a good laugh and you know what? There is times I would like to take a sledgehammer to my computer. I have DSL too and I thought it was supposed to be fast. I hate multiple remotes. It seems whenever somebody comes out with a new invention things just get more complicated? You are right, why can't they make one remote for everything? You did a great job in expressing your fustration in a humorous way. I too no a hot head I am Irish on my mom's side.

[Armon Badill]

lovely little rant :)
nicely written :) almost perfect :) needs only a few little things tidied up... which i'm sure you'll catch on your next read through :)
i am not sure the point of view character can describe herself as "sanguine" .... lol
and irish and red headed and hot tempered, (as is quite apparent) all in the same story...lol

here's something, you write:
She grabbed the remote as if I were a one-year-old picking up a glass trinket from the coffee table....

ok i know what you want to say, but i'm not sure this says it... She grabbed...as if "I" were a one year old...hmmmm?? how would you grab something as if the person sitting next to you were a one year old... would you grab it even?

just little things like that...I think i spotted two or three in there you might want to revisit...but other than that... I think this is very excellent!!!

well done :)

[An Ordinary Woman]

this was great Carole.

I laughed WITH you, not AT you. lol
Haven't we all been there with the remote thing? I gave up long ago. A couple months ago, I was alone all weekend and I couldn't even get the TV off the blue screen. lol

My little secret, I don't watch TV. This is why. I can't! rofl
Thanks for the laugh dear woman, I needed it !

[Greg the Bard]

Good story and one that we all can follow because we all have had the experence.I like the way the story flows in and out. It is easy to read and comprehend and it is humors to the point of seeing myself. Thanks for the read