this isn't pretty

A Chapter by rachelgeorgina

A reflection on the nature of eating disorders - the addictive nature... in fact, the desirable nature of the posssesion of an eating disorder to many sufferers. & a perspective of anger to those that seek out more dire consquences on the illness, despite

I often wonder why so many people stake out this path, knowing full well the consequences of X & Y but lacking knowledge of Z, because in layman's terms - Z is the part that gets you. Sure there's the control and the satisfaction, the attention and the achievement - all for the price of a little pain and hard work: but they never killed anyone, right?

Wrong. You know it kills, but you think we're invincible. "Its when they're feeling fine that they drop off." You think you'll stop at five, ten, twenty… infinity, when someone else notices, when you've gotten out all you needed to, when there's blood - when you're forced to stop, when you've been saved. & when they stop forcing, when you thought you'd been saved - all of a sudden you've started again, you slipped before you could catch yourself.

Walk and it turns into a run - desperation panting on your breath. Don't stop, walk, eat, run, puke - in the gutter on the side of the road, public toilets are to far away. Panic - more. I thought I was in control but I can't stop - its a doubled-headed coin, you just can't win. The answer was to simple and you had to overlook it in searching - digging through the complexities of life trying to find the answer when to be quite honest - it was staring you in the face the whole time. It was too simple to be believable – or so you thought.

This doesn't work out for anyone. You aren't special, nor an exemption to the rule. Life treats each of us the same way. It’s not fair, no one ever said it was & so it’s the choices you make that determine how you manage the cruelty of it all. How do you put a kind spin on this, give life some heart? It’s the choices you make.

Choose sickness, but be prepared. It’s when they're feeling fine that they drop off.

I hate the way it always comes back to choices – because they are just so f*****g hard to make. Choose life / choose death. Choose to live / choose to try to die. Choose to save yourself or wait for no one to save you. Its all a choice and that will always be the key, whether you choose to acknowledge it or not – how ironic, even that is a choice.