Chapter Three

Chapter Three

 

Harrison felt iron go down his throat as he took in Mr. Fei’s words.  His body suddenly didn't feel real; he was now part of a movie that he watched in front of a screen.  The camera pans to the door, and he sees a shadow run away.  No.  This was real.  He needed to do something, but what?  Before his mind had time to think, his legs ran towards the door.  “Cherine!”

Cherine’s throat was burning, and her heart felt as if it was the only organ in her body that was moving.  She hadn’t run that fast since god knows when; her feet had suddenly grew wings as she moved step by step towards the end of the hallway to the staircase.  She heard Harrison call out her name, but it seemed so far.  His voice seemed so foreign now, and his footsteps didn't seem like it was coming closer, only louder.  She realized that the synchronicity between the two of them was now gone, their footsteps unaligned, their mind on different pages.  She wasn't any part of what had just happened in the classroom, and yet, everything she had was changed from it.  The warm feeling she felt thinking about Harrison now spiked her burning chest, making it harder and harder for her to run.  She couldn't stop.  She didn't want to face this. 

* * *

“Oh, that was adorable.”  Layton sat up on a desk where Charlotte and Harrison had been making out moments ago, and put his hands in his pocket.  “He’s a sweet kid.  Naïve, but sweet.  I mean he’s young; he has the right to be naïve still.  Don't make him grow up too fast, he’s gotta take his time or he’s gonna end up being a ‘the world is horrible’ complaining d****e.” 

“Or an ‘I’m not affected by anything’ cocky d****e.”  Charlotte looked straight at Layton.  Layton eyed her back, and simply shrugged.  “I’m affected by things.  For example, that made me want to be healthier.  Boy, kids can run.  I mean, I was never much of a…”

“Just stop it.”  Layton sighs.  He starts to realize that anything he tries now is just going to be taken as negative, so it’s best to just listen to her talk.  “I know what you’re trying to do.  Oh, let me just act like everything is fine and I don't care so she can feel even more guilty and stupid.  Like I don't already.  I know that it was stupid, but what else was I supposed to do?  I mean, they’re kids, high school romance, whatever.  It’s not gonna last either way, and Harrison could’ve said no if he wanted to, and it’s your fault for bringing the girl here and…”

* * *

“Cherine, wait, please, I…” Harrison grabs Cherine’s hand as she opens the door to the stairs, and catches a breath.  She stops, but doesn't look back.  Her hands are warm, but he could feel her veins running cold, and a rush of guilt and self-hatred ran through his.  “I know, it’s okay.”  Her voice shakes as she speaks, and she tries to clear her throat but it doesn't work.  She feels her tears build up in her lids, but she refuses to let them out.  I can’t cry, she tells herself, we need to talk about it, and if I cry… she knew if she got too emotional, everything would be over.  She wasn't ready for that.  She didn't know if she was ready to keep things going, but losing everything, she couldn't stand.  The anger she felt when she first saw them had now faded away.  She didn't want Mr. Fei to know that she was upset, and she had enough self-restraint to act mad, not sad, but she hated her stupid pride that she couldn't hold on to any longer. 

“It’s not okay, I know it’s not, please, don't…” Harrison could feel his thoughts clog his throat and mind.  There was so much rushing through him, but he had no way to express any of it to her.  He knew he was completely in the wrong, but a part of him didn't know if it was really right to apologize.  He didn't want her to think that he wanted any of this.  If he apologized, would it sound like he was a cause of what had happened?  He knew a part of him must’ve been, but Harrison didn't want Cherine to think in anyway that this was what he wanted.  But he felt sorry; so sorry, and he wanted her to face him…Harrison just wanted to see her face and hug her, something he would’ve been able to do just 30 minutes ago without hesitation.  And now, here Harrison was, not able to embrace the girl he cared so much about.  He didn't want to hurt her anymore than he already had, or make her feel uncomfortable.  He felt tainting as he felt her hand in his, and wondered if she felt disgusted by him touching her after what had happened.  Please just look at me…

“I’m not mad, I’m not…I don't hate you, I was, mad, well, no, I wasn't, I was just shocked, I didn't know what was going…I…” Cherine didn't know what words could save this situation.  She wanted to say something to make him feel better.  She knew Harrison wasn't the type of person to want any of this.  She wanted to say something; anything that would make him and her feel like this was solvable.  But she couldn't. Cherine babbled and babbled and nothing meaningful came out.  She thought outside that door that she could just get mad at this whole situation, yell at him, he would apologize, and then they could solve things together.  Cherine now realized that it wouldn't be that simple.  It was so easy for her to act tough in front of Mr. Fei, but she couldn't act in front of Harrison.  “I…”

What’s the point?  She couldn't say another word without tears coming out.  “Cherine…” Harrison squeezed her hand a little tighter.  Their hands still shared the same warmth, and it still warmed her heart the way it did before.  Why was everything else different?  How did this happen?  “I…understand that you’re mad at me…” No, I’m not, it’s not that…I’m not stupid, I know it wasn't you, I know… Cherine couldn't get the words out of her mouth.  She didn't want to blame Harrison for anything.  She could tell he was equally as distressed.  But she couldn't make what happened “okay”.  That wasn’t the solution.  She wished she could be mature enough to say something right.  “I’m not, really, I’m not.”

“Then look at me, please…” Cherine tried to turn but she didn't want Harrison to see her face.  He didn't need any more guilt put on to him.  This situation didn't need to get any more complicated than it was. 

