Stoned Alone

Take this!

I promise you,

it's the pill,

choice is yours

drink it

or spill,

I love you,

let me kill

you

Please, I'd love to ask you a question

I'd love to hear an answer

it's about particles and physics

and quantum mechanics,

maybe.

-but I love you,

I want to kill you,

because I can't;

you are light inside,

you are shining bright,

you can't see 'cause you are blind

star in brightless night

Reviews

[Nicole]

This has become one of my personal favorites! Good job!

[Emily]

Love the meaning of it! Well done Isus!

[melissa]

Amazing poem issue i can't wait to read more i hope you get published

[A.N Hunter]

I like the wording of the poem, but the ending is confusing
"because I can't;
you are light inside,
you are shining bright,
you can't see 'cause you are blind
star in brightless night"
That part is confusing.

[isus]

cause it begines here:
-but I love you,
I want to kill you,
because I can't;
you are light inside,
you are shining bright,
you can't see 'cause you are blind
star in brightless night

[JSmith0612]

I agree with a couple of people below me. I understand for rhythm and story-telling purposes, the length of lines is important to the structure of a poem. However, when the lines wind up incoherent like these are, it is hard to truly define what story you are trying to get across to the public. I'd definitely revise the sentence structure and maybe analyze your word choices here. You might find that more coherent thoughts and a formal structure might work better. What structure? Eh, I can't advise you on that one because poetry knowledge has been lost to me for a while on that one as per specific forms, etc. I think you have something that could be really great with some work.

[Samantha Lynn]

The wording of the lines is a little confusing. I can't really tell what you are talking about here. Look over it and re write so the lines are actual coherent sentences. I understand wanting the shortness with the lines, but it's confusing.

[A. H. Pinley]

Take this!
I promise you,
it's the pill,
choice is yours
drink it
or spill,
I'd love you to
let me kill
you
Please, I'd love to ask you a question
I'd love to hear your answer
it's about particles and physics
and quantum mechanics and all avenues in between,
maybe.
-but I'd love you,
to want me to kill you,
but I can't;
you are light inside,
you are shining bright,
you can't see 'cause you're blind
star in lightless night…

Wording is a little confusing. Hope you don't mind what I did to your piece? Just my way to help. Take care and keep writing!

[S]

Thats quite a poem, you've written! Very unique idea, never read anything on this topic before.... Good Work :)

[isus]

on what topic please? :)

[S]

on being stoned :p

[isus]

i see :D