truth is becoing plain

the alcoholism of sin

My alcoholism is only a sign, and the proof of my love of and love for the world, which I in my drunkenness and madness - insanity - gave caused to turn against me. It is sure evidence of my real and true sin: love of the world place before my love of God and the Lord Jesus Christ. I have done this to myself and it has been my will and my life, I have sinned. What good do I receive or what gain have I from recovery if I continue to sin? Sin was before the beginning of my alcoholism, and my very own personal sins fertilized it and gave it growth. What is my recovery from alcoholism if I have no recovery from sin? What good is it to me if I should regain the world and still lose my immortal soul, if I have not the Love of God?

Actually, my abuse of alcohol was the lesser of all my many evils, though grievous for sure, it - alcohol - is a thing outside of me. I must pick up the glass of alcohol and pour it down my throat. Alcohol does not come and find me or go out to the store and buy me. I seek out after it, find it, I buy it, and, I am the one who pours it in a glass, drinks too much of it, to often, and for to many days and years, first impulsively, then compulsively, and eventually addictively.

But it is my issue with sin: godlessness, pride, fear, an over inflated ego, selfishness, self-centeredness, self-righteousness and self-pity, my cankerous resentments, lingering dishonesty, and sexual fornication, these are the very catalyst that truly formed, solidified and deceptively led to my alcoholic nature. These gave life to the sinful attitude and behavior that lies within my “self-inflicted” disease of alcoholism, which speaks of sin and the “life of sin” within me. Alcoholism is just another of the many symptoms that stem from spiritual disease - a physical, mental, social and soul illness, and as such, it is outside of human will and ability to recover wholly from it, as is the primary cause of it - the “disease of sin“. Only God can remove the disease of sin - completely. As a selfish and godless man and too being found an alcoholic, I am a willful sinner. For the innate defects of and from sin, of which - now - my alcoholism, though the alcohol itself be a thing outside of me, be only one of so very many, and all theses live and fester and have their grow within me, a spirit-being, that is now being and having temporary physical form. And it is my heart’s imputable desire: my motive, my will and my action, my whole animate and manifested life based in an ignorance of “original” sin, life based in my agreement and unity with sin - as seen by my own personal sins, and it is these motives based in my life lived in contempt and rebellion toward God, people, and anything unfamiliar to my self-will and standard of doing, these betray my innocence of evil. I am spiritually sick, and that from my youth.

There maybe plausible underlying reasons why, as a child, I became so spiritually sickened. But these truths, long past, unclear and quite possibly now perverted by all my heavy drinking, these excuses that are now mostly imagined realism, or made up resentments justified in my present angry and hostile state of mind, or even real and true issues out of my youth never dealt with maturely or clinically, are not why I am drinking alcoholically today, or why I am now so much more than ever before spiritually sick, that I should want to kill myself today by drinking too much alcohol, too much poison. For in truth alcohol is poisonous to the body. And as an adult, an educated and supposedly rational man and, now, by the Grace of God, possessing knowledge of my disease(s) - I know the facts of sin, alcohol and alcoholism and I aught to refrain from foolishly trying to kill myself.

But since the world I loved, from which I sought my esteemed, and of which I wanted acceptance, since it has rejected me because of my sickness, because of my alcoholism, I am alone and abandoned to myself, to my enemies - right, good, and spiritual principles. And my so called friend, my fare and bad weather friend, alcohol - actually it was “janky” at best in the light of truth - can no longer cover for my godlessness, my sin and perverted ego, for my rebellion against the Lord God Almighty.

If I would be well and useful today in my life, the whole entire “life of sin” in my being must be removed, not just the drinking and drugging part, but all of sin that separate me from my full rights of relationship, of kinship, of love, and of life, within my God, my Father, my Creator. The underlying mountain of sin which is truly my “beginning” and “original” problem must be rigorously and honestly faced and dealt with. And my slavery to drugs and idols - things outside me - must be forsaken. Together these absolutely keep me separated from God. When, by God Grace, I have become willing to work on their removal then can I have a true and right personal, fulfilling conscious contact with Him, which is then realized in my manifested faith: belief, obedience, trust, and service, true discipleship in the Lord Jesus Christ, and I am apt to be called a Christian. And it is in response to doing these things that my relationship of love with my fellows is set aright, being renewed by the Holy Spirit. All thing are possible in God‘s Perfect Love, Forgiveness and Justice. And, yes, then I know…, God is everything!