My Story

After the recent events of Robin Williams taking his life; I felt I needed to tell my story. I just want to show people a glimpse from what a person like him went through on a daily basis.

I just wanted to speak on something that really has impacted me in such a way I didn't think possible. I have been to few funerals, but know plenty of people that have passed. None though have affected me like the passing of Robin Williams. I am only 25 years old and seem to have such a strong connection to his story; to his life. We never met and I really only know him from what I have seen in his movies and appearances on news, but for some reason I just have been drawn to this story. I too suffer from depression, but work an every day normal life. I have the happy and I have the sad. I have the ups and the downs, but like Robin Williams; mine are way up or way down.

Being a manic depressive has been a struggle for me my whole entire life. It got really bad when I was in high school and really didn't know my place. I was on the football team and I had a lot of "friends", but I was not like everyone else. I didn't see things as half full like all of my friends. I didn't always see the silver lining to even the most perfect of situtations. I was very withdrawn a lot from my friends and family. I was introverted when I was home, but one of the most outgoing and fun to be around people when I was around others. Kind of like the feeling I get from reading all these stories about Robin Williams.

You see, I was such a fun person to be around. I always was the life of the party, but that came at a cost. I was a heavy drinker and heavy into drugs through high school and into my young 20's even. I had the problem of excess. There was never one drink, one joint, or one line. Mixed with the way I was truly feeling inside was a recipe for disaster. I was a promiscuous person. I hurt everyone around me. I didn't even care at the time about it either. I would be home alone after the parties or from just being out with friends and I wouldn't be sleeping and dreaming. I was up into the early mornings every single day. I was writing. I was cutting. I was crying. I was alone.

The feeling of being alone but being surrounded by so many people is one of the most uncomforting things in the world to feel. People talk about being in the room with a loved one and the rest of the people in the room fading away and be left with the person they love, but for someone with depression think of the same situation of people fading away. Except in this scenario you are not left with the one you love, but you are alone. You are in the dark. You are with only your thoughts and they normally aren't good ones. Imagine the feeling of being surrounded by so many people who love you and care about you, but unable to feel that. Unable to grasp the concept of loving someone enough to truly care about you.

It is something I deal with myself on a daily basis. Depression is nothing that can be cured. It is something that just can be maintained, but always lies there. Underneath everything it lies there. It waits for the moment to come back and shake you. It can happen in a moments notice without warning. It can dibilitate even the most powerful of people.

I want to be a voice. I want to be able to help those that need it. I hope that someone out there will read this and reach out to me to talk instead of taking the step that Robin took and that i have attempted myself. Love is a powerful force, but so is depression. Sometimes depression wins.

Make sure that if you know someone that is struggling with depression you do the one thing that will always help; be there. Not just in the room; through everything they go through. You will get frustrated with them and you will get annoyed because you don't understand not being able to control emotion. It is just a hard thing for anyone to go through. Save a life and be there through it all.