Creme

 

I leap into a teacup for the evening

        swim in the stars, float on the moon

sing to the sun, dine with the sea

        An arrow lances my keystone

leaving me vincible; peaceable

         Sprinkles of mischief lasso my eyes

 

I cast out honey-lemon dreams, cradle sugar in my palm

          Dance with the East, Converse with the West

The twinkle of mischief Illuminates my eyes

 

I hear the notes of love float among the tide        

          Beats of crimson hearts, unyielding bind

I close my eyes and kiss goodnite..

Author's Note

structure? punctuation?

Reviews

[Lyn Anderson]

I love these lines and the great imagery. I gave it a go, to give you an idea - take out the unnecessary punctuation and play with the structure:

I leap into a teacup for the evening

swim in the stars
float on the moon

sing to the sun
dine with the sea

An arrow lances my keystone

leaving me vincible
peaceable

Sprinkles of mischief lasso my eyes



I cast out honey-lemon dreams
cradle sugar in my palm

dance with the East
and converse with the West

The twinkle of mischief Illuminates my eyes



I hear the notes of love float among the tide

beats of crimson hearts
unyielding bind

I close my eyes and kiss goodnite..

[Jacquelene Vanessa Moreno]

that does look nice , neat and beautiful. Thank you for the suggestion, I think I will get on that

[Lyn Anderson]

You are very welcome. I think it is a very beautiful poem.

[Roland Petrov]

I'm going to make myself an Irish coffee later, and enjoy it when the cream kisses me goodnight. Lovely little poem!

[Daniel Sala]

Enjoyable imagery, a playful poem. I think the structure and punctuation are better left in your hands as you will know how you want this piece to read, I know little about poetry but to me it reads very nicely.

[Jacquelene Vanessa Moreno]

Thank you Daniel, I appreciate the critique. This is one of my light poems and I had fun with it.

[R. L. Hill]

I wouldn't get overly wrapped up with punctuation or structure. I really really enjoyed this. It's like a dream of sorts. I am a big fan of reading dreams and I feel as though I have been transported here. Well done.

[Jacquelene Vanessa Moreno]

It was a dream I had after a hot cup of peppermint tea, this is probably one of my lightest poems. THank you.

[R. L. Hill]

Of course. Now that you relate it to peppermint tea, I want to make myself a mug and reread this.

[-Aurelia Mirella]

I loved this!

It was so..sweet. :] ha

" swim in the stars, float on the moon

sing to the sun, dine with the sea"

[JohnL]

This delightful poem could be the song of the spoon, or the song of the sugar-bowl, or the creme jug! There is something magical in its light-hearted verses. You have asked for comment on punctuation and structure. First, it should be remembered that in poetry, there is no such thing as 'definitive punctuation and structure', however there is good, bad and indifferent. I think your structure here is excellent - experiment if you wish - indeed you should, but with this one, just leave it as it is. I'll give you my idea on punctuation. You'll notice that I move a semi-colon in one spot. I do like the fact that you use semi-colons.

I leap into a teacup for the evening,
swim in the stars, float on the moon,
sing to the sun, dine with the sea.
An arrow lances my keystone
leaving me vincible, peaceable;
sprinkles of mischief lasso my eyes.

I cast out honey-lemon dreams, cradle sugar in my palm,
dance with the East, converse with the West;
The twinkle of mischief Illuminates my eyes.

I hear the notes of love float among the tide.
Beats of crimson hearts, unyielding bind
I close my eyes and kiss goodnite..

I cannot understand the phrase 'unyielding bind in the penultimate line and finishing the last line, have you hit the full stop twice or is it a driftaway ending? 'goodnite . . . . . .' would be better if it is and it's quite a nice idea. I have altered some capitals to retain your original scheme but it's not too important.
A lovely, happy poem, Thank you.

[Antonio Valentino]

Your style is right up my alley.
What a pleasant surprise to bump into you tonight.

So enjoyed the poem!

Antonio

[Brett Campaigne]

your lyrical movement is like the surface of water dancing.

[Oz]

The beauty in this poem is indeed the images and how they're arranged. The structure is great; no need to worry about that. Your choice of words are brilliant in creating a whimsical, dream-like atmosphere. There was a great rhythm to the words that kept the flow going so well...it was really fun to read.

Great piece!

-Oz

[desertsky]

The structure is fine, except I'd like the first stanza to be two, like the last two. I love the word vincible! No one ever uses it, but it's so fitting here. Yes to punctuation, too. Wherever you think it's needed. Punctuation and capitals, e e cummings notwithstanding, are the guide we readers use to help us find meaning. A comma or a period can totally change the meaning of a line or phrase. I like the imagery of the first 3 lines, and wouldn't change those at all.

It could work with a little different structure, as well, but this one is fine.