Perfection is the real killer, here.

A strive for perfection we cannot reach,

Society, this is what you preach.

Teens clinging to numbers, knives and suicides

To cope with the pressure you put on us,

We are done.
  

Using pain to cope with pain there is nothing we gain,

A 7 letter word we cannot reach,

Does 'perfect' have a definition or is it just a figure or speech?

"Being without fault or defect" must we all be so "perfect"

Can we not be unique?

Society, you never give us a chance to speak.

 

Your expectations, they’re not realistic,

 I’m sorry if we don’t get an ‘A’ in your rubric,

 and every day, up goes those statistics,

 just one more girl forcing herself to be ‘anorexic

 

You shape us into lines so straight a ruler would be jealous,

 let me ask you, how do you feel about this?

 

You mold and manipulate the minds of girls so impressionable; they’re like play-doh.

 

You want me to sit down?

No, we have rights!

I’m speaking up for all those girls who go home and cry every night.

 

You make us feel like we’re just never good enough,

You know what, girls?

We can rise above.

 

 

 

Author's Note

** EDITED VERSION: I changed the last verse... tell me what you think of this piece now please!**

please review!!! Any comments on how to improve would be greatly appreciated!!
NOTE: it is more of a spoken word type thing.. it sounds better heard than read, keep that in mind.

Reviews

[Penulis Kecil]

Hey Jess, I'm going to be really blunt today because I just don't have enough concentration to add all the little extra comments I'd normally include, okay? I'd leave it and come back to it, but I know I'd forget. Please bear in mind I'm not intending to be harsh (if I didn't think that there's real potential, I'd not bother with it at all)!

First off, get rid of the capitalisations on words -- you can use formatting to design where your emphasis should lie, and in terms of its use as a spoken piece, your emphasis should flow naturally anyway.

The grammar in the first stanza doesn't quite sit right for me, but it could be just personal opinion. It's probably not helped that you jump between considering yourself one of the teenagers and considering yourself separate -- stick to "we" or to "they". Maybe some sort of sentence splitter between "To cope with the pressure put on them" and "we're done" would help, too?

The last paragraph is a bit confusing, too- for a start, the imagery of tears when the cops knock doesn't really fit because the idea of that scenario is generally that it's the first knowledge you have of the death. I think you need to either make it clearer she's not at home and someone other than family is making the 911 call, or choose between the call and the door knocking.