Watching you die.

Erin Shaw just wants to get through high school as fast as she can and forget about that past that won't leave her alone. But then she meets a boy in her history class, and somehow he's tied to her past.

 

*It Switches from past to present tense, so sorry if that bugs you *

I have come to the conclusion that if people really knew what happens when you fall in love, they wouldn’t want to. Love makes you give up everything. I sit in my biology class, clutching my pencil in my cold hands. I cannot focus on anyone else in the room, except the boy who sits in front of me. The teacher continues to speak but the room is silent in my ears. I am finally in love, but I will not tell. I can’t bring myself to even let him know I care. Because he doesn’t know me. But I refuse to let him even know my name because I will give up everything. I won’t let what is mine become his.
The bell rings and I jump. I watch as he stands and walks toward the door. Everything he does seems like it’s planned, a perfect path where, unlike me, he never makes a mistake. I stand and suddenly, against what I know, my lips fall open and the words that are now weightless on my tongue become audible in the tiny room. “I love you.” I snap my lips shut, terrified that he heard me. But the sight of his back as he continues toward the door assures me he didn’t. I am relieved. But I find myself wondering, what would happen if he loved me back? I already know. I would end up in his arms, and then, in the midst of love I would whisper my deepest and darkest. I would tell him my secret. I would tell him I killed someone.
I look up and in an instant I saw him. His soft eyes pierced my own, staring like he’d never seen me before. He heard me.

I open my mouth to somehow explain what just happened, but I couldn’t make a sound. Instead, I found my eyes glued to his lips as they curved into a smile.
He moved casually to the side of the hall as people began to move around us. “Do I know you?” He asked.

My heart slowed and then sped up “Not yet.”
He shook his head and took his already perfect hair and aligned it to frame his face. His blond hair swinging across his forehead and his pale eyes glued to mine. “I’m chase.”
“Erin.” I let my lips tilt into my own smile, one that said I didn’t have any words because you’ve caught me off guard.
A few guys walked by and he waved to them “Well, I’ll see you around.”

Then he was gone.

I turned and went the opposite way, cursing myself for allowing my emotions to get in the way of the plan. I was living just trying to be by, but if I broke the rule that would be impossible. All I had to do was keep my secret, but a relationship would never allow that. A guy like that could get anything out of you. I had to stay away from him, even if that meant failing my history class.
I slip into my next class and take a seat. The teacher drones on in the background as I think about my life. Then the tears come. Unexpected, they roll down my face. I remember him so well. I see his face and the love I had for him and then his death. The fact I had ended his life made me sick. I had killed him.
“Miss Shaw?”
I look up to see my bald-headed teacher tilting his head till the fluorescent lights made his head glisten. “Is everything alright?”

I stand and let my black hair fall back and reveal my tear stricken face. I walk toward the door and leave, no one made any protests and I figured that was good. I didn’t want to let myself believe anyone cared. I fell in a lump on the stairs and let my head rest on the cement wall that ran along the stairway. I envisioned opening my eyes and seeing someplace better. Letting my hope get the best of me I opened my eyes and saw someone better. There he was, standing over me with the sweetest eyes. “You know, I’m pretty sure I know how to fix even the worst days.” Chase said.

I let out a broken laugh.
“See, I know this place where you can forget anything. You can get lost and go back in time to better days.”
“And where is that?” I asked, suddenly intrigued.
“I’ll show you.” He held out a hand. “But you have to keep it a secret.”
“My lips are sealed.” I took his hand and he pulled me up.
We walked across the school grass and made our way to the side of the building.
“Here we are.” Chase looked at me and I saw his cute nose wrinkle up and a smile stretch across his face.
I turned and saw the playground in all it’s glory. The bright yellow slide and the swing set, and the greatest part was that it was empty.
“My home away from home,” I said and felt his hand tighten around mine, not even noticing he was holding it. He sat on one of the swings and looked up at me. His eyes imploring for anything in my face that said I was okay. The softness that came into his eyes told me he couldn’t find it, neither could I.
I had dreamed of talking to this boy for so long. Now, he was here and I wanted him gone. I hated the way he looked at me as if he understood me. As if he knew every part of me already. “You should go.” I said. Hoping he would leave before he found out who I really was, what I had done.
He looked up from the swing, his calm eyes meeting mine. “If you want me to.”
I nodded. He stood and I felt his lips gently touch the top of my head and then he was gone. His gentle touch hurt in the emptiness of my heart. Like he had opened up the wound that was just beginning to heal.
Being a Junior in High School I didn’t exactly fit on the playground slide anymore. But I wanted to. So I crawled into it and pushed off and let my feet hit the ground before I had moved a foot. I lie there and waited for the feelings to come back. I wanted to remember. I wanted to feel that warm hand inside of mine or the embrace from a loved one, but I couldn’t. I had been in this slide before. I had spent the summers of my childhood climbing on this playground. But those years were gone and they had left me with emptiness.
Small towns create you. What I mean is that when you grow up knowing only a select few of people they tend to become your world. And that tiny world forms you to be who you are. You don’t always have the privilege of choosing your friends; they just happen to be the people you grew up with. But in a small town your world can easily fall apart. When you lose something or someone that means a lot to you, it’s as if a natural disaster just tore away half of yourself.
The tears fall freely now, running down the sides of my face and wetting the slide. I curl on my side in the small, yellow tunnel and wrap my arms around myself. I am hoping for just the slightest bit of comfort with a childhood memory. I am waiting for something to come to my mind that can help me to forget or to laugh again. But nothing comes and I’m stuck with the pain of reality. The reality that I have lost what meant the most in my world.

I am convinced I don’t have a choice. I am absolutely sure that it is impossible to get up and impossible to move on. But somewhere inside I know that’s not the truth. But it doesn’t matter because I can feel myself letting go of the will to let people in. I no longer want to see myself or anyone else. I feel everything close up inside and lock away all the pain. The memories I fail to draw to mind, the times I used to laugh and be happy, suddenly fade completely. I cannot even remember their presence but instead a wall comes down and I am immobilized. I shut my eyes and the tears stop. I lie there in that slide till the sun goes down and the clouds roll in. I stayed there as the rain poured down and didn’t leave till the first rays of the morning sun sent away the gray skies. I had changed.

 

Author's Note

I'm sure grammar is terrible and this is a first draft.
But feel free to tell me anything!

Reviews

[Aren Daker]

This is a beautiful story and it is nice to read. I was in the beginnig searchhing for something more exiting in the story and it came when you wrote "I would tell him I killed someone". I was waiting for the story to follow up that sentence, and partly it did, but still I would have liked to read more about it.
I guess that the end of the story you wrote with a furious speed feeling very creative and it came out just perfect.

[Sweet Candy!]

simply amazing

[Sam Summers]

this is a really strange piece. even though, to me at least, the storyline seems cliched and juvenile, it is spectacularly well written. the descriptions are excellent and i could really sympathise with the protagonist. i think you need to wait for your skills as a storyteller to catch up with your skills as a writer. keep trying of course, but i think you should start writing poetry, if you haven't already, as it would probably better suit your style.

as for this story itself, might i suggest a line break when the tense changes, or maybe you could change to itallics