A tragic death

I lay in the street,

Aspiring for heat

People when saw

 Said, “He has a drunken maw”.

    I never had touched a gin

     I fed on the remains in the bin

      I didn’t had money to aspire for a tin

         How could I get myself a gin?

      People were saying

      When I was dying

Couldn’t they take me to the doctor?

Was I a mobster…?

         Cruelty has made even prudent mad

        But this time not with a poor lad

        I wish if I could have a mom dad

       Who would look after me when my health went too bad…

  Is this my fault that I am borne to suffer?

Is there no one to protect me from cold or put round a  muffler?

My last wish is to rest in heaven

I want just a grave to die calmly and leaven.

                                                              This is all what I need

                          I lay in the street,

                                    Aspiring for heat…. 

Reviews

[Christopher Robin]

Naysan,

I wont go into the 'lost in translation' issue I covered in your last review, but I think you may need someone with a firm grasp on both English and the Indian language you are used to. Someone who can proof-read and edit your work for a western audience. You are still grasping basic principles like present and past-tense, that is getting in the way of what is otherwise a very symbolic and heartfelt poem. It is terrible to think that such beauty can be held back by such a cruel and difficult language barrier, but I encourage you to keep studying and keep trying. People deserve to hear your words as they are truly meant.

-Robin

[Naysan arif]

Thank you so much ... this review is very constructive . I will work on the basic rules . this review will surely help me out...

[John Anderson]

A real feeling of honesty in this piece. Very much adore the way you lay it out

[Lauriegirl]

amazingly powerful and so brilliantly penned