Adulthood/Post-Trans (Ages 20+)

Once I made the decision to change back, I think I became naturally more feminine. My voice got softer after coming out again and I tried less to sound so poignant. My voice cracked some before I transitioned, but there was never a worse time in my life for voice cracking and throat clearing than the transition period itself. I tried to slightly deepen my voice that would have been enough to be believable, but the cracks ruined me every time. For clothes, I developed such a cutesy and specific feminine style that had to be there from before I identified as a boy. Either that, or I developed it while allowing my "boy self" to like certain feminine things but not wear them. I finally allowed myself to like girl clothes and it seemed to be a sudden and apparent change. It was the discovery of a girly style that I actually liked for the first time in my life, and I'd be willing to wear it because I felt it had the chance to fit how my personality could be. I never notice it for myself, but sometimes my boyfriend tells me I get admirations from both sexes on the street. I get so happy that strangers are accepting of me, and I find that strange and surprising, but I must conclude it is because I've never gotten that before recently. It reminds me of a dream I had once during the very beginning stages of my transition, which was basically a subliminal fantasy of being romantically fawned over by girls who used my preferred pronoun. One time I met one of Chris' friends, Rachel, at a thrift shop doubling as a vinyl store. When it was time to go, she asked, "Can I add you as a Facebook friend? I don't have many girl friends." It was such a confidence boost for someone coming out of that experience, even if she didn't think much of it or even knew how much it would mean to me.

Sometimes the small talk on the street from random guys made me gain confidence in my attractiveness, and let me know that what I was doing to look more feminine was good. Mostly though, I am just trying to mind my business and do my job while they start up a conversation out of no where. During a couple of my dog walks, I had to explain to some creepy old men that asked me to walk them, that I only walk dogs. One laughed, treating it like it's nothing while I made my getaway. Even if that's a joke it's weird, and why would you ask a complete stranger that? It is also an unfair advantage because as much as I wanted to be rude to him, I couldn't because I was on the job and people could see where I worked. Another time that I was a dog walker, I had a doorman named Freddie who frequently called me unsolicited pet names like love…said by an American man in America. The society is not accustomed to this, so of course I found it weird. We once both had a day off from a holiday coming up, so this man I only met a few times asks, "Where we goin'?" I hope it is obvious that I don't have to say why I was uncomfortable around him as a woman.

I was asked directly out once by a very polite and respectful man. Even though I was taken, he respected that I was not interested and did not pursue. He even told me to praise my boyfriend for getting such a pretty girl. It made me feel really nice for the rest of the day, and I was glad I met that gentleman. That would have made me feel horrible when I was trans. I would have put everything positive aside and just focused on "he thinks I'm a girl." On the other hand, I have to actively avoid another man who directly asked me out because he seems to be at one of my destinations at the most convenient time and he seems to keep trying after I rejected. He was an older man named D'evon, probably in his late 30's if I'm being generous. He gave me pep talks at first about how I'll get a job that I enjoy, after having noticed that I was visibly depressed on the walk. He would seem interested in my future, give advice, and be caring about emotions regarding my work. During probably the fourth time we met, he outright said I was pretty and asked me out. I rejected and realized he didn't want a mentee, or a friend, and was probably just saying all that stuff to get close to me and make a move. I have been avoiding one of my dog's houses every day at around lunch time because he always sits on the stoop. Meanwhile, I wouldn't hide if I saw the first man again. I would not feel the need to avoid someone who actually respects when someone turns them down.

A negative aspect of being trans was having to hide myself from everyone. Whether I was a girl, boy, or anything, I was always hiding something from someone�" most commonly what my sex characteristics were, but also interests. With inner feelings, I either denied to others and myself that I liked girly things, or I just truly didn't feel the interest there at all. But if I was hiding something from myself, I always made sure to ask myself if I did actually like it but didn't want to admit it. I always tried to get my true feelings out and try to accommodate them, but I never noticed many girly interests there at the time. My mind may have subconsciously blocked out feminine interests during the phase. I did not do that as a child, but I always had a cuteness standard which could play into my interests. What some people would find cute, like certain clothes or animals, I did not think the same and would resent people for having such low standards. I was like this since before my transition, so I know I was not "faking" it for myself.

