Two years without you

I miss you dad

Everything is so different, who am I? where am I?

but more importantly, you still have not come back-

you're not always on my mind anymore, on my mind ever actually

 It's too hard - to think about you really being gone, forever

so I had forced myself to forget you- forget I ever had a dad

I'm sorry.

I told myself I would never do this

Ignore reality and live a life of lies

but its the best I can do

be oblivious to what hurts me most

you not here, you being dead

 but dad, I am sorry

I am also sorry for the person I now am, I know its a disappointment

I am so different; I am not strong, I am weak

I am

desperate for the love 

I am

feening to be wanted

I am

dying to  belong somewhere

because all I want is to feel at home- be at peace.

I lost that sense of security and hope the moment you vanished before my eyes

and now I am soul searching everywhere but the right place to find it again

in boys who don't care about me

in friends who don't deserve me

and even in my mother who well,  doesn't love me

but all I want is someone like you

someone who not only appreciates me

but makes me feel like me again and not so different

Its a waste though

I never feel fulfilled or complete

If anything, I am empty

I've said this a million times before, I bet you are annoyed to hear this but,

"I am drained" and "I'm tired."

but in reality

I'm just different

and that's just life

life without you

Im sorry.

the first year was hard; you were this constant thought in my mind and a reminder of fucked up death is.

Where is my dad? Where did he go? 

God, I wish he could come back

and now I am so focused on where I have gone, how I'm so different, and why I changed that I forgot how you're no longer here

I'm sorry

It's not that I don't miss you

I miss you more than life itself

Its the fact that me missing you, make me lose myself more and more

and I'm starting to feel more distant from myself than I am to you

ironic because you're the only dead person in this situation, not me

but I feel more gone than you are

because you left with a reason, death and an illness

and now I'm living without one

a reason to continue to care

a purpose of why I feel so broken 

it can't be because "my dad is dead." anymore, that was me the first year

its because after you died, I never recovered

I never found love again

and this is me the second year, a new person

unrecognizable

lonely

and unfortunately, I am afraid. 

Author's Note

im putting this into the universe. will revise later