Long Story Short

tldr;

Through autosuggestion, from ages fifteen to twenty, I believed I was transgender. My years, when I was supposed to be socially maturing into a woman, were spent maturing as a supposed man or a nothing. I was a very impressionable, tomboyish child, and I looked for a group that I could relate to and call home. But being trans was a heart-wrenching five years, full of unnecessary fear and anger. I longed for inclusion and to truly feel as if I were accepted,  to find a mental place to reside, but I didn't want to have to change myself to fit in. I did not want to be just strung along because people felt like they had to be nice. Before I was trans, I used my tomboyishness as an excuse for my exclusion rather than my quiet nature. Subconsciously, I did not accept myself and feared anyone's outward distaste for me. Consciously, I just wanted to be liked.

I had quite a few mental gender changes. Even though they were all through the span of five years, I was so unsure about what the perfect label for myself was. Admittedly, it is less changes than some other people go through, but in retrospect it is still a lot. The labels I placed on myself throughout time were:

(Cisgender) girl -> Questioning -> Androgynous/drag king -> Transboy -> Agender -> Transmasculine -> Bigender (boy + agender specifically) -> Agender transmasculine -> No label at all -> Current day, cis girl

For a while I rejected any feminine genders for myself. I thought female pronouns were beautiful, but I thought they were unfitting for me. For the point that I did not want a gender label at all, I did not even want to call myself agender. I did not want to admit any gender was correct for me in fear of being so gravely wrong again. I was aware that my mind has been conditioned so much that I did not want to be definitive on a gender anymore, even if the answer was simple. From the help of asking people's opinions online about what I was going through, it sounds like I did not want to embody a person. I would rather be seen for who I am on the inside rather than the outside. In a society that is so embedded in gendering everything, I just wanted to like what I liked and not be questioned or ridiculed for it. Now that I've gotten past my transgender phase, I've been trying to do just that without worrying so much about what other people think of me, and it's great. I'm only regretful that I didn't realize it sooner, it would have saved me so much internal pain.

Reviews

[Carol Cashes]

That's a shame that you spent five years that should have been spent partying, getting into a little trouble, experimenting and having fun. Damn. I think that society is slowly (like snail slow!) beginning to understand that I can be bold and like gold prospecting, and the more primitive the camping the better and tomorrow be a total shoe w***e! A person is made up of so many things - experiences, people met, and even inherent likes and dislikes. I hate pink. I love black lace with leather boots. I hate classic pumps and Chanel suits, and spike heels...I love flowy, swirly skirts and chunky wedges. I like long hair...I hate taking care of it! These are small and inconsequential aspects of what is my "whole" and all of it is 100% Carol. Marvelously contrary but judgmental and opinionated about good manners - I insist on them. I think that I was fortunate to have had my childhood (absolutely normal and completely uneventful) during the era I did, and that being "normal" was not cool in the '70's so being any way you were was more acceptable in my peer group. And I think the age of so-called "awareness" that you endured did more damage to more than just you, sweetie. And that's heartbreaking. Some never recover or become anything resembling "happy". I am going to continue to read...

[Macciola]

You are absolutely right in all that! And I agree that the "awareness age" did do damage to more than just me, which I address in a later chapter :) I'm glad to say that even though it took a little bit to become comfortable with myself again, I was able to do it. Now my only regret is having that happen in the first place.