This is a good attempt...and some very fine words like "vindicate", "pulverize", "obliterate" and "adversities"...the message itself is bold and clear and conveyed well....nice work...
I have a few words of (to be taken as constructive) criticism though...
First, what seemed incongruous with all the linguistic finery was a complete absence of articles (the words "a","an and "the")...In order for the grammar to be in place, you must put the appropriate articles in all the right places.
Secondly, the poem is too direct...One of the major points of difference between poetry and prose is the subtlety of poetry...try using more metaphors instead of similes and try to construct imagery instead of putting things forward in a commonplace way.
I think you have the talent and it is just a question of grooming it so I would encourage you to keep writing! :)
I do agree with Augustus here, that you might have incorporated some more poetic devices to make this good poem better.
But what this poem really is about, is its message, and the unbridled optimism that surges through its veins. "Some optimism" is an understatement, really. This is the kind of poem one hopes to read when feeling down and out.
Forced rhymes and such stuff can always be taken care of when you revisit the poem to edit it. The message comes from the heart, and for that alone, this poem merits a place in my library.
Splendid. Punches a spirit into the spine. One thing -- I felt these felt more like commands, which shunned the poetic touch. Well, if you intended them to be like commands, it's fine as well :)
I love the direct bluntness of this poem. How your telling the reader exactly wht to do. This is a great piece. Your form is good and your word choice is precise.
Augustus is a genius when it comes to poetry, really! So the advice he gives I highly suggest and recommend that you do listen to what he says! "try using more metaphors instead of similes and try to construct imagery instead of putting things forward in a commonplace way." ... he's VERY correct! Not to say that this was a terrible piece, we are only here to help improve your writing and LATELY I've noticed it IS getting much better and better! So there is hope if you believe! I like this poem because it teaches us ALL a valuable lesson. Last nice was the gem. Well done!
************************************************************************************* first **************************
Augustus has some very good things for you nyi, he as well understands that poetry is the edges and prose more to form. Poetry make you feel and contemplate.
Prose more tells it how it is.
************************************************************************************ All Stars ***********************
Ok... lets go. This is great and as well. What would be in edit choices as Prose poetry. I'm a free firmest and hey, do whatever the hell I want. Sometimes I get the feel and work on structure that is more to classical point. Classical poetry generally comes in three to eight Stanzas. Usually as well in equal length and number of phrase lines used. It holds to rather strict standards of poetic read timing called by me ebb * Flow. It is technical and is using grammatical count in Cadence. Woe hey, there is a lot to know about writing and poetry.
Wikki encyclopedia from Google, holds a great amount of reading on this. If you want to understand Poetry... I recommend study and reading some. Understand what consonants and vowels are in relation, to hard and soft syllables. It is in this context, that Rhyme and Rhyme become a wonders flow and your meaning to relate to your reader audience superlative...
I already see growth in your trying nyi. I believe that you are a deep person and this, a requirement of the philosophical poet. As this piece you present here, is that. It is philosophical prose poetry. I love free form prose and have more fun with it than that classical restraints. Yet don't always be a rebel an fight that. Sometimes the composition being dragged from your soul states that its a must.
Know what your writing and chose the right format and the title.
`````````````````````````````````Poem or Prose Poem````````````````````````
I love this work and totally get, what your presenting... Fly Angel Heart!
***************************************************************************************************************************
Romon in Review 13/06/10. 4:09am Quesnel BC CANADA Write On / Right On, Ro.
A charming little poetic lesson in self-belief. It brings to mind some of the famous old sayings: "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and "Each one of us is unique."
I thought the poem was competently moving along towards a conventional message, and an ordinary conclusion - but then the last line surprised me somewhat in the sense that it made the meaning of the poem a little more effective. The message is not a new or unused one, but the way in which it is delivered gives the piece a much more stronger impact and poetic feel. The last line is the icing on the cake, so to speak. And that makes all the difference.
PS. a couple of tiny errors here and there, but I will message you.
This poem is a lesson to learn. Don't let anyone make you think your not beautiful becuase low self-esteem can affect your life a lot. Everyday you would worry about your self-image so much that you miss out on opportunities in life.
![[send message]](https://www.writerscafe.org/images/mail.png){kind=small}
![[befriend]](https://www.writerscafe.org/images/friend.png){kind=small}
Share This
Email
Facebook
Twitter
Read Request
My Library
Flag Writing
