Chapter 23

An hour later, Melody has to leave for work. She promises that she’ll tell me more about her when she gets home, and I’m welcome to stay until then. In fact, I’m more than welcome. Melody told me if I left she’d “track me down and drag me back, kicking and screaming.”

I open my suitcase, and pull my iPod out of it, happy that Natalie forced me to pack it. Music has always been a big part of my life. When things were bad at my old house �" like when Mom was drunk and brought a guy home, or when she was just yelling around the house for no reason, expecting someone to answer her and fix all of her problems �" I would turn music on, and I would be able to get myself through. It wasn’t as bad �" or as hard �" as Natalie tried to make it out to be. I was fine.

These thoughts fade as I press play on a song by my favorite band, Safety Suit.

What if it makes you sad at me?

I can picture Jason sitting on my bed when Natalie tells him that I’m gone. That I’m not coming back.

What if it makes you laugh now, but you cry as you fall asleep?

I can see him playing it off as a joke, hiding behind the wall he built, like he always does.

And what if it takes your breath, and you can’t hardly breathe…

When Jason realizes I’m not there, I’m not there for him like I said I would be, it will stun him. I can picture his mouth dropping open once he’s alone. I can picture his feelings, I can imagine him feeling smothered. His world is crushing around him. He trusted me.

What if it makes the last sound be the very best sound? What if what I want makes you sad at me?

I can see him replaying the last time he saw me. The last time he heard me. Would those be the things he remembers? Would those be the things that he cherishes until he begins to resent me? Until he begins to hate me?

And is it all my fault? Or can I fix it please? Cause you know that I’m always all for you…cause you know that I’m always all for you…

Would Jason ever realize that this was all for him? Would David ever tell him? Or would he just hate me for the rest of his life?

And what if it makes you lose faith in me? What if it makes you question every moment you cannot see?

Would Jason think that I’d betrayed him? Would he think I’d tricked him the whole time? That it was all a joke?

And what if it makes you crash and you can’t find the key? What if it makes you ask how you could let it all go…

Would he blame himself? Would he think he could’ve done something? What would he do about David? Would he go to him for comfort?

The chorus replays and I let my eyes close as I lean back against the couch. I’ve been up all night, out all morning, and I’m exhausted.

And if this be… our last conversation, and if this be… the last time that we speak for a while…

When would I talk to Jason again? Would I ever? Is this really it for us?

Don’t lose hope.

I can’t believe that I’m never seeing him again. Something will happen. I’ll be able to see him again. I know I will.

And don’t let go.

Will Jason hold on the way I will? Is he going to fight for me, or is he just going to let me go?

‘Cause you should know… if it makes you sad… if it makes you sad at me, then it’s all my fault and let me fix it please.

I will fix this. I will find a way to fix this. I will see Jason again. I will see Katy, Jason, even Natalie and Jordan again. I know I will.

The final lyrics are sung and the chords fade out, and my consciousness goes with them.