Christmas Tears

As of late I have noticed a distressing trend of loss.
Pieces of me have fallen away or have broken away in the storms I have weathered.
My confidence, that took so long to find seems to have skipped off with my
peace of mind... and I am lost amongst the merriment.

I don't know where to begin.
I dare not travel back where I have been,
nor do I want to be the girl or woman I was then,
but pain and anxiety seem to be my constant companions,

they haven't left, as they sit in faded calico dresses
around my kitchen table smoking like it was the 50's,
and no matter how often I banish them they smile,
nod and make eye contact with each other, a shared joke.

I cannot  excise my memories through my tears,
each droplet hold a sliver of pain but the glacier that sits
directly on my chest never seems dissipate.
How did I become the trauma I've endured?

The holidays, how I want to lose myself in the
lights and glitter, but instead it makes the dullness darker,
My mind is black and my guilt is cutting. My last loss is still fresh
and it has resurrected previous losses, once relegated to the back shelves,

and I look at them as they all stand side by side in my mind.
I want to make a tree from them all, where the roots are made from all who once loved me,
the trunk should be created from all those who have held me up and raised me.
The branches are my attempt to reach for the sky, the tiny green leaves represent all the good deeds I have done,
the flowers are my children.

What I want this Christmas is what I can never have, so why do I insist in wanting...
A table surrounded, not by the interlopers, instead by all the people I miss so much,
because the holidays shall never be the same, and I cannot seem to recreate
the magic that surrounded those days before plans changed and people left.

I think of you this Christmas, Triss and Bill my parents, my nephew Darius lost at 19,
Aunt Mary you died when you were just 43 leaving four children to raise.
My grandmother who died at 99, and how I miss her, but other Grandparents I never knew.
We are lost to one another on this plane where I am loved but also scarred.
 
So many gone, those stories gone too and I can only piece together the photographs left behind.
I still cry for you before I put on my holiday face and meet those who are still here as we bind
our love to one another. I must live in the moment but I will never leave those other moments to languish
in a photo album. I will always love and long for you, and share with you, my secret Christmas tears.

Reviews

[jacob erin-cilberto]

well you know i have recently had loss too...my mom.

and even before this, something about the luster of christmas...had already been so lost.
that old spirit i wish i could get back...but the holidays are just painful really...hard to get into the spirit with the spirits of all those close to me i have lost...and of course knowing how tough this first christmas is for my dad without her....
damn...the shine of the season is so tarnished these days...i just want it all to be over.

it is more taxing than anything else.

i relate so much to this...and also think about the two grandparents i never knew...

one of the two i knew was an a*****e...that was my mom's dad....he was not a good man or parent to my mom...

and this year my dad is way up in the mountains with my sister and brother in law, and getting there may not be possible because of weather.--
wow your personal journey in this poem really inspired my own journey...
a really moving poem that touched me deeply.

[icelandicblue]

Oh Jacob...It is so very hard. We know everything cannot remain but we do not know how to start again from the void that is left behind. I cannot wait for the holidays to be over as well. It's just too painful.

[DIVYA]

This is the best tribute one could pay our loved ones. Reading the lines, I could see the faces of each of my loved ones whom I lost. Life is so sad without them and always will be. I pray that here is not all and that there is another place where we may meet them. Your pen is amazing.

[icelandicblue]

Thank you Divya and I am sorry for your loss.

[DIVYA]

Thank you so much for sharing.

[Bright Ocean Star]

Those of us who have been loved the most, have the most love to lose, as both time and age whittle away at family members one by one. It is heartbreaking. I remember sitting around my husband's grandmother's table with her, his aunt, his great aunt, and his mom, thinking..."there once were three other men in this family. A father, a grandfather, an uncle...but now, Tom is the lone Y chromosome in the whole line. And over time, each of those precious women died all in the span of two years...one by one until the only one left is Tom. It makes me sad. We loved going to grandma's house to play cards and have her sing at the piano. She was strong as an ox up until she turned 101 years old. She is missed. Your poem is precious. Thank you.

[icelandicblue]

Thank you...it's hard without them.

