The Heroic Thoughts of a Messed Up Teen

I wrote this as an assignment for my English class. The objective was to write an epic poem about your own vision of a hero. In this case, I made a young teen the hero of herself. Grade: 99

Do you know what it feels like to cry through the night?

To wake up every morning with dried tears on your face?

To refuse the burning urge with all your might?

Or to have your heart beat at a quivering pace?

I craved the feeling of metal on skin,

I wished to run the knife so deep.

To one day be brave enough and conquer the sin.

So that I could spend my time in an eternal sleep.

The voices, those demons, turned me into a wreck.

They caressed me in their darkness and shuttered out light.

My eyes would begin to gleam in excitement at a forming blood speck,

They paralyzed me like a bird cursed to no flight.

But these devils were not just the ones in myself,

Repeating the two words, “w***e” and “fat” again and again.

They existed everywhere and were bullies themselves,

They are the reason why I have grown accustomed to the life I live in.

Those devils would sneer at the way I dressed,

Stating that black enlarged my body rather than shrinking it.

All their hurtful comments made me more depressed,

Yet another reason leading me to commit.

I kept a journal documenting the feelings I felt that day.

Everyday the pages showed the words “Let me die slowly, to feel the pain I deserve.”.

I had began to let my body starve and decay,

To the point where I was numbness and no nerves.

Sometimes I felt like I could disappear,

Because it is obvious my life had been fully deprived.

The cuts lately then had gotten more severe,

I was living on Earth while not even being alive.

I was once Mommy’s special gift

And daddy’s little princess.

Now I could borrow her car to drive off a cliff,

And use his gun when I had gotten completely hopeless.

No one ever listened to my problems when I was this bad,

I would sit listening to the voices in my head.

I had become completely crazy and mad,

As I watched the blood drip from my wrists as I bled.

I was not always like this, a messed up teen,

I had goals, I had a future, I had dreams.

But then I lost my best friend and from their my wrists were never clean.

I began slowly tearing at the seams.

I sat around thinking I was unwanted,

To the point where I felt completely alone.

My negative thoughts were what made me haunted,

As every part of my body continued to groan.

I looked in the mirror and saw a beast,

One who destroyed full hearts and attacked lost souls.

This beast gave me a way to feel a release,

I began to sink like a ship  cut up with holes.

I became my worst nightmare,

Someone I feared at the start.

I was the monster that gave kids a scare,

I learned to live with a ripped out heart.

I hated who I had become, but loved the pain.

I became the person I knew I would be.

I was an inevitable failure from the start with nothing to gain.

I was a deranged bird waiting to be set free.

From there, that is when everything tumbled down.

I had no where to turn but to my lonely thoughts.

I was an unstable princess who lost her crown,

I was losing this battle and there was no more to be fought.

Everything and anything became a drag,

No one took me seriously and the pain thickened.

I could no longer stand the fact to breathe the air that made me gag.

I would have pulled the trigger, cut the dotted line if I wasn’t a chicken.

My journal was spotted with dried tears,

From the nights I sat on my bed and my pen met the pages.

I had to write about all the things I deserved punishment for through the years,

Because I had been so wrong and caused myself so much rage.

Then came the night I reached my peak,

I hit my breaking spot and came to the end.

From all the pain and tears, it made me weak.

I felt it was time to leave and reunite with my best friend.

I had thought of the ways that I could go,

But I didn’t want to go slow.

I wanted to feel the pain that I should know,

And learn that I could just let go.

Ninety nine percent of me was waiting to die,

To end for once and all.

But, one percent was terrified,

That I would be making the wrong call.

It was the day I wanted to go,

The year anniversary he did.

For the boy who stole my heart long ago.

No coincidence, just love.

I looked to the ceiling and let out a sigh,

I knew what I needed to do.

I slowly began to cry,

So why couldn't I move?

My life had become a dark paradise,

One where monsters were in the shapes of girls.

One with nothing left to sacrifice,

Where after every meal, you had to hurl.

But something was wrong in what I was to do,

Because I couldn't think straight.

My mind was racing with thoughts of you,

The boy who left in the same way.

I didn't want to be another one of its victims,

Because I began to weigh my options.

Either deal with grief like anyone with wisdom,

Or kill myself without any caution.

I was beginning to see past the lies people said.

I wasn’t fat, I was actually lean and thin.

How could you be a w***e if you’ve never been in bed?

It’s time I started believing the truth and end this sin.

I wiped away the tears and took a deep breath.

I counted the seconds that passed me by.

This is what it must feel like to not feel dead.

A human being who is actually alive.

I look back on the days I was so frail,

I had nothing to look for.

And I know that I can’t see my best friend if I chose to exhale,

But, I know where he is, he’d like it this way more.

That night I reigned over myself as a hero,

Who had the power to overcome a pathway to death.

I know the amount of scars on my body is far from zero,

But, they are my battle scars which people will have to accept.

Without the strength I managed to find and retain,

I would be living in a colored world seeing only gray.

Because of him and this, I learned to believe in myself and overcome pain.

Which is why I can be writing this poem today.  

Author's Note

Please leave me comments and if you think I should post more!!

Reviews

[RayXor]

you should indeed post more this was a bit long for my usual taste but ive been there and felt that so i was hooked. in a world with so many insensitive people some dont make it but if they do they eventually learn that real beauty and real strength come from within
its all about what we send out into the world.
thank you for sharing.

[Chloe]

Thanks so much! I appreciate it! I try not to write really long ones, but it kind of just happened!

[luvs2write]

This was absolutely amazing! Usually I tend to lose interested towards the end of longer poems, but this held my attention all the way through.

[Sindu]

Do keep writing, do keep posting. This delivers a story filled with such pain, feared truths and though it is long I did not get bored.
word by word, verse by verse, it managed to keep me interested and feel the pain, maybe only a miniscule of the reality. It is simple and powerful.

[Chloe]

Wow, thanks so much! This means a lot, that was what I wanted to do, deliver emotion word for word!

[misha]

Such strength in this piece. Beautifull write.

[Chloe]

Thank you!!

[Mila]

Well I definitely think that you deserved that amazing grade you got for this! The emotions were impeccable; I could really tell that you poured your heart and soul into this. I'm not usually into reading the poetry on here but sometimes when I do and I come across works like yours, it makes me want to read more and more of it. Amazing job; I can't really say much than that. Well done! :)

[Chloe]

javascript:void(0); Wow, thank you so much! This means a whole lot! I am glad you feel this way about my poem, and I am happy it is a poem you actually wanted to read, considering your not-so-fondness when it comes to reading poetry. Really, thank you!