Derealization,

A Story by marah

I am f*****g lost in this world, writing may be the last thing to cure me.

Derealization, failure to acknowledge, the symptoms of which mental disturbance foreshadows the truth. Derealization, the piece in which engulfs me whole, realism and authenticity no longer exist. I cannot fathom the truth nor why my life had such downsides, I cannot express why my refusal to expose myself to reality is my biggest fear, and I will not tell you why I dont ever talk about my dead dad; I will not because I simply can not. I can remember him, every crease of his face; small eyes, big lips, and side-ways smile. I can remember his rhythmic sounds of snoring and his occasional drool that grossed me out. His nasty kisses on my forehead and big embraces when I left with the "I love you". I remember being told to not want to grow up and hold onto my youth. But, the day he left, I became an adult to mentally fend for myself. I have never had a mother when it comes to mental reasons, only a dad, and now I had to learn to completely heal my own. I had to learn to wipe my own tears and bandaged my wounds upon my soul; not knee. I had to tell my own self whats right from wrong and even what consist of the in between. I had to tell myself "you know you are beautiful right" or else I wouldn't be; be beautiful that is. I had to be the one who loved myself and told myself do not mess with boys. I had to be my parent and be myself to continue being me, continue being my dads guidance. I dont talk to you dad and I am sorry, I dont bring you up dad and I am sorry, I dont think about you dad and I am so so sorry. But, I cannot bare to know I am alone and I am sorry and I am sorry I am so alone and so ashamed and so afraid and so lost and so untrained to be my dad and be kid and be a teen and be okay. I am so sick and so unalarmed with my actions that I simply am on the verge of the forgotten of trying to erase you for the sake that I cannot miss you for the sake that I cannot lose you, if you were not you. But, you were and I do miss you and I do love you, more than myself, and more than my life. But, I cannot put to words what I am doing without you.