Two years without you

Two years without you

A Poem by marah

I miss you dad

Everything is so different, who am I? where am I?
but more importantly, you still have not come back-
you're not always on my mind anymore, on my mind ever actually
 It's too hard - to think about you really being gone, forever
so I had forced myself to forget you- forget I ever had a dad
I'm sorry.

I told myself I would never do this
Ignore reality and live a life of lies
but its the best I can do
be oblivious to what hurts me most
you not here, you being dead
 but dad, I am sorry

I am also sorry for the person I now am, I know its a disappointment
I am so different; I am not strong, I am weak
I am
desperate for the love 
I am
feening to be wanted
I am
dying to  belong somewhere
because all I want is to feel at home- be at peace.

I lost that sense of security and hope the moment you vanished before my eyes
and now I am soul searching everywhere but the right place to find it again
in boys who don't care about me
in friends who don't deserve me
and even in my mother who well,  doesn't love me
but all I want is someone like you
someone who not only appreciates me
but makes me feel like me again and not so different

Its a waste though
I never feel fulfilled or complete
If anything, I am empty
I've said this a million times before, I bet you are annoyed to hear this but,
"I am drained" and "I'm tired."
but in reality
I'm just different
and that's just life
life without you
Im sorry.

the first year was hard; you were this constant thought in my mind and a reminder of fucked up death is.
Where is my dad? Where did he go? 
God, I wish he could come back
and now I am so focused on where I have gone, how I'm so different, and why I changed that I forgot how you're no longer here
I'm sorry

It's not that I don't miss you
I miss you more than life itself
Its the fact that me missing you, make me lose myself more and more
and I'm starting to feel more distant from myself than I am to you
ironic because you're the only dead person in this situation, not me
but I feel more gone than you are
because you left with a reason, death and an illness
and now I'm living without one
a reason to continue to care
a purpose of why I feel so broken 
it can't be because "my dad is dead." anymore, that was me the first year
its because after you died, I never recovered
I never found love again
and this is me the second year, a new person
and unfortunately, I am afraid. 

© 2018 marah

Author's Note

im putting this into the universe. will revise later

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Added on November 22, 2018
Last Updated on December 9, 2018
Tags: death dad miss love




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