Dizzy

Just another day

Steaming, unsettling senses surround my soul.

This Jealousy entangles me judging unjustly.

I'm obsessively obliged over honrable human beings.

Why am i the opposite?

Banish blasted bandits of benevloence.

Balance Brain and Heart before its too late.

Depression diverts this.

Choice conquers compliance but cowardly me chances it

like a game of poker where I foolishly give

up my cards relying only on a stroke of luck.

losing everything... as if  really care.

instead i choose to trust the skilled players.

Its like that, the way I act in life, hopeless beyond belief;

Like walking aimlessly down the path of purpose, yet stumbling stupidly along the way.

A part of me is Maddness; not caring who is hurt because I'm hurt, but

then the true part of me, she rarely comes out, shudders at the display:

 

Chaotic changes charge full speed

Energetically, escalating, enticing my cells.

soon enough, sense lost,

leads action

Lavishly drawn to frantic choices.

I'm numb.

 

 

 

Author's Note

tell me what you really think.. any errors or just your opinion. :) i'm all ears. or eyes.

Reviews

[Dawn Jones]

This is an amazing expression of yer vocabulary.
I honestly think this is amazing... took me a minute to actually get inta it, because of the hour and the psych paper and the crazy in my own head... so I re-read like 1 a couple times. I think I can really relate ta this. I love it. You have a good visual going with an amazing array of language.

I'll probably re-read it tomorrow for the sake of my grey matter.

[200STM]

A very good piece from a very good writer

[Apple]

I like this alot! :)

[Vyctm]

Wow... your vocabulary is large. I really liked this poem, plot and all. You have a lot of skill in writing. I can't wait to see some of your later writings.

[An owl on the moon]

Life is such a game at times. Yes. And you write the rules so well. The madness of it all coming to strokes of luck and chance. Loved the wisdom of this line: "I choose to trust the skilled players.." Excellent.

[Liza]

such intensity and power in this write!
you have a fierce way with composing words
you go girl!
this expression is far from numb; it jumps and ignites recognition!

[scatterbrain]

*insert sex joke that makes you laugh*

[scatterbrain]

my warning: i am brutally honest when I critique. i'm not going to review, i'm going to critique. reviewing is for buttheads who are too lazy to spend a few minutes diving into a good poem (or story).

okay. i'm going to question everything that, in my mind, needs questioning. that's where I can become brutally honest. but for the most part, i'll make sex jokes and tell you what you're doing right ;)

"Steaming, sizzleing (sizzling) senses surround my soul."
blahhhh. this doesn't really bring me into the story, just because it's so... difficult. how can senses steam and sizzle? your sight and hearing sizzle? steam? if it's not the human senses that you mean, then there is definitely a better word here. sensation is the first word that comes to my mind. and "steaming, sizzling" really doesn't describe what those sensations are. how about:
Raw, unbridled sensations excite my soul.

"This Jealousy jumps me judging unjustly."
"jumps me judging unjustly" makes no sense :( i keep repeating it in my mind and hoping that it'll ring a bell in my mind. the best I can make of this is 'jump' to mean 'cause'. in which:
This Jealousy compels me to judge unjustly.

"I'm obsessively obliged over honest honrables."
'Honorable' is an adjective, thus cannot be used as plural (honorables). I don't think anyone can be "obsessively obliged" since one becomes obliged by an external force, not internal (which is where obsessions exist).
I'm obsessively coerced into honest mistakes. (maybe?) I'm not sure WHAT you mean with this side, and all of this alliteration isn't hitting the effect I think you want. because you're using your vocabulary incorrectly, it makes the alliteration a mess.

"Why am i the opposite?"
beautiful question. i love this. set the following lines off, start a new paragraph after this question. sets suspense and mood :)

"Banish blasted bandits of benevolence, by balancing Brain and Heart before I break down."
don't capitalize Brain and Heart... takes the focus of this line off that beginning.
Banish those blasted bandits, who balance my brain and heart like time and space.
eh? just giving suggestions :)

"Choice conquers control but cowardly me chances it."
as much as I love "choice conquers control" it is one of the worst contradictions i've seen :( choice IS control. free will is control. destiny (no choice) conquers control.
Choice chooses to control because a coward cannot chance it.
take yourself (the I) out of the poem. i'd love it much better if it were more of a straight-forward monologue kinda thing.

"Now life seems like a game of poker where I foolishly give up my cards relying only on a stroke of luck."
i say; delete this. kills the flow and doesn't really groove well with the rest of your poem.

"I'm an uskilled player but I just don't seem to care trying to trust the skilled players."
this too.

gonna throw my edits into this:
"Its like that, the way I act in life, hopeless beyond (any) belief(;)
(l)ike walking aimlessly (through a garden), yet (finding wonders) along the way."
I'd really like to see some sort of positivity somewhere... I don't think people take to darkness and sadness like they used to. maybe high school students do, but I don't see them controlling the reins of the world ;)

"A part of me is Madness(;) not caring (what is said or who is hurt), but then the true part of me, (she) rarely comes out, shudders at (her own words):"
^ I like that ;)

okay, one line at a time:
Chaotic changes charge at me.
Chaotic and changes imply the same meaning, cut one of those words. I'd say dig deeper and get out of this "me, me, me" drift:
Changes occur, and things fall apart.

Energetically, escalating(;) enticing my cells.
I like this :)

(S)oon enough, sense(s) lost,
Another great line

only leaving action
meh. not feeling this at all.

Lavishly drawn to frantic choices.
I'm numb.

and a pretty good end. you have an amazing vocabulary as Dawn said, but you're really not applying it correctly :( but that's only the tricks of being a novice. sooner or later you'll be able to string together words and really get the ball rolling. I hope you keep writing because you've really got the mind for it. If only you could focus more on one theme (and less on the voice of the poem; the me, me, me): madness. or jealousy. or those sensations of the soul (which you've completely ignored).

another thing about poetry: I really dislike poems that start at one place and end at another. I sometimes dabble in poetry and really try to connect every line to the next one; and I ALWAYS try to connect the beginning line to the final lines. It brings the poem into a full arc, and the reader actually feels they have SOMETHING, rather than a bunch of nothings. not saying this is nothing, but it's on the verge of being too many things at once; thus becoming nothing.

I enjoyed it a lot :) keep writing, please! good luck lady friend! I'll give you a rating when you get your final draft up.

[DamienHino]

I liked it alot, all your feelings are mentioned beautifully.