“No…” Cherine shook her head.  Harrison felt his throat starting to choke again.  He didn't know what to do.  He wanted to see her; he wanted to see her face.  He wanted to face her.  Was it that she didn't want to see him?  Did she despise him that much?  “Why?  Cherine, look at me…I…” Cherine couldn't help her tears after hearing Harrison choking on his.  She sobbed, and swung Harrison’s hand off of hers, and wiped her own tears. 

Harrison knew he didn't have the right to cry right now, and as a guy, he felt the need to take this situation in his hands.  He heard Cherine’s sobs, and couldn't help wanting to hold her.  He wanted to hug her from behind and kiss her head, tell her everything was still okay, that he didn't feel any different about her, and that they could still figure things out.  But he didn't know if that was possible.  Was that what Cherine wanted?  “I’m sorry,” Cherine apologized. 

Harrison was terrified.  What was she apologizing for?  He felt his eyes and ears cloud.  He didn't want to hear what was coming.  Everything was fine.  Everything was okay.  They were so happy.  There was so much more he wanted to do with her.  There was so much Harrison wanted to tell Cherine.  Everything was piling up on his tongue, but nothing was coming out.  Nothing made sense.  Nothing he knew could fix this. 

Cherine wasn't sure what she was apologizing for.  She was sorry for crying, she was sorry she didn't know how to make this better, she was sorry she couldn't forgive him easily, she was sorry she didn't trust him instantly when she saw what was happening in the classroom, she was sorry that she didn't know what to do.  She turned around.  Harrison was standing there, and never had she seen him look so broken.  Cherine felt so much care for him, and even now, she felt she was falling for him even more.

His large eyes seemed darker, and though he didn't have tears coming out, his eyes were starting to broaden.  His strong jaw was biting inside hard, and she knew it was because he felt the same way as her.  There was so much to be said, but so little that mattered.  He stood tall and strong, he wasn't hiding the fact that he was hurt, but he showed he was trying to be strong enough to handle everything, for both of their sakes.  This was the boy that she had felt everything for, and she was proud of it.  Neither of them was ready for any of this.  Tears rushed down her eyes, and she couldn't feel herself breathe.  She saw Harrison’s hands twitch as she looked down.  His hands were in a fist, shaking slightly. 

Harrison couldn't bear to look at Cherine like this.  He never has had to hold himself back as much as he was right now.  What am I doing?  He thought to himself.  He never wanted to make Cherine cry.  He never wanted to hurt her.  He thought that with Cherine, he would be able to talk things out, and even with fights, they could try and understand each other, the way him and Charlotte couldn't.  But he didn't know how to solve or talk this out.  He realized that what he wanted, he wasn't ready for yet.  All he could hear were screams in his head of the same three words; the three words he wanted to say to Cherine so badly, that he might never get to say.  Harrison knew that if he wasn't ready to be able to solve this, he didn't have the right to commit to those words.  But he meant it with all his heart, and he wanted to commit to it, he wanted to try his hardest to make her happy.  But he understood that the words wouldn't make her smile anymore.  They have lost their certainty in that classroom.  What he says now will only seem like excuses or fabricated words.  No matter how much truth they hold, it would sound shallow and thin.  He was scared he had lost the chance to ever tell Cherine how he truly felt, in Charlotte’s lips. 

“Harrison…” Cherine looks into his eyes.  She swallows her tears.  “I don't hate you for anything.”

“Okay.”

“I’m not mad.”

You should be, Harrison thought.  He knew it would be easier for her to handle it if she was.  “But…” He closed his eyes.  He could feel what was coming.  Everything inside him was starting to sink.  To just breathe felt like the heaviest task.  “This is going to suffocate us both.”  Cherine couldn't hold up the weight of her words.  She didn't mean it.  She didn't want this.  She wanted to take them back and restart.  But she knew it would all still be the same.  She looked through her mind to search for words that she could say.  She cared so much.  She wanted him to know that.  She wanted Harrison to know how much she cared, how much she didn't want this, how she wasn't trying to do this, that everything was spinning out of control.  Cherine looked up at Harrison.  His eyes were closed, his head faced down.  “I know.” 

Harrison hated the fact that he was making her do this.  But he couldn't feel strong enough to take over yet.  The least he could do was not put up a fight.  Harrison wanted to dispute and tell her that this wasn't necessary, that he didn't want this, that he felt horrible, how sorry he was, how he cared about her more than anything.  Everything was too late.  The words he cherished will never reach to her now.  He opened his eyes, and tried to smile at her.  He could see the guilt in her tear-filled eyes.  He could tell she didn't hate him, and that was more than enough for Harrison.  He couldn't let her take the burden.  She didn't deserve it.  “It’s okay.” 

Cherine’s vision blurred as more tears came rushing out.  She understood Harrison’s last kindness.  She wouldn't have been able to do it if he didn't take over.  “I didn't want things to turn out this way,” He continued, and debated if he should say ‘I’m sorry’; he knew that wasn't what Cherine wanted to hear, and it wasn't right for him to say it to make himself feel better.  “I…I know this is a horrible ending, but every memory with you is still beyond anything I could’ve ever asked for.”  Cherine could barely hear Harrison’s words.  She felt her tears run out, and her mind starting to blur.  All the memories with Harrison came back to her as flashbacks.  She didn't want to see them.  She wasn't ready.  She didn't want to lose them.  She looked up at Harrison, and quickly nodded.  She let the last of her tears fall, and opened the door to the stairs.  Harrison stood there, listening to her footsteps fade away with their relationship.  He felt every memory with her fall to pieces.  He saw her smiles, her lips, her hair, her eyes...everything that he adored about her.  “I…” He trapped the following two words in his memories.