[s y e]

I lost my Grandfather just after the New Year, 5 years ago, but the sad thing is, I never got to seem him and thank him for my presents, I still had presents wrapped and every year, I put that present under the tree with all the other presents in hope that he will see that I still miss him and that Christmas is not the same without him - it's hard on everyone, I cannot imagine losing someone before Christmas but either way, it is just as bad.

I remember I cried when my favourite actor died, 7 hours I cried for the guy, I met him once and I just loved him. I used to go to the theatre every year and see him, I got to meet him one day and it made all my dreams come true, he was such a funny soul.

This touched my heart Anne, I am sorry to have rambled. You have written this so beautifully, I do love Christmas and I look forward to it but when you lose someone, there's always that missing part of us - it doesn't go away though...

Loved it...xo

[icelandicblue]

I have always loved Christmas. It will take time to create a way to celebrate with those I love and those that are gone. Thank you Noodle.

[Confuser]

What a beautiful piece of work. It is so lovely and honest. I sigh, as I type. Oh, how I can relate...and I'm certain many others will also for I hope many will read this. Thank you so much. I do wish you have a Happy Holiday - There's too much to quote, I loved it all. Thanks again. Poetry 101 Tag

[icelandicblue]

Thank you confuser. Happy Holidays to you too.

[Confuser]

It is such an honest heartfelt piece - tried very hard to concentrate...but was remember a loved one and invisioning yours ....

[Matching Socks]

I lost someone very important to me just a couple days before Christmas a few years ago.
It's such a happy time and sad time. This month feels like such a roller coaster for me of up and down emotions, every year since... I felt very moved by your poem.

[icelandicblue]

A roller coaster is a perfect description. Thank you Ana.

[Beccy]

So true that so many are gone, and Christmas especially seems a time when those memories come flooding back.

There is a sadness we feel, but without memory, what would we be and what would we leave behind but a void.

Beccy.

[icelandicblue]

Thank you Beccy. Memory is wonderful but when someone you love is gone there is a vacuum left and that void seems to linger in the present where memory cannot quite recreate the holidays and the feel of love and comfort that we got from them. Thanks again.

[therisa]

Icelandicblue, I wish, I could say, I don't relate to your poem, but I do, on so many ways that my heart is still broken, in a thousand pieces. It will a decade, this Christmas, since the last time, I visit my family, during this time, facing abuse, from my younger brother, because he didn't like his presents. Or the love ones, who have died, over the years, who made this time of year, bearable for me, starting my opa (my 14th birthday), my oma, just before the Canada Day long weekend (June 1996), and my dad (November 1998). I hope, you're able to find a little ray of hope and love, for yourself, during the holiday season. Thank you, for sharing this very personal poem, Icelandicblue. May the Grinch, only exist, in Dr Suess' books and the Christmas special.

[icelandicblue]

Same to you therisa. You deserve to be happy.

[therisa]

Thank you, Icelandicblue.

[Jimmy Yetts]

None of us is going to get out of this, alive; what you want, here, can't be had.
Your fondest dreams, however, may well be ultimate reality. Nothing will be lost.
Merry Christmas, grouchy lady!

[icelandicblue]

Ah hello! it says secret Christmas tears. Now I'm off the the worst fate of all...an ugly sweater party. Thanks for reading. You'll never see that the inner turmoil and the outer smile don't match. My guess is you are young. I hope you never have to find out real loss regardless of the fact that the only way out of here is death. ; )

[Einstein Noodle]

the holidays we celebrate can be the worst of times for those who grieve ... many suicides occur at these times .. my wife died at the age of 30 .. our children were 3, 7,9 and 11 .. for me Mother's day has been the worst ..at Church mothers are lifted up (i was, and am both ma and pa) .. with never a nod nor wink to those like me .. not to mention my children .. Christmas for me has become something beyond all that .. someone very special was born ... with a destiny that He would not neglect nor refuse .. to the death! .. but i hear you icey! it cuts me thru and thru .. i wish you well.. be blessed and filled with joy and peace .. now and always.
your friend
E.
E.

[icelandicblue]

The holidays are so hard on many. I cannot know what it was like for you. Looking toward a higher spirit having a higher calling always puts things in perspective.