Erich - Three.

Erich

This was the last thing in the world I wanted. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I should never have had to see his face again. It had taken me two years to convince myself that what happened on the last day of school was a sign that I was supposed to stay as far away from Gabriel Moretti as possible. It was a sign that he should stay away from me, if he knew what was good for him. Goddamn it. Why didn’t he ever know what was good for him?

            It wasn’t fair. The guys didn’t have the right to turn up out of the blue in my life again. They didn’t have the right to wreck everything I had worked for. I wasn’t going to let them ruin my life. I was living the right life now. I was doing what I was meant to do.

            It was hard to remember that with Gabe walking a foot behind me, though. He had been my shadow all through the school term. The feeling of his eyes on the back of my head reminded me of England. It made me want to talk to him. I couldn’t do that. I always said stupid things around him. I always told him more than I meant to. It was better to just keep him quiet.

            It sure was quiet walking through those streets. Night hit the ghetto early in the winter. It was already almost too dark to see. Gabe’s quiet shuffling behind me was so familiar it made my stomach hurt.

            “Erich…” His voice came from the dark behind me.

            “Shut it, Ga… Moretti,” Better to not even use his first name. Better to keep him at the farthest distance possible. He shut up immediately. “We’re coming up on the gate,” I muttered. “Keep quiet and keep close.”

            Soldiers were on watch at stations all over on the wall, in watch towers, and on the ground. There was usually only one at the gate, though. It wasn’t a hard job to sort out who was a Jew and who wasn’t, and only once in a blue moon was someone stupid enough to try and forge papers. But that didn’t mean I wouldn’t be dead if I got caught smuggling an intruder through the gate.

I knew the guard on duty. “Dietrich,” I greeted him as we approached the gate. Dietrich was ranked higher than me. Older too. He was the ugliest m**********r you ever saw. The men said he got his face cut up in a fight with a Jewish rebel. The left side of his face really just looks like my right arm. And he’s missing a piece of his ear. He was a mean son of a b***h too. He liked his job. He was always quick to volunteer for raids and firing squads. I approached cautiously. Lifted my arm to the salute that was now second nature. “Heil!”

 “Heil!”

            Dietrich dropped his arm and nodded. “How were your rounds today, Amery?” he asked in German. It occurred to me that Gabe had no idea what we were saying. That this was probably even more nerve-racking for him than for me

            My palms were starting to sweat under my gloves. Maybe I could get through without a problem. Maybe he wouldn’t even notice Gabe was there. “Uneventful, sir,” I lied. “I’m headed back to get some sleep.”

            Dietrich snorted. “Lucky b*****d.” I was halfway through the gate when he spotted Gabe. “Who’s this?”

            I turned to look at Gabe. He looked so small in my oversized coat. He had his head bowed to avoid eye contract with Dietrich, who was sizing him up. There was nothing Gabe could do. He didn’t even speak the language. I had to handle this alone.

            “New recruit,” I said gruffly. “I’m showing him the ropes.”

            Dietrich grunted. “Doesn’t look like he’s from around here.” He could not have been more right.

            “Italian b*****d,” I answered quickly. “He told me earlier. His Da’s a German and his Ma’s a w***e from Sicily. Army was the only place for him once he got shipped back to Nuremburg.”

            He still wasn’t convinced. “Doesn’t say much, does he?” Dietrich turned back to Gabe. “What’s your name, then?”

            We were dead. Gabe didn’t understand. They would check his papers. They would figure out what I was doing. They would make us kneel down in the street and shoot us in the back of the head. I had seen it before. I was going to die next to Gabe Moretti. I was going to die because of Gabe Moretti.

            “Christian.” The word sounded so German I had to blink hard before I realized it was Gabe who had opened his mouth. “Christian Himmel.”

            I had to try not to gape at him. It wasn’t only the surprise that he understood German, but the name he came up with. It was a ridiculous, stupid name when you put it together. But all I could think was the Gabe had somehow understood us.

            Dietrich smiled at him. He was at least somewhat convinced now. “Welcome to hell, Himmel.” I had to force myself to laugh at the joke. In English, Himmel meant ‘Heaven.’ I wondered if Gabe really understood or if he only laughed because I did. Either way, Dietrich pushed open the heavy metal doors and we walked right through.

