6:28 am and I Have Caught you Again

All of the things I've posted on here so far have been very alike because this is just a part of my life that has been very reoccurring. This is like my other pieces, but written in anger.

It was something about this time that made me think there was change in store.
The way you were talking, the way you were acting, I didn't feel like I had to miss you anymore.
But I was wrong.
You did it again, you caved in because you couldn't be strong.
What a selfish thing to do, because your daughter's birth isn't going to take very long.

It's crazy because last night you made me cry. You put the blame on me for so many different things, but once again that was just a mask you were wearing. I wasn't the bad guy.

It's 6:28am and I can't bring myself to cry even one tear. I broke down so hard last night, I don't think there are even anymore here.
I started to try and trust you, but something felt off. While you were sleeping this morning I looked through your phone.
Now I kind of wish I just stopped.

Like usual you deleted any trace of the truth, but I still found a way to piece it together and I know that for two days in a row, you used.

F**k your excuses and f**k your lies. F**k you for making me feel bad and putting me down, because while you were doing all of that, you were high.

That's f*****g disgusting if you couldn't see. You hit me with pain to destroy my self esteem, so that I'd follow your lies and believe that the fault sits with me.

It's too late for treatment now. If you go you'll probably miss her birth. She'll come into the world without her daddy's face being one of the faces she sees first.

Even if you go now, right after she's born, you'll miss her first few weeks of life and I know you'll feel torn.

I don't know why I give a s**t anymore, or why I try to include you in any plans. The way it's looking now, you won't be there for any of them because you don't know how to act like a f*****g man.

It shouldn't matter to me anymore about what you're here for and what your absence will entail. I can't keep making it my problem. I can't keep watching you fail.

Just because I'm a mom doesn't mean I should stay with you. How will I teach my baby girl not to settle for less if that's all I ever do?

Do you realize right now that you're building her first experiences?

You're creating your foot print on her life but i think the wind is going to blow it away. I will not let you come around her if you can't even let yourself be okay.
You threw away your sobriety after what? 11 days.

It's not different. So I don't know why I force myself to believe it is. I don't know what will change it, but it's been clear for a while now that you want drugs more than you want your kid.

It will not just go away, no matter how many times I feel like it will. F**k your "self determination", it doesn't exist anymore. All because of your stupid f*****g pills.