Far Away Within

Far away within; a poem within a poem.

When my thoughts are drifting (Love is never ending,
like the waves out to sea,) and you will never know
I find myself yearning (the warmth of dancing flames
for the one I left behind.) from time's immortal fire.
Forgotten memories (Bound to you forever,
always bring you to me;) I never let you go.
and I see you again, (Like the sun's sacred glow,
though time would make me blind.) I burn with sweet desire.

Do not tempt a temptress, (I dream in shades of night,
who cannot live a lie.) as I hold back the tears,
Light wins over darkness, (remembering your touch
though we hunger for sin.) that set my soul aflame.
The world keeps revolving. (But you will never know
Blue azure paints the sky;) the haunting of the years,
and I burn for your touch (nor the sheltering wall
when far away within.) that was built in your name.

Never to love again, (So how can I forget
lonely but not alone,) the times I walked on air,
I am lingering yet (the love that gave me wings,
with endless devotion.) the joy of skin on skin?
I walk in the shadows (I am yours forever,
I've learned to call my own,) be it cruel or fair.
and I embrace the pain (I live in loving you
that comes with emotion.) so far away within.

Reviews

[Abdul Aziz]

First, I'll really have to applaud you for the structure! This is really deep. There are layers upon layers, upon layers. Truly mindboggling.
The first thing I noticed was the unique rhyme scheme without separating the sentences in parantheses from the sentences outside them. The second and sixth lines, and the fourth and eighth lines of each stanza rhyme. Then, separating them, the rhyme scheme becomes tighter, and closer. If I consider both poems to be a series of quatrains, the rhyme scheme becomes abab. From a technical standpoint, this is great! I've never ever thought of writing something like this. The meter, though a tad inconsistent at places, lends a fluidity to the poem rarely seen nowadays.
I do not know what this poem within a poem symbolizes. To me, it seems to be a conversation with the soul. We rarely are at peace with ourselves. I think this is a soul reaching out to itself. It also looks like words said over the backdrop of more words. By two different people. The sentences in parantheses, though not negating the sentences written before them, offer some point of counter thought, I guess. It is not obvious, but I somehow feel there is some sort of such connection. I am really curious about this. Could you please explain?
I find myself disagreeing with Dinesh (sorry mate). The collision of these two poems has indeed resulted in another work of art.
Your poems truly are amazing. You are extremely talented. I definitely stand to learn a lot from you!
100/100

[Ruth]

I like the way this is structured hon
A really powerful write!
Excellent metaphors abound with a flow that has several parts to it:)
The essence of emotion infused with life, the beauty and the pain, wonderful write!
xx

[Dinesh Sairam]

I so have to accept with Mark. They are two perfect poems blend together to form a not-so-perfect poem. I'll comment on them separately. The poem out of the brackets is quite short, and I can't actually guess what format you used. But the meaning of it is quite intriguing. Loved the phrase "The time I walked on air" :)

Now, the one inside brackets is a tad better than the one outside. I see it's ABAB and one whose rhyming is almost perfect. "So how can I forget lonely but not alone" is grammatically not right (Maybe you forgot a comma between forget and lonely?). "I live in loving you that comes with emotion" is not quite poetic, but nice though.

Kudos.

Keep writing.

[SamBug]

This was super good! It was a powerful piece and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you so much for sharing!!!!

[Mark]

Help me to understand what's happening here, Linda...I took the parentheticals on a hunch, and read them as a separate poem, with their own rhyme scheme, and the non-parenthesized likewise, and each is a good poem in its own right, but when I read them together, they don't seem to mesh well! What am I missing? Is this like a conversation between two protagonists who aren't listening to each other? Mark