            I waited until we were two blocks from the wall before I spoke. “Sprechen sie Deutsch?” I whispered.

            I could almost hear the smile on Gabe’s face. “Ein wenig.” A little. I just shook my head. He could still surprise me. He paused for a second before adding in English, “You know I’m not Sicilian.” Like that was the thing to worry about.

            There were bigger problems now. Getting through the gate had seemed so unlikely I hadn’t planned out what to do next. Gabe needed somewhere to stay. Maybe I could force a Polish family to take him in. Orders from a soldier were sure to be obeyed. But I couldn’t risk anyone knowing he wasn’t a soldier himself now that I had told that lie. I knew the only option. There was only one place he could stay: with me.

            The Aryan side was larger than the Jewish quarter, even though there were about half as many people. This town in Poland wasn’t any important place like Warsaw or Krakow, just a city with enough space. So it wasn’t very heavily staffed. There was no barracks close enough to town, so my batallion was housed in a hotel that had been abandoned at the beginning of the war. I guess the setup was nicer than most. Everyone had their own room with just one roommate. Everyone except me. 

Braun, my roommate, had had a meltdown a few months back. It was just a couple weeks after they shipped me out here. He was twitchy and awkward, and I had known the pressure would get to him eventually. He made a run for it during a raid of smuggler’s operation. When they cornered him he threw himself off the watchtower. But there were already plenty of soldiers and new recruits were scarce. From what we heard, more and more men were needed in actual battle. So no one had replaced him.

I didn’t tell Gabe what I had decided. He was just going to have to deal with it. He made a small, scared noise when he realized I was taking him to the hotel. He must have known the area. He must have figured out where we were going.

The guys from my unit were down in the lobby. There were drinks and cigars and cards and loud music. “Hey Amery,” one of them called. “I just won half Fredrick’s ration. I’ll roll you craps for it!”

I shook my head and made for the elevator. Gabe kept his face hidden under my hat and behind my coat collar even though it was warm inside. “Not tonight guys. I’ve got four o’clock morning watch tomorrow.” That much was true. By the time they could object I had shoved Gabe into the elevator.

The elevator actually turned out to be a mistake. It was just a warm little space. Too warm. Too little. I pressed myself to the opposite wall. But Gabe was still barely a few centimeters away from me. I couldn’t even risk looking at him. I didn’t know what I would do if I did. I had to drop my head and squeeze my eyes shut to keep from thinking about what I knew I shouldn’t think about. How it would feel to knot my fingers in his familiar dark curls. How his mouth would still taste like smoke and honey. How easy it would be to pull him over and feel him under my hands again. How easy it would be to go back to the way things were. I had to fight this. I felt feverish just looking at him. From the way I caught Gabe looking at me I could tell he was thinking the same thing.

Pull yourself together, I ordered myself. You’ll get yourself killed thinking like that. You’re not that way anymore. Gabe is nothing to you anymore. Be a man. I was going to have to handle myself if I was going to keep him safe. From now on, we take the stairs.

I breathed easy once we reached the fifth floor. Everyone else would be downstairs or on shift now. We had made it. We made our way down the green-carpeted hallway to my room. Gabe still didn’t say anything.

The rooms were pretty bare: plywood floorboards and ugly orange walls and puke-colored sheets covering the two beds. On nights like this when I wanted to be alone I could sit out on the fire escape and smoke. One thing I could say for this place, I had liked living alone. Of course, that was ruined now too.

I turned back to Gabe. He was standing by the door and looking at the ground. He had no luggage. Nothing but the clothes on his back. As I looked at him, I realized how scared he must have been. This place was familiar to me now. But I remembered how barren and dark the city had seemed when I first came here two months ago. He had been through hell to get here. He had been through hell to find me. The least I could do was talk to him. I owed him that much.

I cleared my throat, kicking at the ground. “So you’ll stay here.” I muttered uncomfortably. “Um, that’s your bed.” I motioned to the one closest to the door.

Gabe didn’t seem to want to talk. But he smiled a tiny little smile and nodded. It was the first smile I had seen on him yet. “Thanks.”

I couldn’t make myself say anything else. Instead I jumped out the window and sat on the fire escape. I sat there for a long time, smoking and wondering what the hell I was going to have to deal with tomorrow.

I could hear Gabe shuffling around inside. I didn’t dare turn to look. I held my finger over my lighter for a second. Just to make sure I wasn’t dreaming again.

I knew what would happen if this was a dream. I would go back into the room. Only it wouldn’t be my room. It would be the dorm at Wellington’s. Gabe would be standing in the middle of the floor. He would be crying. Lips bruised and quivering. I would go to him. Take his face in my hands.

“I’m sorry,” I would say. “I’m so sorry.” I would say it over and over again. All night. I would hold him there. His face so close to mine.

Sometimes he stopped crying. Sometimes he threw his arms around my neck and buried his face in my chest. Sometimes he kissed my bottom lip. On the rarest occasions, we would fall down on the mattress.

But most of the time, he just cried. He just cried no matter how much I apologized for everything I had done to him. It would mean a night of agonizing guilt and day on self-hatred if he didn’t stop crying. Most of the time, there was nothing I could say to make it up to him.

But the flame from my lighter licked my skin and burned my damaged finger. And I knew none of that would happen.

When I came back in a while later, Gabe was lying on his back, stripped down to his boxers with his eyes closed. I instantly dropped my gaze to the ground. This uncomfortable feeling dragged me back to memories from school again.

I could tell he was still awake. So I climbed into bed with my clothes still on. I felt a little better once I put the lamp out. In the dark I could almost pretend he wasn’t there. I could almost pretend none of this was happening to me. I could almost pretend that I didn’t hear the ragged breathing that could only mean he was crying.

I stared up at the ceiling. Clenched my fists. Bit down hard on the inside of my cheek. Anything to stop the feeling that my heart was shattering. Gabe was there. Right there. He was crying. Like he had hundreds of times in my dreams. It took everything, everything I had not to go over to him.

You are strong, I told myself. You’re stronger than you were before. He can’t do this to you anymore. Don’t let him mean anything to you anymore.

“Erich?” Gabe’s voice was so small and sad. I had to grab the sheets and hold on to keep myself from turning towards him.

“What?”

“I missed you.”

I squeezed my eyes shut and pretended not to hear. Even if I had been able to, there weren’t enough words to tell Gabe how much I had missed him too.

Author's Note

Posted raw, just for Ana

Reviews

[Bexfinch]

This I going to be a constructive comment while I love you and your writing I think you need some of my blazing comments of criticalness. While I LOVE the story being in the perspective of all these characters because there are so many I kinda feel it would be nice if there was some third person to solidify and hold everything together. Sometimes I feel like there could have been more manipulation... for example the last line. where Gabe says I'm glad your here... I think if you had staged it and dragged it out more like

There was a raw silence that hung in the air; humid and stagnant like the pale blue smoke curling from my cigerrette. ( IDK writng about feelings of fear)
(THen)

"Erich?"

"Yes?" My voice came out hoarse and nervous.

“I’m glad you’re here,"

I squeezed my eyes shut and pretended not to hear because truth was I was glad he was too.



Idk hust something like that not tryna fanfic it or anything. But thats just a lil critique! Keep it up!

[emily]

No, I LOVE THIS! I'm actually totally going to splice that in there. I threw these chapters together kind of slap dash from some chapters I wrote a long time ago, so I'm totally up for criticism :))

[Arianna]

do you get what this freaking book does to me???
i react like such a wierdo.
like legitamatly i havent been this emotionally invested in characters since fred and george weasley and one of them died!!!!!!!!
dont kill one of the boys, i couldnt take it,
and if you do...
gosh darn it do not make it gabe.
i would sob
for days.
like show up to school in all black for a month because im in mourning.
its been so long that ive been reading these characters that i feel like i know them...
and its because you make them so god dahm loveable, and realistic,.
they all have flaws, big ones
but they somehow make them better.
more human
and im so freaking astounded by this book
and by erich in particular
i know gabe is my favorite because i love him and he is amazing and just... gabe.
but erich is the most realistic character i think i have ever read,
you capture the struggles he goes trough,
and the difficulty he has with his father, with gabe, with his homosexuality, with jews, with violence so well and you manage to make a character who struggles with all of those things, who hates himself so much sometimes... you manage to make him loveable and i just dont... i dont even get how you do it but its amazing.