Private Dick!; Chapter Ten

The following may be grammatically incorrect, to highlight the

main character's lack of smarts! 

Chapter Ten:

     I was once again able to concentrate on being who I really wanted to be; a dick. The long dry spell of having no clients was over. Now, I actually had too many. I had a woman who wanted me to follow her husband, to see if he was frequenting the local cat house (not Fluffy’s house!), I had a case of sexual harassment at work, and I had the case I was currently working on; a case in which three siblings had hired me to see if their grandma was actually their grandpa. I know, it sounds bazaar, but you have no idea! Edith Wanker, Steve Wanker, and Will Wanker, had come into my office as I was preparing to get to work on Mrs. Dever’s request that I follow her husband, Hal, and see where he went. I really wasn’t looking forward to another cheating case, but she paid handsomely, so I figured I had to. I remembered the strange conversation:

     “Mr. Havelock, I presume?”

     “Yes?” I looked up into the face of a small girl.

     “We’re the Wanker children. This is my brother Steve, and this is my other brother Will. We live with our parents, but our grandmother stops by quite often to visit; only we’re no longer sure that it is our grandmother. Let me give you the background. Our grandpa, or so we thought, passed away from natural causes last month, and ever since then, Grandma hasn’t been acting like herself, unless every grandma has face stubble.”

     I knew several grandmothers in need of a shave, but kept that to myself.

     “We’re starting to suspect our grandfather killed Grandma Beatrice, and has been posing as her. I know what you’re thinking; how could you not know? That they’d look totally different. Ordinarily, yes, but they were brother and sister, so they looked almost alike.”

     In-breeders? Suddenly what I’d thought sounded like a bazaar case, now sounded more bazaar. “It sounds dubious, but I’ll look into it.”

     This was the address the kids had given me. My butt was sore from sitting in an oak tree, trying to get a view into the bedroom window of Grandma Beatrice, or was it really Grandpa Tex? I thought about the children; if Tex and Beatrice were really brother and sister, what would that make the children, besides a little off, brother, sister, and cousins?

Suddenly, the bedroom light came on, and Grandma Beatrice came into view. This case was just about to be solved. 

     I had a hard time believing the story. It was just too hard to believe. As it was night, I had little to fear from being spotted. Luckily, the curtains were open, otherwise this tree-sitting deal wouldn’t have worked so well. My a** was starting to tingle, so I knew it was falling asleep. It was probably a good thing I’d learn the truth, as ludicrous as it sounded, soon, because my butt couldn’t take much more. This was probably a case of their suspicions being groundless. Just then, Grandma Beatrice reached up and pulled her wig off! But that by itself proved nothing; maybe Beatrice wore a wig. Then, suddenly, she moved out of my view. I tried to scoot farther out on the branch, but I couldn’t feel my a** any longer, and my pants must have snagged on something, because I suddenly was plummeting. I landed hard on the ground, it knocked all the wind out of me, and I sat there on the ground, gasping for air that didn’t come right away.

     At last, I managed to suck in a few breaths, and the spots gathering before my eyes disappeared. Then I thought surely Grandma Beatrice must have heard the racket, and I climbed back up into the tree, sat absent-mindedly on the tree limb, and once again had a view of the interior. She wasn’t in view; all I saw was empty bedroom. Great, she had heard, and the police were on the way; except the night air stayed silent. Then, I noticed a shadow move on the floor. She was just out of my view. I knew better than to try to move anywhere, with my a** falling asleep once more, so I just stayed put, straining to see. Just then, a man walked into view, wearing jeans and a dress shirt, and proceeded to wipe off the make up still coating his face. I’ll be damned, the kids had been right, this was Grandpa Tex! Just then, he moved out of sight, and the bedroom light went off. I froze, and tried to not move a muscle. My butt might have been dancing the cha-cha, and I wouldn’t know it. It was once again asleep.

From where I was sitting in the tree, I heard the front door open, and then Grandpa Tex came into view. He was leaving; not if I could help it! No time like the present to confront him. I somehow managed to slither to the ground, and shouted,

“Hold up there, Tex, or should I say Grandma Beatrice?” and I took a step towards him. Immediately, my legs folded up under me, and I fell to the ground. I watched as Grandpa Tex, the murderer, took off running. I was helpless; damn my a**!

     I’d had no choice but to turn over what I’d found to the police, and to tell some disappointed kids that I had let their murdering grandfather get away. I didn’t like to admit defeat, but then I had found out the truth!