I must have subconsciously noticed all the times I was wronged because I was a girl, so it made me not want to socially be one. Physically, I was fine until I was taught not to be. My gender dysphoria arose from Tumblr, where I learned all about transgenderism, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. I am not trying to demonize Tumblr for leading me and probably others to false transgenderism, but it is a very probable cause. Let's ignore the reason that it is getting more out there because of the year, specifically 2017. The internet brings people together so it seems like this phenomenon is more widespread than it actually is. However, if we look at who uses Tumblr frequently, we would see it is mostly English-speaking people ranging from early teens to mid-twenties.  These are millennials, and I am definitely not trashing them because I am one myself, but these people are still fresh in the world. Why is it that so many of them versus so many of today's adults are so uneasy with their birth gender? You could argue that they are more open-minded, which can be true, but the most probable thing is that they are impressionable. They might say, "I'm not being influenced. This is who I really am," but how can any of us really know? We are required to take their word for it, or else you are proclaimed a bigot. I do not agree with many Generation X adults in my life regarding politics, but they have somewhat of a point regarding today's transgenderism.

I met a few girls online all around the same time period who now identify as a gender other than female. Anne became Finn, Gina became Sage, and Nikita became Frankie. I believe a reason why I and some other females become trans is because they subconsciously get fed up with the hate towards women. I think it exists in the first place for people that have a phase is because the thoughts are inactive but they are still present. Of course there are actual transgender people that exist, but I am speaking about the ones who transition back to their original gender or are still unhappy as the gender they believe they are. I grew apart from my old friends by the time they changed genders so I do not know their feelings on it currently, but I have reason to believe 2/3 of them are still unhappy even as their chosen gender. One of the reasons is that with many young FtM's I notice that they frequently change first names, perhaps in order to easily become someone else. It happens on Tumblr all the time as well, which is where I first noticed these changes with the people I followed. Even when I was trans I thought it was a bit much to change names so often, how could anyone keep up? It also showed underlying insecurity and indecision, which invalidates their transness even further in my opinion, and makes me feel like they are treating it like a game.

One day�" and I mean literally a day�" I decided Ariel as a name wasn’t "unisex enough" for me because people automatically went to the Disney movie with a main character of the same name. Even before my entire trans debacle, for a long while I hated my name anyway because when introducing myself, people would always say, "Oh, like The Little Mermaid!" and of course, with every introduction, it got old quick. I briefly wanted to change to Robin or Thomas because I thought they might fit. But I never ended up going through with it because I realized my name change would be unnecessary, as many years have passed and the movie was not a hot topic anymore. I only had the name change idea in the first place because it was another herd thought from Tumblr, who collectively seemed to like the name Milo a lot. Perhaps the few names they choose to switch to were just female-oriented enough to seem believable that it was their real name.

At my last point as a trans person, I discovered gender-critical studies and opinions. The Gender Critical community pushes the notion of figuring out why one believes they are trans instead of having trans be the answer. I would compare it to the feud between Atheists and religious people; the search for a true, valid reason is so important in all cases. The gender-critical subsection on Reddit lead me to an article written by a man who goes by Gender Critical Dad titled Trying To Understand Why So Many Young Women Have Got Involved with Trans. It is an English father's opinion of his child among others practicing transgender ideologies, but it spoke to me on an incredible level because I understood everything he was saying and suddenly everything made sense. It was presented in a warm, trying-to-understand manner instead of the harsh rejection and unwillingness to listen that most trans people are used to.

A few disadvantages of being cis again is worrying about things I used to worry about regarding my body, or entirely new things like envy when your boyfriend mentions he likes a certain physical trait that you don’t have, a fear of being too ugly or masculine, and fear of being thought of as fraudulent when I did identify as trans. People I've come out again to like my previous boss and coworkers watched me become my “correct” gender soon after I told them I prefer to be referred to as another. Six months after my de-transition and about nine months of my being at that job, my boss showed me a picture of myself not long after I joined�" when I was still quietly adamant about my transgenderism. She said, "Look at how much you've grown as a person," and I felt like I could only take that as an insult. I think I had not changed much as a person in that short time, except for my gender. If I asked her specifically how I changed in such a short period of time, I believe there is not much validity in what she could say. Since my gender is not so ambiguous anymore, my co-workers became friendlier with me. When I was a different gender there was visual and audible discomfort, mainly being hesitant with pronouns and strange looks or stares.

