Instructions

Instructions

 

So I got something I am supposed to put together, a set of metal shelves…

-sighs-.

So the instructions are in some language that not even the Military could decipher.

 

So as far as I know…

Slot “A” should be inserted into peg “C”…

Wait how can you fit a slot into a peg?...Get a hammer, now I got it.

 

So slot “A” is bent, twisted, and soldered into peg “C”. YAAA!!! I’m making head way…(no that’s not a sexual position…Is it?)

Now take some nuts (no laughing that’s what it says) and put them in a bowl of cherries…

Oh the cherries are a lubricant…-smiling- I’m getting good at this.

 

Now attach the screws (stop laughing) and slide them into the holes (I said stop laughing this is very serious work I’m doing) "smiling-.

Lubricate with the cherry nuts…(ok if you’re not going to be adult about this you can leave).

 

Now with you rubber mallet (that’s not a sex toy) hit the screws so they twists over the nuts counter clock-wise (stop laughing) …I guess only in the U.S. its righty tighty lefty loosey.

Now take a break…oh this came from France J

 

Now after the break have a glass of wine…(that makes sense to me)…wine break…

“Why doesn't anyone love me boohoo”

 

OK wine break over.

 

Now reinsert pegs “B, A, D, and B” into…(wait so I have two “B” pegs?) "Sighs-

slot “A” and remove peg “C”…(Don’t ask but somehow it makes sense).

 

Now tilt at a 93.5867 degree…(are you freaking kidding me)?

I’ll just plum the damned thing…(knock on the door, it’s the French Embassy they want their shelves back).

 

-Sighs- I should have just gone through political channels it would have been easier.

Author's Note

For anyone who has had to put anything together using instructions.
Update...I put the shelves together with a few extra nuts and bolts left over.

Reviews

[Kayleigh]

Well thankfully I am not the only one who read this and made it sound MEGA dirty... You did write it after all. I guess I know where your head is!

[BThomvanWart]

This was very humorous. Personally, I get the feeling you've expressed in this prose. It's completely spot on. I like the conversational way of your work, here. It's wonderful. :]

[ron]

Thank you. The conversation just seems normal to me, it how I think when I write sometimes.

[BThomvanWart]

And there's nothing wrong with that. If it makes sense to you, then that's really all that matters.

[MAD ENGLISHMAN]

This was funny but I don't think it's poetry. It's a very good essay piece. We've all struggled with flat packs.
Your grasp of making something mundane into something special AND getting a smile , is excellent.
I especially like authors like you. New, inventive, funny.
A really great piece of writing.

[ron]

Thank you. I wasnt sure what this was but thanks to you I know, thank you.

[MAD ENGLISHMAN]

I'm just waiting to read more.

[ReneeJ]

This was really funny and creative. The things people think of and can turn into something out of the ordinary :)

[ron]

Thank you Renee. Its not my normal stuff, but I had fun with it.

[Glen Yumang Manese]

A wit of a wit of a write here...
instructions are only as good as they seems to be...
putting things together is a rather complex thing...
yet the direction say it easy...

[ron]

Thank you Glen.

[Glen Yumang Manese]

you;re welcome...

[Frieda P]

I'll have whatever you're having ron....LOL

'that's not a sex toy'....who says? ;)

[ron]

Ouch...that could hurt ;)-

[Frieda P]

Oh pain/pleasure and all that jazz ;)

[ron]

You are sadistic Frieda :)
May I have some more please?

[Frieda P]

Only if you can follow 'instructions'....haha

[ron]

Lol...I put the shelves together :)

[Sami Khalil]

Thanks for the laughs and laughter...Bravo...................

[ron]

You are most welcome Sami. I am glad I could bring a smile to your face :)

[Sami Khalil]

Yep. You are welcome...:)..........................

[AprilRN1210]

now, this was funny! Thank you so much for the laugh:)

[ron]

You are most welcome April :)

[NoelHC]

I can relate to this one! I helped my daughter assemble an Ikea kitchen cart. It had about 837 - 2 1/2" long Allan head screws that had to be screwed by hand with a tiny Allan key, into tiny pilot holes. My thumb and fingers were worn raw tightening all of them. When we finished I found a small plastic piece in the box. I looked all over the cart to decipher where it might belong. Finally I consulted the instructions. I discovered the plastic piece was a little handle for the Allan key, to cushion the thumb and forefingers!

[ron]

LOL That's helaerious.

[Vidya Bacchus]

Hahaha Omg you have floored me with this one.I don't follow instructions too good so there is that.Hilarious pen Red :)

[ron]

Thank you Vidya. They can be hard to follow.

[Vidya Bacchus]

You are welcome hunny :)