Barely

Barely

A Poem by Floundering About

“She looks so traumatized,”
I barely say.
She barely looks traumatized:
barely bare.
I am so bare that I barely look.

bare behind thin film of ly

things barely seen

things expose over
burn like lye
too true
truth becomes ly
gently sharply
shields with coals

(things barely see
eyes are only eyes)

© 2010 Floundering About


Author's Note

Floundering About
the line that troubles me most is "shields with coals": the metaphor of burning is setup with "burn like lye," but lye doesn't burn like coals. perhaps the line should just be "protects and burns"?

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Interesting poem. The structure really suits the content. I normally hate over-repetition but this actually suits the poem with the repetition of bare/barely and lye. Although I think you mean in two of the lines to spell "lie" instead of "ly" (because ly isn't a word, unless you meant to add an "e")..... OH NOW I see what you did there... bare-ly... ly... damn I need to stop reading poems when I'm half asleep. Very clever, my enjoyment of this poem just intensified by a great deal... Well done sir, well out with your clever wit.

As for your author's note. I don't really know about "protects and burns" ... doesn't lye normally burn like acid? Of course, "shields with corrosion" does sound a little weird. I do agree that the line troubles me as well, not just with the metaphor but somehow after reading it so much the flow feels off as well.

Otherwise, I really enjoyed reading this poem. So much depth in such few words used. Well done and good luck with that line ^.^

~~Arra~~

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Interesting poem. The structure really suits the content. I normally hate over-repetition but this actually suits the poem with the repetition of bare/barely and lye. Although I think you mean in two of the lines to spell "lie" instead of "ly" (because ly isn't a word, unless you meant to add an "e")..... OH NOW I see what you did there... bare-ly... ly... damn I need to stop reading poems when I'm half asleep. Very clever, my enjoyment of this poem just intensified by a great deal... Well done sir, well out with your clever wit.

As for your author's note. I don't really know about "protects and burns" ... doesn't lye normally burn like acid? Of course, "shields with corrosion" does sound a little weird. I do agree that the line troubles me as well, not just with the metaphor but somehow after reading it so much the flow feels off as well.

Otherwise, I really enjoyed reading this poem. So much depth in such few words used. Well done and good luck with that line ^.^

~~Arra~~

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Perhaps, it is perfect.

Posted 9 Years Ago


BTW, No need to change a things there.

Posted 9 Years Ago


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Awesome (:

The thing with poetry is, you don't have to stumble upon reality and logistics. Just let in flow like the wind.

I'd personally like this one as an Etheree. It'd be even better then.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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480 Views
4 Reviews
Rating
Shelved in 2 Libraries
Added on June 20, 2010
Last Updated on June 21, 2010
Tags: truth, lie, barely, sight, look, gaze, paradox


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