thoughts from the bathtub (05/15/09)

In the bath again tonight...one of my favorite places to be. Oh yeah, this is not leading where you think it's leading, k? Lol, that said...I like to sink my head under the water and have all the sounds muffled. It helps me focus and calm my thoughts.

I was wishing tonight that I could have a waterproof laptop and get those nice, focused thoughts out before I stepped out of the tub and they got jumbled all up again. No such luck, so here they are jumbled and random as always.

My son is sick tonight, fever with coughing. The fever almost bothers me more than when he has the stomach stuff. The fever takes my overly active, bright, chipper little man and turns him into a lethargic, teary-eyed, fragile little being again. He doesn't want to play video games even! So here I am, Friday night, worried about my sick baby, and wondering about my decisions.

You would think that as you get older you get wiser. So if you get wiser then your decisions should start to get easier right? I know, dumb assumption. But wouldn't it be nice? At the very least I would like my decisions to make perfect sense all of the time. Not too much to ask :)

So the decisions aren't getting any easier. But one thing has become clearer lately is that my decisions need to be consistent. And they need to include my son. Because he is affected by every decision I make. What job I choose, where we live, where we travel, and what people I bring into our lives. It's amazing when you make even one of those decisions how drastically a six year old can react. Not a good or bad reaction necessarily but a definite reaction. It's not as if I don't expect a reaction either though. It's more about knowing how to respond to his reactions in a way that he knows it's ok.

I guess thats single parenting though, huh? You don't have the "safety" of spreading the blame anymore because your decisions are clearly your own and when you are the only one making them then it's pretty clear where the finger of blame is going to get pointed. (I have this image of being squashed by the "Blame Finger" kinda cartoonish but then again that's me ).

Anywho, I'm acutely aware tonight of my decsions. I'm aware that my Friday nights have turned into a night like every other night of the week, and I'm aware that every once in awhile I'm a little bit jealous of the fact that other people have a night out on Fridays (I vaguely remember what this means) and that I have to make the decision to stay home.

But then I hear my little man cough again, I bring him some water, take his temperature, and I'm reminded that my most important decision was to be a mother and it was the best decision I ever made. It's a decision that I'll never regret and one that has brought about the very best moments I've had in my life.

My decisions might not be easier as I get older but I think they have so much more of an impact. Hopefully a good impact :)

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

I agree.
"So the decisions aren't getting any easier. But one thing has become clearer lately is that my decisions need to be consistent. And they need to include my son. "
Hard to do. But we must. Thank you for sharing the story and your thoughts.
Coyote