Her Madness Sets Her Free

Letter to H.H.

Don't you remember? I'm an insomniac. That's why I never forget; because I have the time to remember. But that's also why I never bring anything up; because I have the time to decide not to. It works for me, but mostly it works against me. False happiness is a result.

Do you know what it's like always living in your head? It's kind of like asking a question and never getting an answer...It IS asking a question and never getting an answer. Not the right one anyway. Not the answer you want. Never just one answer. It's like watching the alternate endings of a movie...all 12 of them and still thinking something else could have happened. It's dwelling on your past, stressing on the present, and worrying about the future. 

Don't you ever wonder why I'm an insomniac? It's not just your arms I can't sleep in. I don't sleep because my mind thinks too fast for me to close my eyes and drift. I don't sleep because I'd rather think. I didn't grow up very well. But that was my own fault. Kind of. That's what they told me anyway. I had the resources to help myself, I chose not to use them. But by the time I'd gotten those resources, I'd been snapped in half. I suppose the later years were full of spite while the early years were full of confusion and I just wish they would have admitted they should have helped me sooner. Crazy, Insane, Melodramatic. Well, I don't like to blame things on other people. So, I don't talk about it at all. 

Do you remember when I said I couldn't love you? I didn't believe in love for myself. I looked around at beautiful couples, and happy families and thought " That's just something I am not capable of." And maybe it isn't, but I'm willing to try now. You see, everything I've ever thought about at night has made me crazy, but I'm realizing now that that could be alright. Everything that has ruined me can possibly start to build me up again. The same way the things that build you up can cause you to fall. Don't let me fall. Not this time. I'm realizing now that possibly madness sets you free.

Author's Note

Just sort of to vent and sort out what I wanted someone to understand and know.

Reviews

[god is not great, I am]

Quite lovely.

[Loney tunes]

You are bursting my head

[screamin'ian]

Very honest and insightful; I enjoyed reading it.

[Crow]

Well done, you seem to capture the true nature of a poetic insomniac.

I luv it!

[gogi7]

i like it....i vent the same way.... good job :)