Once what I thought

I am afraid. I don't want my old self back. I'm trying to change myself in order to not go to the old ways. So I don't get back to cutting and drinking every day and popping pills. I kind a started to work out cuz I need something to get my mind of everything that happened and is happening.  But I can feel it from inside, the old me is trying to get out again. It's creeping out, I'm trying my best to keep it inside, to keep it locked as deep as I can. I don't want it to win. Cuz I know that if it gets out, I'll be a 1000 time worst then I was then. And it scares the f**k out off me. I just need it to get this out. I know i have a long road a head of me to go trough before I can say with 100 % confidence that it's behind me. I know I mustn't give up. I have to fight. That's the only way to win this.