Chella Memorex

About Chella!

                       

           Chapter 1

Why am I here? Why did this happen to me? Did I deserve this pain? A punishment so harsh, that you wouldn’t even curse onto your worst enemy. Can anybody hear me?

            As all these thought pondered through my head I knew that at that instant I was going to die.

            But luckily, I’m still ALIVE! (I thought to myself sarcastically.)

My name is Chella Memorex. I am 16 years old, in the 10^th grade. Lady Gaga is my inspiration and Megan Fox is my lesbian lover. Music keeps me going through the day and writing is my passion. These are the things that keep my sane. I mean if I didn’t have any of these things I would be lost. I’d be lost like a big fish in the big blue ocean. (Cheesy analogy, I know, but you’re going to have to get use to it.)

            I’m what you would call the “average teenage girl” except for the fact that I’m living with a disease. The name of the disease is called Chrohn’s disease. It’s a disease that I’ve had for the past 3 years and now it’s severe. What it entitles is that I randomly feel sick and off I go. I either have to go number 2 or vomit. Yeah, it’s not fun but I deal with it. I’ve been through 3 colonoscopies, 14 pills a day, and 4 doctors and surprisingly I’m still ALIVE! This disease affects everything I do. Home, Church, and most importantly school.

            I’m a student at FairOak High School. The best school in the World. (If I couldn’t say it more sarcastically.) I’m in the Business and Marketing Academy though I want to be a writer. My mom wants me to work towards a more “productive” goal. (Whatever that means.) I write everyday. It’s what gets me through the pain. So my plan is to get into the business world and that will help guide me through the Writing Industry. Where I dream to be! It means everything to me! Words can’t even explain!

            But the last possible thing about my life that I absolutely dread is…. The fact I live with my arch-enemy. “My Stepfather.”  He’s a low-life drunk who is living off his month to month government check. He isn’t sober half the time and that means Mom can’t even have a smart, intellectual conversation with him. He’s the type of man that you pray to God every night that your daughter doesn’t marry. Mom’s time consists of talking about him and reading her “Daily Bread.” Being a complete hyprocrite while living with this low-life man. I actually think he’s retarded. She knocked at his door all last summer begging and pleading for him to come live with her. She bought him clothing, feed him, provided beer, and was willing to take him in. I mean id I was a “retard”. I would come live with her, too. She’s providing him with the necessities of life and wants that get him high. Who wouldn’t stay?

Author's Note

Ignore grammar problems.. Tell me what you think please ;)
Continue or no?

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

A very interesting story. You create a very interesting character. I like the slow and easy pace to the beginning. Too much story takes away from the characters. A excellent first chapter. Sent me read request. I work a terrible schedule. But I will read ASAP.
Coyote

[deeps]

Wow! That is horrible to live with a diease like that.
I know about the drunk part I have a family member like that.
This is very well written and so emotional.

[Senseless whatever]

Good start. The reviews have gotten to the crux of it. My simple suggestion, show don't tell. You do this at times, when you do it is really good.

[Manda]

wow i liked this .... well done

[Livana Lowell]

Most of these reviewers have said what I wanted to say. So I don't know if what I say is completely different, but here's my view:

There's a type of writing I've noticed in common pop fiction of today in which you tried to do. I call it "skinny writing". The story possesses a comically sarcastic mood and it's mostly writing like you talk. It's a style that connects to young adults and teenagers. Now, there's nothing wrong with that, but it's a tricky style because it's easy to confuse your reader and you don't want to leave your aduience in question marks. It''s a lesson every writer knows. The beginning of this story has confused me because I couldn't tell if this part was a setup for a flashback or just a present feeling:

Why am I here? Why did this happen to me? Did I deserve this pain? A punishment so harsh, that you wouldn’t even curse onto your worst enemy. Can anybody hear me?
As all these thought pondered through my head I knew that at that instant I was going to die.
But luckily, I’m still ALIVE! (I thought to myself sarcastically.)

And Gabriella Stalker has said all the the typos. Here is a suggestion: revise the times you use sarcastically because the adverb is too much emphaise on the mood when the mood is already seeable.

Now, what I see is weak writing because I agree with Gabrielle Stalker, this is all tell and no show. I feel like I'm reading an essay rather than a book. I was quite disappointed when you "told" me that the father was a drunk. With something like that, I expect to see or read his actions. I want to read or see him drinking like mad or lazing around or I want to read or see the mother stressed. Don't tell me she does that, make her do it. I also agree with Harmony because it does seem like an entire book cramed into one chapter.

Although, I must say I could be terribly wrong because if I were thinking on a critical note, I would infer that you did this kind of thing on purpose. I never expect the writer to bluntly tell me the name of their character and their life and all that unless something big is gonna happen.. Even with that, if you plan to keep this chapter, revise it OR you could use this as a prologue or prelude and it'd be more credible and I or the reader would care more.

[Lexi Nicole]

I like this character a lot, but this beginning is a little bland. It gets the point across, of course, but it needs a little extra something to really make it pop. Definitely continue, but I'd say try to dig a little deeper into this character's world and give your readers a little something more to sink their teeth into. :)

[Jacqueline Lopez]

Continue, my friend. This is a very powerful piece and I'm hoping this isn't based on your life. Anyway, I like the story so far. You have a very creative mind and I love how you speak your mind!

[James Watts]

I agree that it needs some work. Seems to lack focus. I will ignore grammar, as you asked, but would advise you to do a complete edit of this piece when finished. Main concerns is structure, imagery and dialogue. The structure of the piece is a bit wobbly, like straw house in a hurricane. You will need to read other stories of the genre and study a little on grammar and literature so that you can structure this piece in a more solid foundation. Imagery. We need to know a little more about our surroundings in this story. You don't have to go overboard with detail, like some writers do. Too much can be a headache while too little can be a dull read. Dialogue. None to review. Don't give up...just put a little more work into it.

[A.Lee]

I would continue.. but from here I would start to narrow down and describe your main character more and pull into a tighter story-line. A good over-view summary here though.

[Aussie]

It was well written generally,though it could do better with a few tweaks here and there.It's a personal story that not everyone can relate to that is both touching and dramatic at the same time;it's almost always an interesting topic,especially from the point of view of another.

What I don't like about it is that it reminds me how much it sucks to live with an incurable ailment,and the fact that I have to deal with one.But it is a good piece,well written,telling,heartfelt and full of charisma and energy.Great job(: