What's next... (10/05/08)

Figuring out what 's up ahead

I read somewhere that when you lose your spouse you lose friends. Generally couple friends. They see the disaster that happened to you and they bail. You're a painful reminder of what could happen to them. Wow. That just about sucks.

Lucky, or not, that hasn't been the case with me. For the most part Jesse and I did not have any friends in the area that we went out with. Our hanging out crowd was far away. So I haven't gone from hanging out with friends to not hanging out with friends. I've basically gone from hanging out with my husband to hanging around the house.

I can't complain because I have my son. Honestly, he's probably funnier than most people I know. The little man is a comedian. For a six year old. He always brings a smile to my face and he's the only one I can dance and sing with without living the rest of my life in shame. I have no voice and no coordination to speak of.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself right now. I'm just wondering what's next. What exactly is a 30 year old widow supposed to do going forward? Widow. That doesn't even seem like it should be in my vocabulary. I get this picture of an 80 year old woman dressed in black with her hair tied back in a tight bun. I do wear my hair in a bun every now and then and yes, there happen to be a few grey hairs (not for long), but the picture doesn't fit me. None of this fits.

I don't know if other women in my situation feel the same way. They must. We're trapped in this situation that we never wanted and it doesn't fit with what is supposed to happen and it sucks because no one else we know quite knows what to say or do. They don't know because they don't want to "put the shoe on". I don't blame them. I never wanted to either.

Those thoughts, whenever they do come up for people, start and end with, "If I ever lost him/her..." They never go beyond that. It's almost one of those superstitions where if you do go farther you're inviting disaster. You're jinxing yourself. So you don't go there and when you know someone who has had to go there you try even harder not to go there.

Anyways, I'm happy being a mother right now. But I'm a realist here. He still wants to snuggle every night and he's always ready for a piggy-back ride but for how long? How many more years will I be the center of his life? It won't be for long and if it is then I have to give him a little push away so he isn't "tied to his momma's apron strings". I don't think that'll be a problem. He's always been independent.

So, I go to work, I come home and be a mom, and after he goes to bed I wonder what's next...

Reviews

[Misery]

You ask the question that has haunted the history of the world: What Is Next?
I have no answers and as far as singing and dancing are concerned...we are members of the same club.
If I may offer one small suggestion? Change your concept of a 'widow'. Go from an 80 year old woman in black, to a younger woman in a bikini enjoying the summer sun and glad for the magical memories she keeps safe in her heart. I hope your journey is worth the walk.