After never really being too feminine and actively being something else for five years, I feel like I'm new at being a girl. I'm trying out skirts, dresses, and makeup for the first time and I like it. I'm finding fashion that I like, or am becoming more open to styles I may not have liked before! I feel like that shows me trying to be open to being a girl again, and I enjoy it. So it turns out I was not transgender after all, but that did not erase all I have done in an attempt to prove otherwise. I feel bad that it was a phase. I am guilty in furthering people's beliefs that trans isn't real. Even though I didn't do it for a trend, people I met during this time will think it is for everyone going through it. I thought I was finding myself because I didn't know there could be different women in a world that only shows stereotypes as the norm. Any young, impressionable mind would think the same. I could never be sure to what is exactly true in the world regarding transgenderism, but there must be cases where it exists and is not a mistake.

The first time I let people (especially my mother) see me in a dress after de-transitioning was mortifying. I wore a short-sleeved Wednesday Addams dress with black flats when we were going food shopping, so there would be a lot of strangers out. It was a stepping stone for me that I tried to tread carefully. She didn’t have an in-your-face "told you" attitude like I thought she would, and even ignored the change, which I'm sure she noticed. Maybe she thought of it as me finally getting into what I was already supposed to be into.

After mentally de-transitioning, I believed I was afraid of gender. My  thoughts included that for five years I found myself, and it all ended up being a waste of my time and energy. I couldn't pick a gender where I wanted to stay, I was so scared to pick a label. I was comfortable when no one questioned my gender and just knew, but then it changed and nobody knew. It felt horrible, but now it changed again and I'm still getting used to it. I had thoughts of, "Why are labels so important to me? Why does gender hold so much power over me?" Courtesy of Kat, I remembered that labels give a sense of stability and belonging. It means there is enough people experiencing the same thing for there to be a name for it, and that can even be applied to smaller communities.

 

I wanted to put gender behind me so badly, because it was still all I thought about even when I've tried to stop. Some stress was let off because I didn't constantly think, "They're not going to use my pronouns, they're going to think I'm not normal." But some stress was put on too because now every time I would see someone, I was reminded of what I did try to get someone to see me as a guy. It embarrassed me, and either they didn't know anything about it and I did, or they did know about it and thought I was faking the whole time. I didn't want to experience gender at all because I was just so scared of choosing a place to belong. I feared I would be wrong again, even if I chose to be a girl again. I was actually traumatized by gender for a bit; I would freeze and become completely neutral before anyone could tell me what I thought was wrong. I didn't want to go to the end of the world to try and prove something insignificant to people who I wanted to care, again. I was slowly presenting more feminine, but I still wanted to have neutral pronouns used on me. They are the safest type of pronoun because it goes either way and you can't be wrong. I'm still learning to integrate my new vigor to my original gender. I'm trying to forget the stereotypes and am hoping to be fully confident about my feminine personality. I still have to remind myself sometimes that girls as well as boys can be and be interested in anything, but less so as my mental health is getting better regarding my transgenderism.

 

I'll end by saying this: Everyone is different. My experience may not be the same as another’s. I'm not saying to automatically rule out anyone’s lifestyle because of how things played out for me. The transitioning community is small and the de-transitioning community is even smaller. There may not be many sources to turn to, but the most important thing is to dig deep down and find out why a person is feeling the way they are. This is coming from a person who thought they were on the right track for five years and would have continued if I did not question myself; often and hard. Through this entire memoir, you're able to tell that my transgenderism still affects me through my memories and how it impacted my relationships in the current day. I just ask that before anyone do anything drastic, if you're questioning or claim you are transgender, dig deep down and ask your deepest core, "Why do I feel this way? Is there some reason I can't see on the surface that makes me want to change my gender?"

Some forum threads that helped me are:

http://gendercriticaldad.blogspot.co.uk/2016/09/trying-to-understand-why-so-many-young.html

https://www.reddit.com/r/GenderCritical/comments/663wxu/is_conversion_therapy_viable_to_stop_being/dgfp67r/

https://www.reddit.com/r/GenderCritical/comments/6ndbm6/gender_dysphoria_and_feeling_like_a_woman/dk8nw2t/

https://www.reddit.com/r/GenderCritical/comments/6usg5y/what_is_the_relationship_between_radical/dlvcl5c/

Reviews

[Carol Cashes]

