Flames

I wrote this 10-20-2010

I miss those days...

I was the girl with no problems;

The girl that felt no pain.

Then my life fell apart,

And I can never go back.

 

I have extreme decisions

That only I can make.

I've never been so confused.

I try to pray and trust God...

But He seems so far away.

 

I don't have time.

I'm too busy.

School is my life right now,

And I don't like that.
But I don't want the easy way out.

 

I have to work,

To try my best.

But you can never

Go back to this age.

It's not worth wasted time.

 

So I scream,

No one hears.

I try to bear through this

Terrible period that won't end.

Time is moving too fast and I can't turn back.

 

What should I do?
I'm seriously torn.

One foot forward,

The other one

I leave behind.

 

I can't decide

Which path?

What are my options?

I can only guess

What God wants for me.

 

It's not what I want,

I've learned that.

I just can't control

My pounding head.

I can't stop thinking.

 

What if I make the

Wrong choice?
What if I already have

And I keep digging deeper..

And deeper.

 

It's pitch black.

I'm in a field of

Only grass seen everywhere.

I lie, motionless

Under a silent sky.

 

A breeze wafts my hair,

But I still am stiff,

Unable to move a muscle.

I'm lost.

Hopless. Helpless.

 

I'm crying out,

Screaming,

Begging.

Only the wind answers

With whistling and howling.

 

I'm ready to give up.

Nothing.

Everywhere.

No comfort,

No God.

 

He's just not there.

I know He will come,

Deep down,

I can feel His breath

On my cheeks.

 

His arms around my waist

And lips to my ear.

He whispers love.

Words that I cannot

Possibly comprehend.

 

I want Him.

My chest is hollow,

It's crying beats
Against my ribs,

Trying to get out.

 

Nothing.

I feel nothing.

I need strength,

Hope,

Love...and courage.

 

I'm breathless.

Who will save me?

Pull me out of despair

And confusion.

You, Oh God?!

 

Do I have to take

The first step to

Rescue?
Or can You breathe into me;

Just You?

 

Peace! Give me peace.

I love you.

I'm gonna try.

I'm on a journey,

Survival is at stake.

 

My thoughts are flames.

They itch off my pen to paper.

My wrist is clean.

No trace of blood

Or tender scars.

 

I haven't lost the battle yet!