Lead Me On

Lead Me On

A Story by LunarSong
"

150 word hook. A short story I wrote for a scholarship application.

"
A white cloud puffs out in front of me as I breathe out. I draw another breath. The thin air burns my throat and doesn't fill my lungs. I shouldn’t be out here. It must be midnight by now. I attempt to pull by cloak tighter around me, and stomp my feet. This better be life or death important.
 
 There’s a sound to my left. I turn around, my arms clutched into my chest. “It’s about time you got here. I started to think you were trying to kill me off.”

“Sorry, Claudia. To be honest, I forgot it was winter. There’s no snow on the ground,” Christopher steps towards me. At least he looks disheveled… and scared. I didn’t really want this to be life or death. 

“There’s no leaves on the trees either. What do you need?”

“Other than seeing you?” his breath doesn’t form a cloud. 

I realize what he said, and blush, but it goes unnoticed on my frozen cheeks.

“I need to kidnap you.”

“Wait, what?” I look back up, staring straight into his blue eyes.

“Only for a little while. I just need to…” now there’s red. “It has come to my peers’ attention that I’ve been in contact with a human… you. Which is untraditional… well, forbidden.”

“So is me sneaking out to meet a boy.”

“But Claudia, I mean forbidden as in I will be killed for this. And these peers I spoke of, they have threatened to tell if I don’t show you to them. It’s stupid and foolhardy, but at least if I do it, they won’t be able to tell at risk of losing their own lives.” His eyes have an unnaturally glow, but the emotions behind them are so human. 

“Oh, Christopher…”

“We can’t hurt humans directly,” he chokes on the last word. “Never mind, I shouldn’t have come to ask you.”

I think of bedtime stories of people being led away to die by unearthly creatures. But those were stories written by ignorant parents trying to scare their children. I snatch Christopher’s hand. “Nonsense. Lead me on.”

© 2016 LunarSong


Author's Note

LunarSong
I wrote this for a scholarship application. I was given 350 words. I might add to it later, but right now I think that might ruin the suspense of it. Please tell me how you imagine it ending. I have two possibilities for it, and would like to know what people think. Any feedback and editing would be appreciated, especially if I do end up continuing the story. Also, should I switch it to 3rd person past tense?

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Reviews

Really good sis. Real good.

Posted 3 Months Ago


Ooooh... just when you were getting to the "good stuff." LOL. Hey, hope you got the scholarship. :)

Posted 3 Months Ago


LunarSong

3 Months Ago

I didn't, but thank you for reading! I hope that you enjoyed it, and that's all that matters.
Amazing! I hope I could read the next one as it hooked me. As for the pace of the story - it's really something, which gives me the interest to read further.

Also, should this sentence: ' I attempt to pull by cloak tighter around me' be I attempt to pull MY cloak tighter around me?'

Putting that aside, I'm glad to have read this story. :)

Posted 2 Years Ago


LunarSong

2 Years Ago

Thank you. :)
I like it. I think the tense it is in adds suspense, with danger on the horizon, whereas a past tense would make it seem tragic or forlorn. And I've never been a fan of books that depress me from the get go. That should come later. It sounds like the beginning to a great story.

Posted 2 Years Ago


LunarSong

2 Years Ago

Yeah, my mom told me I should switch it to 3rd person, past tense, but I thought that present tense .. read more
Though Claudia and Christopher don't know it yet, danger awaits them (foreshadowed by "We can't harm humans 'directly'"). As a true friend, Claudia ignores Christopher's warning to answer his plea. The question is what do his peers plan and what does fate have in store? One peer, at least, has selfish plans that will lead to danger, if not tragedy, I suspect.

Posted 2 Years Ago


LunarSong

2 Years Ago

Probably. :)
I have always felt that keeping a reader engaged in the reading, making them put them selves as the -I- the story is talking about, is a very good thing. Especially with a story like this. It could go a few different ways. Perhaps Christopher lets her go, his peers turn him in, he is captured, beaten, but escapes before they deliver the final blow. He goes to her, and a life on the run begins. Or perhaps she does go with him, humoring him in the way most girls do for a guy they like. What if the peers try and harm her? There is a multitude of possibilities and the only limitations are that of your imagination. Run with it, and let the words fly from your fingertips like the embers of a bonfire!

Posted 3 Years Ago


LunarSong

3 Years Ago

Thank you for your review. I haven't had much time to work with this idea, but I will definitely ret.. read more
Kerunai

3 Years Ago

You're welcome! I hope you can find the time to come back to it as you can. It has some great potent.. read more
LunarSong

3 Years Ago

Thank you. When I do more on it, I'll be sure to tell you.
In the first paragraph, say my instead of by as in "I attempt to pull MY cloak tighter around me,"
I like the way it's written, although I'll try to explain why and how I'd change it to just past 1st, if that makes sense. Like, instead of "I hate him" it would be "I had hated him. Keep using words like had, so it seems forlorn and strange, as well as kinda sad.

... Well... Imagine starting the next chapter with something REALLY drastic, like " I'm dead." Or something like that. Then I'd have the narrator share how she came to be dead, going back and speaking it all in past tense. I don't even really know what I'm saying-or what I've said, so I think all just stop talking.

Anyway, good and interesting 350 words.

Posted 3 Years Ago


LunarSong

3 Years Ago

Yeah, it was kinda a fluke. She hadn't even noticed. Then I think it let her do it a few more times,.. read more
Farrsight

3 Years Ago

Lucky her.
LunarSong

3 Years Ago

I know! ..

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Added on April 30, 2016
Last Updated on April 30, 2016
Tags: short stories, love, fiction, supernatural

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LunarSong
LunarSong

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