Finished my pre-hurricane prep chores and glad I saved this for last. To say that this has been an enlightening, even emotional experience in following your journey would be an understatement. My heart hurt for you, I was angry for you against those who willfully remain ignorant, and I was scared shitless about what sounds kinda like a cultish or dangerous rhetoric that Tumblr advocates. I HATE cliches, but I'm gonna throw a gospel truth atcha: Be true to yourself. Whatever that is. When you feel vulnerable or uncomfortable in your female self, either by the actions of others and especially men, draw on your experience as one of them. I know you stated that you never went to full on "man" but preferred the "boy" image and its implications, but use the strength, confidence and power you felt as a male, in a male dominated world. You have the unique history of experiencing both the best and worst of both genders - now decide the best of each and integrate them into one perfect Ariel. I would have advised when you were uncomfortable with "Ariel", just use "El", only legal/employment paperwork needs your legal name, and "El" is non-gender. Don't let anyone force your to explain, just look 'em right in the eye (like a man) and say "It's just El." Change the subject. I think that your story is one that is important in these confusing times and with so many organizations and such with agendas that are not immediately apparent to vulnerable and confused youth seeking answers, your stark and even painful honesty will ring true to more who are struggling than you think. I admire and respect your courage in writing about painfully embarrassing aspects of this part of your life, but you stayed the course, didn't flinch or shy from any part of it and sweetie, that makes you a King...and when ya feel like it a Queen, but always...by God, always a goddamn BOSS. Own that s**t!

Practical review: I would have to go back and really read each chapter to advise or suggest grammatical/spelling/punctuation issues as I was completely caught in the story and knew I would finish it in pretty much one sitting.
I hope that none of my remarks offended you, I meant none, but I can be pretty outspoken and I don't mince words if I think the truth will serve one better. I hope to become friends with you. I have always been one of those people who seem to "collect" interesting people. In fact, most of my friends are puzzled by my other friends. They range from Christians to downright heathens with no class. I just love getting to know interesting people who have stories that no one else has. You are one of those. I feel a connection, even, as I could not be further from any trans/bi/tri/whatever label you have encountered: I'm a heterosexual female who's always been sure of it and my sexuality has never, ever been in question. You story made me wonder how I would have reacted, responded, embraced or pushed away the many and varied versions you essesntially "tried on" like buying new clothes, but with deep emotional consequences, unlike a dress that looks good in the fitting room and like s**t when you're ready to wear it out. My brain is still processing the abundance of information and insight that your memoir provided and I will be several days pondering and thinking about everything I've read tonight.
And let me close with this, as I am just two days out of a three week depressive episode, the almost every damn thing I read on this site was f*****g sad, suicide, can't life without you my life is meaningless without your smile smarmy a*s sad. This has been a refreshing change of genre and mood and Thank You.

[Macciola]

Yes, be true to yourself is a great piece of advice! I only wish I knew what it meant when I was younger, I always just thought it was something people would say to sound deep and not have any real meaning, but I do know this now and will continue to follow it!
I have not felt too uncomfortable in my body for my gender recently, and I've definitely been trying to incorporate how I felt "as a boy" to how I feel now.
Yeah, that's a good idea! I used to think of El as a more feminine name (Ellie, Elizabeth) but it can work as a masculine nickname too (Eli, Elijah, Elliot). I didn't realize it could work for Ariel too! Hell, I might go by that now sometime, I like it :p
I tried to go over everything because I want to help those who are going through the same thing I went through, or prevent it from happening in the first place, or give a place of belonging to others who have experienced it in the past as well. When I was writing the notes, I was CONSTANTLY thinking, "Oh, this can be a note, but wait, this can be a note too!" and I just kept going until I couldn't think of any more. And trust me, there were times that I didn't want to continue because of how embarrassing some of this stuff was for me, but I knew I wanted to finish this, for others but mainly for myself. I'm happy I properly finished at least one of my self-given projects, heheh. Thank you for thinking of me that way! :) You seem like a Queen as well, a badass and bold woman that people should get to know. Wish there were more people like you!

None of your remarks offended me at all! In fact, I'm flattered you liked it so much and I appreciate that you read it all and THEN went on to comment so much on every single chapter. It really means a lot :) I like how progressive you are as well, you don't care about who the friends you make are as long as they're good and interesting people.
Man, I'm so glad you think it's so thought-provoking haha. If you have any more comments, feel free to leave them!
I'm not surprised a writer's site is dark and brooding to the point of exhaustion lol, and in a way I felt my piece was as well. But I guess it did turn out happy in the end! Thank you so much for your comments, I really appreciate it Carol :)

[Carol Cashes]

No problem, El, you rock!