Watching,Waiting Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Raven hair shines in the moonlight, a white dress waving in the wind. Black eyes stare unblinkingly into the distance. A soft tune comes from red lips. She is watching, waiting. 

Perched upon a boulder, the young girl prepares to stalk her prey. Skeletal hands clutch a silver knife to her chest. 

A man walks home from work on this cold winter night. Suddenly aware of the darkness on the lampless street, he quickens his pace. The clock strikes midnight, its tolling bells echo through the darkness. He shivers and draws his coat closer to his body. 

On a hill close by, the man spots a figure on a boulder staring intently at a pale haired boy across the street. He wonders about this but fear makes him keep walking. 

The next days news shows a picture of a pale haired boy’s body, torn to shreds on a lampless street. A silver knife through his head. On an unrelated note, the reporters tell of a man who went missing on his way home from work. His jacket found just outside his home.

{‘{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“

A black eyed girl lies on an old, threadbare couch staring into the flames. Her bloodstained white dress drawn around her anorexic body. She is content after her large meal. This girl is one of them. Her real name has been forgotten over the centuries, Rose is what she now goes by. 

Another creature walks in, her brother. He sits beside her. Neither say a word. After a few silent minutes, Rose leaves. The boy is left alone, staring into the flames.

{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“{“

The creatures welcome two new to their ranks. A man without a coat and a boy with pale hair. Blood still pouring from open wounds. “Soon” a deep voice said “We will have enough to begin.”

Author's Note

Again, this was written a few years ago. I will probably end up editing it and adding on to this piece, but I want to see what other people think of it first.

Reviews

[Arcane Static]

Grammar corrections ho!
First line, to fit the rest of the paragraph, should read, "a white dress waves in the wind." Hair shines, eyes stare, a tune comes, so the dress must wave.
A young girl with skeletal hands? Sounds out of place to me, unless you've got a reason. "Skeletal" is generally used for really old people, referencing how one can see the bones through their loosened skin. Maybe something else, like "drawn" or "tight?" That the girl's body is malnourished may make her hands appear thinner, but "skeletal" sounds too intense of an adjective for it.
There needs to be a comma after "He wonders about this," to keep in grammar and style.
Pale-haired is hyphenated. If it's not, then those are two different adjectives, and would mean, "a pale boy who also has hair."
On the line about the missing man's jacket, that is a sentence fragment. Maybe switch it to "His jacket was found..." or use a comma to tack it to the previous sentence.
About the girl's name, use a semicolon in that sentence. Or a period. Commas don't work in that situation without a conjunction, and in that case it doesn't want a conjunction, it wants one of the aforementioned punctuations.
In the last paragraph, you've got another fragment. It should be, "..with pale hair, blood still pouring..."
The final line, the dialogue, must be offset with commas. Also, a continuation of the same sentence with a narrative inside of it, like this one, need not be capitalised. "Soon," a deep voice said, "blah blah."

I see where you're going with the introduction, but you also mentioned that a boy was "torn to shreds," and then also later standing with the Big Bad. This opens up a lot of plot holes and issues. If he was torn to shreds, the town would have done something with the body, and if it was suddenly gone, people would know. Furthermore, if they are still bleeding and the like, then is there some sort of healing factor that works on these newly recruited? How quickly and how much? Because if it is enough to repair a body torn to shreds and knifed in the brain in one evening, it should be enough to close up some poxy wounds in an hour or so. Consider that in your revision.

[Natalie Sherwood]

Incredible. There's only a page of it, and I'm hooked.