Beautiful Sorrow

A text written by a friend of mine about depression

   There she was again, sitting on the balcony with her dark green eyes staring at the void. Her long black hair waving along with the soft afternoon breeze. She seemed sadder than usual and he could tell that she was struggling again. Julien felt his heart tighten as he looked at her. Melanie’s once vivid eyes were expressionless. He called out for her and when she acknowledged his presence, a smile formed on her face. “Julien, you’re here” she exclaimed as her eyes regained their beautiful expression.

   Julien was her twin brother. He had moved in with his girlfriend to another city a couple of years ago and they hadn’t seen each other for a month. He looked different even though he was still the same. His black hair was still perfectly styled and his green eyes still had that same kind expression wrapped on those long dark eyelashes. But he was sad. She could tell that better than anyone else. Maybe he wasn’t happy to see her… maybe something has changed…

   “How have you been pretty girl?” Julien asked, studying her every move. “I’ve been really good! I just wrote a new song and…”

   Julien interrupted her with a hug and asked again: “How have you been pretty girl?” Melanie started crying, pouring. She hugged him back and mumbled “Mom and dad could never see through me like you can. They think that because I have everything I don’t have the right to feel sad.”

   Melanie and Julien were the children of a wealthy family and the lack of love from their parents was too painful for her to deal with. They were no more than two prizes at the eyes of their paternal figures. Both of them had to score the highest in everything so that their parents’ friends would be jealous. They could not show emotions in public because, according to their mother, “It was a sign of weakness”. Both of them grew up supporting each other in the best way they could. She missed him. It was unbearable to be alone with them. She felt like all of her life was controlled by them and that she couldn’t breathe. She had been suffering from depression since her 14’s and it seemed worse every year. At 21, she felt like she wasn’t the owner of herself and that was slowly killing her. She barely had time to be alone, but when she did, she used to write songs about her life and feelings. About being free. About finding love and eloping just like her brother did. She didn’t hate her parents but she also didn’t love them. The only thing that she was certain about was how broken and desperate she was to leave.

Text by Carolina Costa