Earliest Memory - Before the Divorce

A Chapter by Soulfull Sorrow

The first events of my life remembered

Waking up in the middle of the night in the three bedroom house with my mother, father, and half sister is really where I can begin my story. I do not really remember before the seventh year of my life so I will get started here.

Again, waking up in the middle of the night I hear the tell tale slam of the door and know what two things could happen next. My father was home and he has only one of two actions to start next; to sleep, or start a fight with someone. This was one of the times he chose the ladder. He had chosen the fight and he had picked his favorite apponent; my mother.

My mother was a small women, maybe standing at 5'3", with really know way of fighting off my 6'4" 250 pound man.

I knew that my dad had chosen the fight because I could hear their voices, but mostly my dad was doing the talking. I do not really remember what was said or what the fight was even about, but I remember it happening. I can feel the boom in my dads voice still to this day. I can hear my mom screaming for help from someone, anyone.

Now my dad rarely hit anyone, but there were times that hitting someone was the end result of that evenings fight. I really cannot tell you the severity of the physical altercations of my father as a young boy, but I can picture what they were like based on later on down the road in my life. I know that when my father did hit; he hit hard and with purpose. No matter what though I still felt somewhat safe from all the bad things happening around me. The main reason for that was my Half Sister. She was my protecter when I was young. As my dad came in screaming and yelling at my mother she would come and rescue me from my room, she would bring me to hers, and we would hide in her closet with brooms and mops for protection until the yelling stopped. They only stopped for very few reasons; one, my dad passed out and fell asleep or two, my father would leave the house and not come back until the following evening. This went on for the next two years of my life until my father finally found it to be enough.

Now this was before I understood depression. It was before I knew anything but the basic happy or sad emotions. I just knew I was sad a lot during those two years and many years since.

At nine years old I really didn't understand what was going on. I just knew that my dad wasn't coming home anymore and I lived only with my mother and half sister now. This was the point my feelings started to change. It was through the next several years I was really taught what pain was; what depression was. The next few years after this really shaped me to the emotional person I am today. The next part in the story gets very dark for a long time, there are many days of saddness and just blatent hurt from the people who should have loved me the most at the time. The next part of the story is what bread the darkness that lives inside me now and will always be there.