Who should I be?

Growing up I never knew what I wanted to be. Who I wanted to become. I used to dream about being the kindest and sweetest woman on earth. As I soon realized, that was not easy. Being kind should come from your heart, not be a burden you have to carry around everywhere you go. I would do anything that was asked of me, and I did my best to never disappoint anyone. I never stood up for myself, and by being what everyone wanted me to be I lost myself. I had no opinions of my own, and denied most of my feelings. My life revolved around never saying no. People used me for everything they were too lazy to do themselves, such as throwing away their chocolate paper and getting them something to drink. For a period of my life I felt like an unpaid waitress. I did my best to never hurt anyone, and I thought that meant that I had to agree with everything they meant and felt. I started to give in every time an argument started to rise. I had become no one. A push-over.

The goal I had set for myself was too much, and it made me blind. Losing yourself, no matter the cause, will never be a good thing. I started to feel like my goal was impossible, I did not know how to be kind and true to myself at the same time. As I realized this I started to rebel against my dream. I was so afraid to fail, therefore I decided to surrender, to give up. If I gave up I did not fail, I chose not to succeed. I started to stand up for what I believed was right, and for myself. Oddly enough, when I was at my darkest, I was at my kindest. I started to see the one, instead of trying to please everyone. I no longer cared about what other people would think of me, and that changed me. I realized that there was happiness to be found, and I found it. I found happiness in helping people, seeing them when no one else did, and accepting them for who they were.

When everything in my own life was a mess, I found comfort in helping someone else and letting them lean on me. I knew what it was like to need someone without knowing who to turn to. I knew what it was like to have no one, and therefore I decided to be that someone. To be that person that would see the pain in your eyes and help you through it even though you never dared to ask, made me a better person. I tried to be the best person I could for you, and it did not matter whether or not you knew what it meant for me. I used to love staying up late at night and write kind and loving words to you. I enjoyed everything I could do to make your life better and easier, but the sad truth is that I never did it for you. I did it for me. To escape my own life, my own thoughts and feelings.

You see, I no longer tried to be the kindest person in the world. I tried to be someone that could have an impact in one person’s life, in order to escape my own life. I never lost myself again, but I did put my soul in a box and hid it in a closet, because I was afraid to deal with my own problems. I started to realize that in order to be kind to people around me, it was essential that I was kind to myself. In order to be kind to myself, I had to be myself. I still don’t know what I want to be, but I do know who I want to be. Me. 

Reviews

[William Liston]

I loved the message in this piece. Often times we try too hard to please everyone, and as a result, we are never happy. With everyone being so different, it's impossible to make everyone happy, so sometimes, we have to be a little selfish and think about ourselves. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm pretty sure many people (such as myself) can relate to it.

-William Liston

[Another brick in the wall]

Thank you William! I think it is important to stay true to ourselves. That is the only way to find true happiness.

[West Lake Angel]

I can relate to some of this. For me, it's just wanting to keep the peace. I don't want to argue with anyone, but I've learned over the years that sometimes it is worth it to share my opinion. I had a boyfriend several years ago who finally got upset with me and said he wanted to know what I thought. I was shocked that anyone would actually care about my opinion! Thank you for sharing your story.

[Another brick in the wall]

Happy you liked it! Your opinion matters in everything.