Phantom

I wrote this with the hopes of submitting an unrhyming poem for a grade in creative writing. I'm trying to grow as a writer, some honest opinions please! :)

By day I smile.

The moments pass

And I'm happy.

Content.

I can ignore

The emptiness

That resides

In my chest.

 

The days drift past

With ease.

But by night,

I can't

Escape you.

The phantom

Of your memory

Haunts

My

Subconscious.

 

I see you.

Sometimes,

You're with her.

Others,

You're still mine.

Each scenario

Wakes me

With the bitter taste

Of adversity

On my tongue.

I don't want you.

Need you.

Know you.

You are nothing

But a fraud.

 

However,

When I close my eyes,

The apparition

 Of what was

Torments me.

You are

My

Demon.

Author's Note

Please please critique away! I really want some feedback, I'm very new to this whole no rhyming thing and need some feedback!!! :)) thank you!

Reviews

[Ashley Myers]

wow i really like this and i think a lot of people can actually relate to this which is an important thing as a poet. reaching people and touching them. relating to the reader and them relating to you. very well written

[Steph's_romantic_myster..]

This is an excellent poem. You have all the things in the right place, The rhym and tempo is consistant (So important for a non rhyming poem) and you have an easy fluidity (it allows the reader to run through it easily and yet focus on everything you say.) Your content is very deep and emotional and its got a real good haunting quality to it... Almost reminds me of a stalker or something.. This is an excellent write and a favorite for my library

[Jim Parson]

This is very beautiful. Haunting and melancholy and moving. "The apparition of what was torments me"...just a fabulous line. Really well done, Heather!