Dreary

A piece of writing from my story. I love gloomy poems

It's always dark and dreary

inside your little head

thunderstorms and heartbreak

lead you to your bed

You're fragile and you're hopeless

you don't want any help

you push everyone away

as they open up their mouth

Curl up to the horror

trapped inside your little head

you sleep away your problems

you're swimming in your dread

You're never gonna heal

keeping venom in the wound

if you don't let the tears out

you're crawling to your tomb

Reviews

[bookworm0812]

This came across very well. As I said in a comment below somewhere, it had enough dreary talk to come across as dreary, but not so much as to make a reader depressed, which would be a bit of a turnoff indeed.

Your talent continues.

[Lexi Richard]

Thank you!

[Glen Yumang Manese]

I feel as a reader of this verse... there needs to be more to this dreariness... seems the impact lacks a bit... not convince enough for effectiveness... can I suggest a make-over:

It's always dark and dreary
inside your little head
thunderstorms and heartbreak
lead you to your bed
You're fragile and you're hopeless
you don't want any help
you push everyone away
as they open up their mouth
Curl up to the horror
trapped inside your little head
you sleep away your problems
you're swimming in your dread
You're never gonna heal
keeping venom in the wound
if you don't let the tears out
you're crawling to your tomb
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dark and dreary inside your scarcely head
Thunderstorms and heartbreak lead you to bed
Fragile and hopeless do not want any help
Push everyone away
When they open up their mouth
Curl up to the horror
Trapped inside your trifling head
Sleep away the problems
Swimming in the dread
Never going to heal
Keeping venom in the wound
If you don't let the tears out
Crawling to your tomb

Just a change in wording and editing can give this piece a lift... every so slightly... and the profoundness to the reader...

[Lexi Richard]

Thank you for you suggestion, I'll definitely look into tweaking this.

[bookworm0812]

I have to disagree. I think that it had just enough dreariness to come across as dreary, but not depress the reader.

[Lexi Richard]

Thank you! This was actually written from the perspective of a nine year old, so I didn't want to overdo it and make it unrealistic.

[bookworm0812]

Well then it is most definitely perfect as is!

[Lexi Richard]

Thank you!

[Inspiring Writer]

This write contained a bit Rhyme too, liked this one too as i did the earlier one. You're writing/making what a nice pieces. I think i should have to read your some more writes before i log out.. lol... This write's again very beautiful and middle part of this write's great and nicely penned. You've again written from your heart, think from your mind/head (that's converted by your long hairs as you did mentioned in earlier write that ya got long hairs), thoughts converted into great words so i Adore this and appreciate your this write too. The idea came from the life but mused from your Red Lips (that's as Rose as you did mentioned in earlier one...) lol and written by your white and soft hands :)

Overall rating goes of 100 marks, you've earned this!

[Lexi Richard]

Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it:) I hope you enjoy my other poems if you choose to read them too!

[Inspiring Writer]

Your welcome!
And yeh, of course.. dear Lexi, why not.. :) i'd love to read them all and i'll prefer youse one first to read :)

[revalatia]

sick! ...this is a well writeen little piece :)

[Lexi Richard]

Thank you! Glad you liked it:)

[Just Kim]

I love it, Such an amazing deep write

[Lexi Richard]

Thank you!