Vermilion Part 1

My version of Slipknot's song "Vermilion Part 1". About a guy and a girl he could never have...

Vermilion Part 1

She walks past me and she smiles,

And it hurts me so much

So close to me, yet so unreachable, 

She continues to sing

She waves at me, but she's not alone,

And oh, how it hurts my soul

Enter the night that she came home

Forever

SHE'S THE ONLY ONE THAT MAKES ME SAD!

She is everything to me

Yet she's not with me

My Dahlia bathed in possession, 

She is home to me

I get nervous, perverse, but when I see her it's worse,

And I need her so much

It's now or never, she's coming home

Forever

SHE'S THE ONLY ONE THAT MAKES ME SAD!

Hard to say why I can't control this

Fixed and crazy, and it's her that I miss

Carve her name in my heart, and leave me here

Leave her face in my mind, and all my fears

I won't let this build up inside me (x4)

I'm just a slave, and she's just my master

When I look at her, my heart just beats faster

If only he wasn't there, I would be fine

But it's over and gone, and I'm living a lie

I won't let this build up inside me (x8)

SHE ISN'T REAL!

I CAN'T MAKE HER REAL!

SHE ISN'T REAL!

I CAN'T MAKE HER REAL!

Reviews

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

"I get nervous, perverse, but when I see her it's worse"

This line really stood out. Its my favorite.

"SHE'S THE ONLY ONE THAT MAKES ME SAD" ........
Normally I wouldn't be too fond if this line in poetry. It may seem a little bit dry.

HOWEVER...as a musician I get it. I get this sense of sinister Drop-C palm muting riffs on top of a really tight metal bass line with almost a funk groove to it. I can feel the tension building as the verse moves along and then...all of a sudden the guitars come on and those words cause the crowd to erupt into a chaotic mosh pit.

This "poem" as a poem its definitely hard to grasp... But the vision of a Metal head can see a real gem. I dont know if you will pursue music, but I encourage you to at least try it as a hobby.

*edit*--> I never even read the description until i finished this review...
You expressed yourself very well.

[Drake]

nice

[Fabian G. Franklin]

"I'm just a slave, and she's just my master
When I look at her, my heart just beats faster"

There's just too many "justs" here too close together. I'd at least lose the third one. Just a thought. Repetition can be a strong conveyance of meaning if used in logical progression i.e. as in Walt Whitman's A Noiseless Patient Spider...but here it simply clutters the rhyme and the flow. By removing the last "just" you equal out the meter to ten syllables in each line; another reason for doing so.

[ZmH]

wow this is very good. i was breathless. im sure many have felt this way before, but the way you described it. very good write your words are very powerful.

[Tracie Skarbo]

wow this is great and intense...I can really "hear" this song as it goes along...Great job!!