Numb Feelings

A Story by Ree

- blog type piece of writing

I hate having feelings. I really do. I hate that i can feel sad, angry, depressed, and even happy. I choose to numb myself out. Because when I do, i don't have to feel like this. I dont have to feel as if hiding from everyone is the right decision or telling people lies so you dont have to commit to anything that you know you would just rush out of in a heartbeat anyway.

Because that's the thing. You do not have to feel anything.

It's the easy way out. It is so much easier to lie in your bed with "The Fray" playing their heartbreak songs, and you crying your eyes out because feeling sorry for yourself feels better than having to feel something for someone else. In the end, you will still be stuck with those lyrics of despair and you cradling your own broken heart.

I use sarcasm to mask feelings. It is easier than having to explain why i do or do not like a certain person or why i am angry or happy about whatever. It is easier. And that's my problem right there. My mind uses a heuristic and it typically works like this. Feelings = bad. Sarcasm = disguise = no explanations required. Take my advice. Just because it is easy, does not mean it is logical, practical, or effective. In my case, it is none of the above. You have to pick. Pick your battles and decide if the feelings are worth it. Are you really going get angry over the fact that your roommate or significant other left a plate out? It is a plate.... if it means that much to you, put it away. Forget about those silly little things.

Now that the tangent is halfway over, I can really begin:

Let me reiterate: I hate feelings. I like to feel that blind numbness that allows me to smile without being happy, and keep still without a single thought running through my head. And then it came along. Things changed. I feel like i want to cut my heart out and hang it outside for a few days so it can air the feelings out. I do not like feeling out of control. This is my very poor method of coping. VERY poor. Yet time and time again, I continue to convince myself that it is reliable and effective. It isn't. Things keep breaking a little more and more. Some things are coming together, and others are blatantly falling apart. So for now, i have shut myself off and found a little refuge here. Everything is oddly constructed in this particular piece of writing, but in my head, every word belongs next to each other as much as the next one.

Sleep well my friends, and take my advice. Being numb leads to a world of isolation and discontinuity. Warm up a little. People WILL surprise you and better yet, you will surprise yourself.