I just......

I must deal with a permanent disorder that is consistently surfacing whenever it damn well pleases. This disorder mixed with a horrible past makes me damn near impossible to be around on a serious level. I make people laugh, I make people feel good, I make people believe I don’t fight suicide tendencies or self-hatred daily. Women think I am a catch till they are with me and see the slew of insecurities I have due to a horrible upbringing and exes who have cheated on me. How will I overcome these issues? That’s my biggest fear, that I will continue to be the person who yearns for love but cannot accept it without fear of pain.

I have gone through life bullied, beaten, spat on, hindered, I have been through this life in more ways than one. Each stage making me feel like I am just an utter complete f**k up. My parents beat the s**t out of me because they were unhappy with each other. I would go to school and get beaten by kids who thought it was funny. I would get beaten anywhere I went, I would feel like a f*****g loser. My father would lose his job after my mom left us destitute, and I would get beaten for being poor. I would have coins thrown at me, I would have people remind me my clothes were dirty and I smelled bad.

My self esteem was at an all time low. Combine this with my first relationship being someone who admitted to using me as a rebound at the age of 14, with my cousins constantly cackling on cheating on their husbands, with my mom cheating on my dad, I am just one f*****g insecure mess. Then I became an incredibly controlling boyfriend. Then I tried to be complacent and dealt with someone who cheated on me with over 10 guys. 16 years old at this point. Then I tried to be neutral, and the next one left me after getting what she wanted. Then I was controlling. Etc. etc. etc.

I have yet to have a relationship where I wasn’t either overbearing or being taken advantage of. Now I have a relationship that I’ve waited 14 years for, I’ve known her since I was a teenager. Everyday its an uphill battle to believe she isn’t cheating on me. Every day I make her answer 21 questions that she doesn’t deserve. Every day she must numb herself to feeling like she isn’t enough, when she’s worth the world and then some. She has loved me unconditionally, but I don’t deserve it. I have made her feel insignificant, unable to help when she’s saved me several time, a f**k up when she’s constantly fixing our problems, she doesn’t deserve this. Nobody deserves this, so someone who’s a f*****g angel like that doesn’t deserve this.

And if she leaves, then what? This isn’t going anywhere. I was beaten to a bloody pulp almost daily as a child by both parents and school children. I was cheated on and had horrible examples for female role models growing up. I am just one seriously fucked up tormented soul trying to be a better person, and I end up being a controlling overwhelming f**k up. In all relationships that I know can be healthy.

I used to be part of the streets growing up because I as tired of being poor and beaten. I became the hitter, the pusher, the enforcer, I finally felt respected. All this did was give me a record, make me enemies, and boost my paranoia through the roof. I have had 3 attempts on my life, 4 suicide attempts, and 4 physiatrist unit visits. I have had to do s**t people cannot imagine surviving, and I did it to belong finally and all I manage to do was to make people tell me I proved them right.

I just want to stop making anyone I love, and date feel like they’re being interrogated for a murder. That they aren’t part of an involuntary 21 questions game that they don’t deserve. I just want to trust and know I can get past my problems. I just want to stop feeling like every breath, move, thought is nothing more than an immense f**k up. I just want to be normal.

 

 

 And because that’s not an option. I just don’t want to be here anymore.